Oh, Trav, I meant to say 'ole buddy', as I've known you from way back.
You are always such an 'up'. You too, Deejavu.
The day turned out OK, my grandbaby girl loves and needs me, and all the rest, but for some reason began suffering severe anxiety and new tears on my way home too late this evening. At least no regrets.
Deeja -- I just don't know. I may email you soon to try to learn about what you believe will work. At this time I cannot add a single other bill to my budget -- not even a $60 Dr co-pay. However, my current Lyme meds are costing me more than that, which is the reason I have gone w/o from time to time, like while treating my eye infection -- except I stayed on the Aug during that time. So maybe I would even out or even possibly come out a bit ahead if I were able to stop some meds.
I have been back on Mepron, which is not cheap. I had refused to believe that Babs was as stubborn as Lyme and should have been knocked out with a couple months of it. However, when all of a sudden my anxiety went thru the roof and speaking of 'deejavu', I felt exactly as I felt when I first contracted it in 2007. I was bitten again this Spring, so it is entirely possible that I had been rid of the Babs and contracted it again. My labs still show 'high out of range' w/ translation of 'past infection', but ALSO as high as is 'seen in acute Babesia'. So I got back on it, altho I can't manage to get all my doses in.
I also got back on LDN which is expensive (for me, so relatively: $50/mo) and I am not sure that I will choose to get off of it again because of all of its claims, and in hopes of warding off MS and cancer. Also to improve CFS and fibro, which he says I have now progressed into. I do need to find a way to aquire it cheaper, tho not sure I can compound it myself.
I cannot handle a lot right now, but hope to be able to email you soon. I have made a series of extremely poor decisions recently, partially due to poor mental state, I am certain. My most recent (besides my dog's) was jumping into an apt without proper inspection or reflection, and having to kick myself each day over it sure does make things worse.
I had chosen an apt that I really did not like, but could afford and was very close to work and I was planning to have both dogs w/ me and be able to go home each day for lunch and get them out. It's not easy to find an apartment close to work that will allow 2 60 lb dogs w/ affordable pet rent and pet deposits, but I could afford this one. I am ashamed to say that I felt embarrassed to be moving into this tiny apt after always having lived in very nice ones.
But it smelled and that bothered me from the start. Then I saw black mold in the basement (laundry/storage area). Explanation was 'older apartments.'
**** AGAIN, I have addressed this on this board before: My LLMD, who is an infectious disease Dr told me that his research in the past 2 yrs has indicated that appx 70-80% of his patients WHO ARE NOT GETTING WELL have black mold poisoning. So I was a bit alarmed about moving into this apt. I work for the city and discussed this w/ a codes officer who told me these apts have had water issues for years, as well as mold that they will not address. It is extremely toxic, but not illegal and she indicated that this very large company has refused to correct these issues for years. I also spoke to our local EPA who assured me that if I saw it and smelled it, it was there and it was toxic.
At the last minute, one of my dogs was put down (devastation because I allowed it), so I ran, not walked to another complex that cost a little more w/ higher pet rent, but which I had heard was really nice and a great place to live. They told me it was clean. I am embarrassed to say that I walked into it, saw the brand new carpet and new counter tops, nicer closet and bathroom and put my money on it on the spot. I did not notice how dirty the floors, woodwork, and windows were. I did not notice the thick paint jobs, paint over paint over paint -- painted OVER the dirt. I did not note cobwebs covering the ceiling. I did not notice the rotting moulding by the rusty frig where it must have leaked for a long period. I did not notice the smell. I did not even look in the basement/laundry room. I barely glanced at the very large but very scary patio, overgrown w/ dead bushes, vines and trash. My dog will not even go out there to pee. Had to borrow money from my own kids to cover the loss of deposit on the other apt, high pet deposit and higher move in cost.
I moved in and immediately crashed when I noticed all of this, esp just having lost my baby (dog), esp knowing I would not have moved here if I had her because of the pet dep and high pet rent.
Sooooo, (sorry it takes so long to explain stuff), I am now struggling to clean a place I do not have the energy to clean. I have done my best w/ meager funds (a lot of vinegar, sheer curtains w/ new blinds after having to hang sheets over the filthy windows make 100% difference).
Sorry, the whole point of this is more despair over my poorly made, impulsive decisions which I end up hating myself for. Best of all, there is black mold in the basement and the whole building smells, which, according to the EPA agent indicates IS, IN FACT, a black mold problem into which I should never have entered. Suffice to say, with what I had, I have set up a relatively cute apartment and altho it is not clean (will eventually clean every square inch w/ vinegar), appears to be clean enough and the smell is improving.
And the rest of the point is part of my depression/anxiety and lack of energy and motivation to battle. as well as difficulty w/ the budget. The need to kick yourself daily does not help either.
I'm sorry that this is not interesting to read, but has been a bit theraputic for me to unload. It is a part of my downward spiral and probably borne of the need to punish myself, which I am not fond of doing, but constantly feel the need to.
It is a matter of everything put together bringing me down and I have done it to myself. It is an indication that I cannot and will not make a positive decision for myself.
These days it is not popular to feel guilt and we are lectured against guilt and hating ourselves. But what if it is deserved? What if it cannot and be fixed? And so HOW can we find a way to heal when we are saddled w/ guilt, low self esteem and hatred that is fair and deserved?
I disagree w/ the popular statement that guilt serves no purpose. That is because we do not want to own up to our own failures and harm. I understand that we have to learn to move forward and find a way to become healthy in spite of it, but it cannot be put away or forgotten.
I must offer the excuse that this disease is partially to blame for my actions and mistakes that have caused self hatred. But where does that get me? The harm is done and cannot be undone. I will talk about my dog later as she, more than my poor choice in homes, has been the root of my most recent unbearable guilt, self kicking, and anxiety.
Deeja, I hope to email you soon, at least to see what you are suggesting.
btw, I need a new job as well, because mine is causing me undue stress, anxiety and self esteem/hatred issues. Easier said than done.
I sincerely hope that others of you on here are finding the hope and answers that you need. I do know quite a bit about the Western Blot if you need that after looking at the interpretations given on this forum. And I have figured out a lot of stuff thru research, such as how Lyme has caused my moderate scoliosis spine to collapse due to loss of abdominal strength, caused by Lyme. I'm familiar w/ many screwy symptoms, too. Hopefully I can help someone some day.
Thank you. AGAIN.
Post Edited (+Lyme) : 9/29/2012 9:22:08 PM (GMT-6)