You are Heaven sent today! I did not want to mention 'guilt', even tho I am crumbling under it right now. So, that you acknoweldged this has helped somewhat.
I feel that my stuff is not 'stupid little', even tho I'm not talking about
crimes and such either. It goes so much deeper.
I had a bad marraige (a bad husband), but fought and fought to make it work. I nurtured my babies very well, but there were also many miserable times that had to have affected them. Violent (not physical) arguments, etc.
So, even tho I stayed home w/ each of my babies, sang to them every nite, read to them every nite, held and cuddled and kissed them every day and nite, I know that the misery in me and the marraige had to have hurt them.
I suffer a lot of guilt over not providing my children w/ a good husband and father. I brought them into this marraige out of desire for a family and what I felt was an undying love for my husband, in spite of everything. It was a constant battle.
There was so much we did not do for them or give them because we were fighting and struggling. I never beat my kids, but this was back in the day of spanking and I did inflict this as discipline. And I lost my temper. Today, I cannot imagine ANYTHING that any of them could have done to deserve this.
And I left my husband. He was making me crazy, I could not go on without killing myself, exploding, or going completely insane. This is not a very nice package to hand to one's children. I should have been stronger, I should have handled him in a different way. I should have stuck to it until they were all raised.
I was a single mom for 3 kids (boys were teenagers, a daughter only 7) I waited tables at nite which was the only way I could support all of us, plus be available during the day if one was sick or needed anything. So my teenage boys finished raising my daughter. Great, huh?
STill, my priorities were askew. I spent too much time exercising, cooking and cleaning and not enough time helping them w/ projects or giving them all that they needed.
This is too long, I am sorry. But AchievingGrace has hit my nail on the head. I am made of guilt, consumed w/ guilt. All the things I didn't do that I should have done to make their lives a little happier.
I know that my boys are both depressed. One (33) has had exactly 1 love affair, w/ an older woman (he was 24 and she was 36) He left us, traveling thousands of miles away, more than halfway across the country, to be w/ her w/ everything he owned in his car. I am not supposed to know the truth about
this, but she was a tramp. A beautiful, charming tramp. She took men to her room, while my boy sat on the porch drinking and cursing. But he loved her -- she could take his anger away.
Anyway, too many details. But he has been alone ever since. We have had many discussions and he maintains that he is happier alone. I understand that feeling, because I have also chosen that, by default. But I fear he will be alone until it is too late.
My other son is happily married. He would not be, except that he lucked out and met a woman who is perfect for him. But he is depressed and has admitted it. But he will not talk about
it to anyone and he sees no point in talking to anyone. I have begged him for answers or ideas and he has none. I have challenged him that I know that he has been hurt and that I need to know by whom, whethter it was me, his Dad, the bad marraige (he was very sensitive), the counseler at Church camp who took indecent liberties with his cousin, WHO??.
Sorrry, too many details. When I am feeling sick or that unbearable depression, I dwell on my ex who seems to have ruined all of our lives. I feel like I will never get over his betrayal, lies, and 'other life' he lived while married to me. I feel that I can't get over it.
BUT, last fall, after a couple of months of abx and some needed relief, I realized that I actually did not carry all that resentment of my ex -- and that it was the disease/depression that caused me to dwell on that.
Not so for the other guilt -- my kids. This is not the way their lives should have turned out. I should have provided them more of what they needed, even if it had meant remarraige, which I never could seem to envision -- as much as I worked and cleaned and cooked for my kids (AND the dog!)
I don't know what to do w/ this guilt. I have prayed and prayed to my Lord Jesus to forgive me of all this. And I do believe that He will, if He hasn't already. But this burden is never lifted.
So my anguish continues --- even tho I have been forgiven, the harm and the misery in my children still exists. I don't know the answer in all of this. How can I be forgiven if the children I love are still suffering??
It is just like a murderer of a child. The killer can repent and he can be forgiven. But what about
that family that will suffer the rest of their lives? If he is truly repentent, HOW can he help those he's caused to suffer so??
Agreed Achieving Grace -- all the counseling in the world will not help. Today's counselors are equipped ONLY to help us feel better about
ourselves, too often in very selfish ways.
SO.... does anyone believe that things like depression, guilt, etc have predisposed us to the contraction of Lyme w/ the inability to eradicate it? That is my question of the month....
Bit 1972: Acute and chronic tonsillitis, UTI, miscarraige, appendicitis, hypoglycemia, chronic neck pain w/ crushed vertibrae, chronic severe back pain, mitral valve prolapse, depression, resolution?
Bit Mother's Day 2007: Lyme, Babesia microti, hypothyroidism, EBV, HHV6, Parvovirus B19, low adrenals &misc other hormones, depression, anxiety, more of the above.