Posted 5/30/2016 10:04 PM (GMT -7)
I've been forcing myself to be more social, both with people as well as just the world outside of my house.
Run errands, do normal people stuff.
Warm, sunny disposition, even if you feel like hell.
Talk, even if you feel as though everything you have to say is garbage, and that the person will think you awkward or slow.
At the very least, you'll still be approachable to them, not that weird, drawn off person.
I don't mean to offend by calling any of us weird or whatever, that's just how I'm sure the majority of people see the recluses among us, because they don't understand, and making them understand is such a challenge.
I'd rather be frail, sickly-looking kid with no personality and seems a bit on the simple side but still seems nice and, again, like someone they can talk to than.. that kid who's got some sort of "disease" and walks around with a face like he just ate a turd, glazed look in his eyes, putting up a wall against anyone that approaches.
It's hard, I'm still that antisocial person.. I can't wear the mask a lot of the time. It's easier to be alone, no thinking, no talking. I got a big problem with awkward eye contact or long exchanges, or even the short, unexpected ones.. people talking to me in passing. I can't process and respond fast enough.
I'm trying though..
I think I'm too ambitious about it. I'm trying to build my life up in ways that my body and mind cannot support right now, and I think I'm gonna end up getting hurt pretty badly over it. My health is not in a good place, and not looking to be going there any time soon. But, I'm tired of losing time to Lyme disease. I'm tired of just going through the motions, eat, sleep, treat, wait to get better, repeat, repeat, repeat. This health stuff could take months, years. I can't wait to heal my life in other areas any more. I'm young, but I have a window of time where certain things need to get done to make it so I'll even have a realistic chance at fending for myself, continuing to try and build and grow in the future. Steps need to be taken, and some of them are quite the jump. They're gonna require distance, much like healing from these infections. I can't wait even another year before I start taking some of these steps, because they themselves are gonna take me a couple years. It sucks, because I wanna be confident in myself. I want to know that I can do something, not be hindered or even cut short by my sicknesses. I'm tired of failure, but I'm tired of being stagnant out of fear of failure too. I hate it. I'd be so capable, if not for this (I'm sure you can all say the same). I'd be so far from here. I just have too many hopes and dreams for my dull brain or poor frame to really allow me to pursue. My heart is 10 steps ahead, it's always trying to get me to live a life that's just not possible for me right now, and.. sometimes, I listen to it. Like I said, I'm probably gonna end up getting burnt over it, but.. oh well, at least I tried.
All you can do really..
Don't mind me, guys..
scrape myself off the pavement ten thousand times over