I am sorry about how long this came out. Probably the longest post ever. And it's all ME, ME, ME. I do not want or expect most people to try to read this, but maybe there are a couple who can?
Depression is a big subject here -- maybe somehow this will help others understand they are not alone, but also, I'm sorry, but I need help. Desperately. Even tho I'm certain there is nothing that anybody can do to help and I really don't want to call anyone. I have tried calling my daughter, but there is no answer. She has also taken a lot of the brunt of my illness, more than she should have, but I have had no one else. I don't intend to 'dump' any of this on her, but to beg her for advice. And this in spite of the fact that she is sick of me and the way I feel.
Depression has been a large part of this disease for me. Before the tick bite I was doing well on a low dose of amiltriptyline (sp? and forward amil) and usually half a xanax at bedtime, occasionally another half. I had never hit any kind of rock bottom or felt anything out of control -- had mostly needed help w/ sleep issues, taking the edge off of pain, and a little boost for the depression.
I went all to hell after the tick bite. Anxiety, pain and depression felt unbearable. And it was very distinctively physical. Dr eventually quadrupled my amil and the xanax. He doesn't know, but I can't handle the dose of amil he prescribed, which I feel is way too high (200mg) and I take half a dose. But I take all the xanax.
This sounds awful too, but I don't even want to tell that Dr how sick I am. He's been blowing off the Lyme, plus right now I can't handle 'experimenting' w/ other drugs.
Also, clearly having chronic mono and low thyroid (and babs) must be a part of this depression.
Experienced a lot of improvement after 2 mo. abx. then gradually went back down hill. Back on abx, appx 1 month. Been suffering some of what LLMD and I believe are herx, and at times it was unbearable, but this week felt like I might be coming over a little hump.
I have discussed this here w/ others recently. The way that the 'S' word seems to invade the mind against our wills. I have thought about it a lot and fully understood that I could not do this, for the sake of my kids (grown), parents, and dogs. There are extremely few people I would trust w/ my dogs and I am fully responsible for them and cannot leave them.
I have been hoping to get well and in the near future (1 yr) move to NC to help my aging parents. But I have to be well and strong-- I can't go there as a liability -- the way that I am.
I have no other source of income besides what I earn, I am 100% self supporting. I can longer wait tables as I did in the past -- I am 57 yrs old (female) and have severe rotoscoliosis w/ degenerative disk disease in my back and neck. I could not survive on a walmart income, nor can I stand for any length of time like working at walmart. I am not a cripple, I walk my dogs and I do chores, but any length of time standing or walking and the pain is unbearable. I have crumbled vertebrae at the bottom of 2 curves and I fear my spine will break or collapse. Any surgery at this point would not be possible. And I just declared Chapter 13, so I have nothing to fall back on.
Work: I am a court clerk and work very closely (in one room) w/ 3 other clerks (A, B, and S) who are complete and total *****es. They are personal friends w/ each other and have been together a long time. I know how bad it sounds for me to say this -- it can't be all them, right? I don't know. I never did anything to anyone there -- I have never in my life had issues like this at work. One has a superiority complex, one is practically neurotic, and one is a bitter B w/ a superiority complex who feels the need to insult and degrade people.
The woman whose place I filled almost 3 yrs ago was fired. She had problems w/ these women and HR knows about this -- I don't know if any official types of complaints were filed, but I think at least one was. She was fired because she shoved one of these women. They hated her. I have listened to how bad they hated her for almost 3 years now. They said she went crazy. Now I know what sent her over the edge! During that period, B was called in and talked to at least twice for the way she spoke to people.
Before I ever complained, my boss, based on what she was seeing, hearing, and feeling in the office, TWICE called meetings about the way they were treating others, and it was regarding the way they were treating ME, amongst others. HR was in this meeting.
During their histronics, HR interrupted them several times as they were placing blame on me and others. He told them that the reputation and opinion of the Court (us), as perceived by most other departments was negative, and it mainly regarded how they treated and talked to other people. That their reputation was that they are rude and snotty. Did not seem to phase them.
So I know it is not just me. I went to HR about a month ago, to make another complaint.
It is hard to tell somone specifically, because it is all so underhanded and conniving. It's in their expressions and their demeanor and snide remarks, which they claim are not meant to be snide. It's the way they turn things onto other people.
I have daily tried to make special effort to start the days off better, by coming in each and every morning w/ a pleasant 'Good Morning.' 9 1/2 times out of 10, I am not even acknowledged. I am completely ignored. Often there's smug little grins.
I cannot even imagine behaving this way at work!
My boss was out all of the week before last and it got really bad. It was '3 against 1' all week. Plus, I noted them being uglier and ruder to defendent's at the window. And this past week was bad.
