I believe it is the nature of this infection (Lyme) to destroy the host/infected from the inside out. I will probably be dismissed and lectured by those who believe I am passing hopelessness along to others who actually need bolstering. And perhaps this is true only for some.
Some of you will not relate to this, as you have had to spend thousands more dollars than I, I just don't have thousands any more to spend.
I am lucky enough to have a well respected LLMD, but I can hardly ever get into see him (currently being punished for forgetting my last appt). He is expensive, as well, as are some of the meds he has prescribed. When issues come up that I believe are related to Lyme, he requests that I go to another specialists. He never tests my liver or spleen (I have 2 strains of babesia), so the abx could even be doing more harm that good -- what would he know?
As some of you know, I had a very severe eye infection for which I had to see an opthamologist for a little over a month, almost everyday, w/ a60 co-pay each time. (plus they have sent me anothe $200+ bill after thousands I've pd to them) My corneas and my eyesight were on the line and I had to do it. Not only the co-pays, but this Dr prescribed and changed my meds every other day. I have a cupboard full of eye drops that he had me stop using the day after I started them.
Next, my 10 yr old dog needed to see the vet -- a 'lower cost' vet. Starting w/ priorities that needed to be checked and treated, I came out owing $300 and we still need to go back for more. Can you believe that a abx script for her for 10 days cost $100!
I am not poverty stricken as many of you are. But I do not have the money to buy all my scripts. Esp since they have not done any good. When I started anti-virals, I stopped my Augmentin and LDN, which I felt were not helping at all. However. I am now sicker than before. And I have used up all emergency medical funds.
I have decided to just let this infection run its course; If Lyme kills me, well, then there's one more stat that can validate this disease. I feel as if I have only been experimented on (esp eye Dr who changed from day to day.)
My back is shot, I will probably be crippled within the next few years. So who cares? There is nothing that can be done about that, anyway.
So I am giving up. I have lost ALL of my friends and most of my family. I moved in w/ my daughter who I love more than life. She has a baby (now 11 mo) whose father is not in the picture except for supervised visits once a week because he is a violent drunk. I stood by her side, helping her, as she gave birth. I took one of my dogs, who is my baby, back to her foster mom because she is so exuberant, my daughter feared the baby could get hurt. Of my 2 dogs, she was the closest to me, emotionally, but I knew that my old, black, ornery dog could not find a home because no one else would care for her or understand her like I do.
anyway, I moved in w/ my daugther to help her w/ the baby --I bathe her, often feed her, play w/ her and watch her while my daughter runs errands, showers. I am a free babysitter when she has no one else. And she freakiing hates me. She verbally abuses and insults me, then if I argue back, sticking up for myself, she tells me to leave her alone and will not listen. My own daughter. I am not resentful of what I gave up for her, but it hurts deeply that she feels this way to me and it's downright ugly, nasty, and mean.
Sorry, off track there. I don't feel like fighting this anymore. It is too dangerous to take these abx for year and years w/o liver and spleen checks. I am so over it, over the whole thing. I believe that this disease is eating me from the inside out. Between the pain in my back, pelvis, hips and legs from the collapsed spine, I cannot take all the pain much longer. The only thing will do is pray for a miracle.
This is not written in order to garner sympathy for poor poor +LYme. It is written because I have decided to give up, con't on and see what happens. When one dies from Lyme, what do they die of? I will NOT live to be a burden on anyone -- crippled or w/ MS or Parkinsons, etc. I will not take to bed and have anyone take care of me -- I have my ways of taking care of that.
Is there anyone out there who is continuing on w/ out and help ro meds? Even natural treatments, because they are expensive too.
sorry so long -- can anyone add to this. I admire all the fighting most of you are fighting. but I just don't have it in me anymore