Your post almost made me cry... I'm so sorry life has made you jump over a lot of obstacles...
I hope that you can overcome these dark feelings, I really do, cause like you said: you do love life...
I might maybe get some reactions on this, maybe not, but have you ever considered working on your inner child. I had a troublesome youth because of a mentally abusive mother, and working on my inner child has helped me. Do you have the financial possibilities to see a therapist who can work on that with you?
Do you take any contraception? I was in so much pain before, but then my llmd adviced me to choose the vaginal ring. It's easy, you just need to think about it twice a month. It considerably shortened my period to 2-3 days, I don't have excrutiating pains anymore.
Is your partner willing to get tested or see a llmd? It could explain his anger, negativity and depression? Or he just feels he can't fix this, and that upsets him?
I can't remember all the member's treatments, but what are you doing now as a treatment to fight the infection?
I know about the pain, it drives me crazy, the inflammation is horrible, it doesn't leave one part of your body alone. I saw my dr yesterday (unexpectedly) and he wants me to go on ldn (low dose naltrexone), he says it could bring down my pain levels considerably. I have no experience with it, so I can't say it works out of own experience. You could talk to your dr about it??
Please hold on, many of us got better, even the ones with infections that were up to 40 years old.
And PLEASE come on to the forum if it's getting too much for you, we are here to help you. Knowing that someone will listen what's going will take some of the edge off.
Lyme/Bartonella/Yersinia/Chlamydia Pn. Sick for +/- 20 years (34 now).
Started treatment August 2012 with 15 months of abx - now on a modified Cowden Protocol since December 2013. Leaky gut, heavy metals, EBV, XMRV, erythema nodosum, Hodgkin's Lymphoma at 15, Lyme arthritis, Neurolyme, food allergies/intolerances, histamine/chemical intolerance