I will admit and did admit that the past couple weeks I have felt very angry. STill I never said anything to anyone, but kept to myself as much as possible. But yesterday after S answered me rudely when I offered to help her with something, and when I asked a general question, they totally ignored me, I asked the question again and they did not acknowledge me, I asked my boss for an informal meeting.
Long story short, I asked them in the presence of my boss what the issue was. I said it doesn't matter if they like me or not, but that at work I would like to be treated as a person/ co-worker, that I was getting angry about their treatment. I told them I knew I was not reacting well to them (tho I had never said anything, I was visibly angry) and asked how they would expect a person to react to their treatment.
They turned ALL of it, every single bit of it on me. I was verbally attacked and insulted. It was ALL me. They passed judgments on me (which I've been suspecting) and it was ugly.
The first attack was how I STINK. I smoke a total of 2 1/2 cigarettes in the course of the day, outside, and I spray body spray on me before going inside. S threw a huge fit about how bad I stink, that it makes her sick to her stomach, gives her a headache, and makes her psychologically ill. (she has literally sprayed me in the face w/ Lysol) And that the 'crap I spray on myself to try to disguise it is worse than the smoke.' Nevermind that what I spray on myself was a Christmas gift from A.
I realize this all comes across as petty, and a lot of it is. But it is constant. And this meeting was not petty. It was a literal nightmare. It was nothing short of an attack.
Those of us w/ Lyme, are about the last people that can handle something like this. In the midst of all this (which was an 'airing', as my boss called it) it was so bad -- the insults and the blame -- that it took every single ounce of my strength to keep the tears in my eyes INSIDE of my eyes, and to not go off on everyone and walk out.
So, now, here I am, sick, in constant pain, and depressed. What can I do now? My boss is a good Christian woman, who believes we should all treat each other w/ more respect and that I should kindly tell someone when I don't like the way that I'm being treated, and we should all get off to a fresh start next week.
I can't go back. I can't. I know I am supposed to turn the other cheek and pray for my enemies, but I cannot go back and work that closely w/ 3 people who have been stabbing me in the back and threatening my very livlihood. It's too late. It can't be undone.
If it was anywhere else, I would sue for hostile work environment, but too much of it is sneaky and underhanded and psychological. I work for a municipal court. We have high profile, top attorneys and litigators as our part time prosecutors and judges. I could never win and I imagine it would humiliate me to another degree I can't handle.
The ONLY thing on my side is that my HR has been thru this before with them. Still, that is not enough.
So, now the fleeting desires to escape are becoming a need. I literally cannot handle the way I feel mentally and continue to go to work there. I can't handle the way I feel mentally period.
I desperately want to check into a hospital, but I can't.
I can't find any options, I feel at the end of the road. As much as I know I cannot abandon my dogs or hurt my family, I am consumed w/ the letter I would write to try to make them all understand -- that I'm sorry, that it wasn't them, that there was nothing they could have done, and that it was all Lyme and my back and that I couldn't take it anymore.
My only other choice is to never go back to that job and suffer the consequences which I'm sure would be worse and could possibly make me homeless. Or I could give my 2 weeks notice and buy only 2 more weeks. You all know the market.
It took me 3 months and everything I had in me, FULL TIME, to get the job I have. And I was sick then, tho not as sick as I am now. I have loan processing experience and I have perused those jobs -- maybe someday, but not today -- I don't have in me what it takes to get a job like that. I'm too sick.
I'm sure most of you feel this same way -- I know that everyone in my entire family is sick of hearing about this disease. It's not that they don't believe in it, but they believe it's a 'convenience' when something is wrong w/ me. A lot of them are sick of me and sick of hearing about it. I CANNOT unload this on my parents -- the are 80, doing well, but have their own infirmaties and too big of a family. They deserve MY help now, NOT having to help me.
Mostly, I feel like there is NOBODY who understands or accepts the emotional/mental depressed part of this disease. I can tell they think that's an excuse. I don't know where to turn. And the only option out is not a good one.
MOst of you are sicker than I am and I am very sorry. Do you feel as alone as I do? Do you feel as threatened, cornered and trapped as I do?
I realize I'm talking to a bunch of people I don't know here. Still, right now, I don't feel like calling someone I don't know to sort thru this. That could change, I don't know. Maybe as a last chance, I don't know.
Finally, does anybody out there know what happens if you go to a mental hospital and try to check yourself in? I don't want to do this, but it might beat the last option.
Bit 1972: Acute and chronic tonsillitis, UTI, miscarraige, appendicitis, hypoglycemia, chronic neck pain w/ crushed vertibrae, chronic severe back pain, mitral valve prolapse, depression, resolution?