Sorry, here comes Miss Worry Wart again....
EAch day I go thru an unbearable, desperate spell that last for several hours. It used to come on at certain times, like near the end of work and 2-3 hours at home. It is a physical anxiety and unbearable depression -- thoughts of suicide constantly play across my mind, altho I cannot be free to do that and am not ready to die. I just often want to.
My LLMD says this is probably a herx.
Anyway, yesterday was about the worst -- I completely wigged out. I wonder if anyone out there experiences this. First, I had that unexplainable, physical anxiety that stiffins all muscles and bones. Then the depression and uncontrollable crying begins, w/ the desperate, begging prayers.
If I can ever get well, I am planning to move to NC next year to be near my again parents and see what I can do to help. I have planned on this move taking a year to prepare -- save up money, who knows how much I'll needand I don't know how to save because I don't earn enough. I plan to go thru everything I own and get rid of almost everything.
I will be leaving my grown children. And part of this anguish is that my daugther is engaged to be married in May. I know they will start a family asap and so I will be missing out on my first grandchild. Either choice is anguish: whether I stay here w/ my kids and not be w/ my parents (who are awesome people) or whether I miss out on my kids' lives. At least for awhile.
I'm also in charge of a major dog adoption event here the end of Oct and have much MUCH work to do. Then, the very thought of putting on Thanksgiving and then Christmas is causing me to flip out. Mostly because my place is such a disaster because I have not been well. I do all I can, which is work, take half assed care of my dogs, and do a cleaning job for cash on the weekends which pretty well cripples me.
And then, so NOW I have to prepare for a wedding in May -- just one more thing.
Right now, I just can't do it. I resent the fact that I have to push myself to work while in constant pain --- and nobody knows the least of the toll it's taking on me.
Anyway, on to the point. Last nite was BAD. She met the guy 2 monts ago, they are head over heels, she is moving in w/ him (45 min away) and then move a little farther away when he builds their house (he's a carpenter) I am thrilled and happy for her because she is 28 and finally found Mr. Right.
But all this stuff kind of got thrown on me out of the blue. The wedding, etc. I don't feel I can do it!
I have a desperate problem at work and I feel that I cannot go on w/ it.
Last nite, I began experiencing the oncoming depression and anxiety. It is and was bad. Almost every evening I fall completely apart and the misery in my brain becomes unbearable and I don't feel like I can go on. I understand I cannot leave everybody or my dogs, but I can't bear it anymore. I went bezerk -- I did not tear anything up, altho I wanted to. I just screamed and whacked everything w/ towels, cursing and feeeling totally out of control. I was completely psychotic. And I have no one to talk to w/o hurting them.
My anxiety and anti-depession meds help to mellow me out, but that didn't work until I drank 2 Mike's, which I know is not good for lyme (hard punch)
Today I could not force myself out of bed on time and have taken 5 xanax to go back to bed. That's all I want to do.
So, I guess my question or all of you is this: I already know many of you suffer severe anxiety and depression. Do you ever feel psychotic?
I never knew what true psychois was and looked it up. I'm not full fledged, but am headed in that direction. I read that the causes are many, amongst them are xanax and Lyme disease.
Does anyone out there feel this bad? (psychotic) And do you believe I will find relief if my Lyme improves? (I am already on a stout dose of antidepressants and xanax)
Or do you think I could truly be becoming this way, in spite of the Lyme. I am a 57 yr old female. Right now I have in my possession a photo of my Great grandmother on my mother's side, who I never knew. The only thing the family knows is that she died because of menopause. My mother says that nobody know what happend and nobody ever talked about it. At first, I swear she said that she must have killed herself. The next time, she said 'Oh no, she died of 'nerves'" She did not know what that meant, and just said, well, you know people can die of 'nerves'.
So I'm scared of the possibility of something serious being passed down, along w/ the fact that my grandmother on my dad's side had some serious issues, as well as an uncle on that same side.
Sorry for the length of this, but does anyone else out there relate to this? I don't know what I will do if I go totally bezerk.
Post Edited (+Lyme) : 9/10/2010 1:52:12 PM (GMT-6)