Posted 12/8/2014 8:42 PM (GMT -7)
IHL—so sorry you had to experience that—on top of being sick in a way that no one but us understands. It's not fair, it's not right and it's not healthy for you.
I love the idea others have suggested—to pick something that you, your fiancé and son can all do together. It was fun for your son to bake cookies w/ the "in-laws" and very sweet of them to love him the way they are. So, at least they are good for that and you are so wise to support the importance of his relationships.
But girl, you need to detox his relatives and anyone else who treats you that way! If you and your fiancé have attempted to discuss this issue with them and they are still treating you that way—it's time to draw the line.
This touches a sore spot with me because I recently had to do that with my aunt. I don't know why, it's a little bit in her nature and I became the target du jour for her because she's treated my mother (her sister-in-law) the same way once upon a time. But she's passive-aggresively nasty and sweet for no reason. I can't say this about everyone in my life because my lymerage has ruined MANY relationships. But with her, I know for sure that I have never given her any reason to treat me this way because she has always been one person in my family whom I have liked and enjoyed and wanted to be around. But then 10 yrs ago she started treating me on tooooo many occasions like crap.
So finally, FINALLY this past year I decided that I'd had enough and that no one can change this situation but me. And I withdrew from the relationship with her. Granted, we live in separate states and I see her only a couple times a year but now, with my illness and so so so many more important things competing for my attention and energy—I will not give her anymore opportunities to hurt me. That IS in my power. No more. I know she has become aware of my distance and we'll see what that eventually brings but for now, I am peacefully indifferent.
Once I made that decision and "let go" of any responsibility I have to her, boy did I feel better. Like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and that confidence you get from doing something you know was right and smart of you. LOL—the opposite of when you know you really screwed something up! Indifference can be cathartic. And absolutely necessary for me to get into the right head and heart "space" for the holidays.
For you, you don't have the luxury of distance like I do. But I like d2gw's suggestion. I think you mentioned you already tried to confront them. But instead of confronting them about something that has happened in the past, perhaps you plan ahead for the next interaction with them (which, really, it is up to you to interact with them or NOT to—a little time off from them would be very very healthy for you). But if you do need to prepare for interaction with them, set your terms and do it up front. Be your very sweet self but cheerfully and confidently let them know how things are going to go down. Let them know that you want them to do X and you're going to do Y and you're really looking forward to it, etc… And then follow through… and if they start to challenge you—let them know this isn't what you discussed.
Often, we teach people how to treat us. And sometimes, as other posters have suggested, there are people in life who have to be told what you expect from them. And in order to protect yourself, you have to establish your boundaries. And you're also better off limiting what you expect from them… if your expectations are low, then you'll never be disappointed. It's not that you don't love them—it's that you like other people better. ;) Your fiancé is all who matters and he will appreciate you standing up to them.
It sucks, but it is an essential life lesson. And eventuality your son will be old enough to pick up on this behavior—not just theirs but yours in allowing it. And I know you want him to see you as wonderful as you really are. ;) LOL stupid life lessons...
You come first… you're stronger than you think you are. And just wait—once you've kicked this illness—you'll be the bionic woman.
Chronic late-stage lyme—likely infected in 2000; Clinically dx 3/2014 w/ Babesia, tested positive for Bartonella, CDC-positive for Borellia. Multiple viruses and GI/immune treated first; started AL-Complex in May; started A-Bart and A-Bab in July; have IV port installed and started on Rosephin.
Detox: Pinella, Burbur, Parsley, Milk thistle seed, Burdock root tinctures; japanese knotwee