I just wanted to say that I agree with Peteza about taking it slow and low with the herbs. Keep it simple so you know what is working and what is not. When I was on Jernigan's protocol I only took Borrelogen (even though a bottle contains more than 1 herb). I wanted to see how I reacted to that before adding more herbs.
Also, please take time to mourn for your Mom.. I was devastated when I lost my Dad.. I cried every day for about 3 months because we were so very close. I remember I wanted to jump in his open grave at his funeral because I just couldn't believe he was gone and I wanted to be with him, sick huh? Today I feel my Dad's presence around me (kind of hard to explain)...
When I was really sick I "lost myself"... I forgot who I was and who I used to be (my memories were faint). I was bedridden most of the time and what "forced" me to get out of bed were my 2 doggies I had at the time. They forced me to go out and buy them food (and myself food) and to let them out to do their business. My dogs saved me in so many ways.. When I got better I found myself again (a lot older but still me) and I had lost so much when I was sick. I sort of reinvented myself once I got better if that makes any sense.
I will write more later.. We are expecting a snow blizzard starting tonight and I need to go out and run lots of errands..
Hang in there okay? We care about you!!!
You've been a good friend to me lately. I really appreciate that.
I know you're right about
going slow on the herbs and supps but I already have so many at this point. How do I know which ones to take and which ones not to? I hate to keep repeating myself but I really am confused in every way, shape, form possible right now. My brain is just constantly confused. Grr.
Could it be something other then the Lyme doing this to my brain? I think I have a lot of neuro toxins. The frustrating is I don't know what to do about
it or can do in my situation. LLMD won't listen to me so far but know i had exposure to mold for well over a year and between that and some other wrong turns, I believe that is what made everything crash earlier this year. Not just the lyme but Idk. I'm on disability insurance, I hightly doubt they will pay for that kind of testing either. I could be wrong and maybe it all just is Lyme and co. Idk because I'm not a doc and I can't afford to go to one that may be able to tell me one way or another.
I'm trying to mourn my Mom. I really am. I care a lot that she is gone but this is hard for me to deal with for a few different reasons. One being that my emotions in general have been shut off for a long time now. I became aware of this months before my diagnosis. I didn't understand what was happening. I couldn't feel anything except fear. No love, happiness, enjoyment of anything, anger, sadness. Nothing. And that hasn't changed much, really. Just in the last few days I find myself getting very down and teary eyed, emotional, maybe a little nostalgic for better times in my life, I don't know if this means anything or not. I guess it's better then feeling nothing at all 24/7.
Of course I did cry when my mom passed and I was also herxing very badly I think. I can't even begin to describe what that was like the last time seeing her in the condition I was in that night.
Everything that happens lately just seems like a dream. Like nothing is real and I have to keep reminding myself of whats going on in my life from day to day or I feel like I forget. Plus, the way my mom was the last few years of her life. I feel like I lost her long ago. It was so hard seeing her the way she was. I won't go into detail here but it wasn't my Mom anymore. I also feel like I have felt her presence a couple of times since. It's happened with other people I was close to who passed as well. So I get it.
I am grateful for my Dog. He is my only company most days and nights. He's been with me through everything. I love him so much but even that is hard to feel sometimes. I know I do. I just don't feel the emotions that I always did. It's hard for me to understand or wrap my mind around.
I would do anything to be able to reinvent myself. And I worry that my memories won't come back. I worry about
what I can and can't remember. I'm constantly asking myself if I should remember this or that from my past. Like I said, literally feel like I'm a completely different person. I don't know who I am anymore. I just know I want to get to the place where I can start all over again. But I need my brain to work properly to be able to do that and I feel like i don't have more years to wait for that.
Sorry, I tend to write too much. I used to be more aware of these things too. Also used to edit like crazy and I don't even bother anymore so sorry for any mistakes. I was once a very smart person. Honest! lol
Thanks again. Hope to talk with you more via email soon. Good luck with that Blizzard. Stay warm and safe!