Not even sure what to say. I'm just having a really hard time . The physical stuff is hard too , but the emotional stuff is really getting to me.
As most of you probably know, I've been having major anxiety issues lately, enough so that I went to a phychiatrist my LLMD recommended- she gave me clonazepam, which makes me really depressed & dosent really help my anxiety eaither.
I stopped it & went back for another appointment & was put on gabapentin- which didn't do anything for anxiety, & made me really angry. So the phychiatrist said to quit it & go back on the clonazepam until I can get into see her ( which won't be for over a week) .
I started taking the clonazepam again on Friday after speaking to the doctor , and have been feeling steadily more depressed...
Overall things have been xtra stressful lately, with family and other stuff. The constant financial stuff related to my inability to work & treatment costs etc. plus there's been some extra neighbor stress ( there's always some, but even more than usual)
My little brother is the only one who remotely understands & he usually drives me as I'm not driving right now, but there was a big family blowout 2 weeks ago and the result is that my brother can no longer drive me, but he said he would drive me to the appointments I already had scheduled.
One of which is an LLMD appointment I have this Wednesday. I don't even want to go , as I had to put the doxy on hold until I get some anxiety relief b/c it was making my anxiety ( and physical stuff too) way worse- like intolerable .
But the Lyme doc wants her $ , and insisted I see her this week even though if I were able to make an appointment this week I'd rather see the phychiatrist and figure out something for my anxiety that dosent make me worse!
Anyway, tonight my brother & his wife & I had dinner with our mom- supposed to be a birthday dinner for my brother & I. Stressful on its own. And physically & emotionally draining.
I've tried to explain that I'm not well enough to do things like this, but my mother throws such fits that the stress is even worse .
But at dinner my brother also happened to mention that he can't take me to my appointment on Wednesday b/c he just found out he's got an opportunity to go to a trade show in las vagas for 4 days & he's leaving tomorrow.
I totally understand that it's not his responsibility to take care of me, and that he really wants to go to this trade show etc. im not mad at him or anything.
But I'm barely hanging on here. The clonazepam is definitely making me depressed again , but the anxiety is so bad I keep taking it out of desperation. And because the doc said to ( stupid, I know) ive got no idea how I'm going to get through the next night/day etc, let alone the next week and a half till my next phychiatrist appt. And considering her track record, I can't even count on getting any relief after that appointment eaither.
don't even want to go to this stupid LLMD appointment, even if I had transportation, which I don't- but I've already tried to postpone it and the LLMD said no. I'm afraid if I cancel tomorrow she'll charge me anyway .
And when I finally got home tonight ( totally fried physically & emotionally) it just hit me (again) how alone I am. My boyfriend died 7 years ago, and I've lost almost everything else since then. Most of the time I'm used to it. ( although I do think the stress was what made my Lyme symptoms go from bad to WORSE)
But tonight it just hit me really hard, how bad I miss him- in general, and selfishly- to be there for me in times like this. I just want one night of having somebody to hold me & make me feel like somebody's got my back & cares- even though they can't fix me.
I just want to crash, but I can't even do that. My brothers b-day is tomorrow & I got all the stuff to make him a card ( which has to be ready before he leaves for his trip- Early...) and I still have to wrap his gift too. I know it shouldn't feel so overwhelming, but it does...
I can't even pull myself together right now. How am I supposed to make a birthday card????
I'm so sorry for this long rambling complaining post. It just feels like you guys are the only emotional support I have. Anyway. Sorry , sorry , sorry.
Post Edited (Casa11) : 10/29/2017 7:39:48 PM (GMT-6)