Posted 4/12/2018 12:41 AM (GMT -6)
Would it be possible for you to work in an area of medicine that’s less intensive?
I’ve willed myself through LPN school, because I need to in order to support myself and provide a better quality of living. Granted, that’s not near the level of a PA. I’d love to be a NP, but I don’t feel I could juggle all of those pieces, at least not right now. I plan to keep moving with my education, hoping I’ll find the answers to my health picture along the way, but that’s not certain.
Even as an LPN, completing preceptorship, some days are a real struggle. I’d like to work days, so as to maintain a normal schedule, circadian rhythm, and challenge myself in order to grow (more happens during the day), regardless of how Lyme/co limit my ability to do so, but I’m constantly heing reminded of those limitations. I’m probably going to work nights. I don’t want to, but I don’t want to crash and burn, let alone risk someone else’s health. My heart’s telling me to take the hard route, though. Easy sucks, sometimes. The past couple years, not much of the good in my life has come easy. Still, I feel like I don’t work hard enough, because Lyme holds me back inside my head. Physically, too, but it’s the decreased functioning mentally that really keeps me from really pushing my boundaries.
But, yeah, back to my point, if I can make it through an RN program, I’m fairly confident I could find a specialty that is low stress. I was wondering if that’d be possible for you. A niche that’s not quite so demanding. I mean, a PA is meant to oversee care in a really layered way, I guess, so that might not be an option, but... try? Relocate, if you have to. I don’t know.
My health sucks. I have so many things that compound. Treatments contradict each other in some cases. I’m so busy with life outside of being sick that I don’t dedicate enough time to getting better. I’m a mess, in a lot of ways. I am so far from having the answers. I’ve got working ideas in my head, but I’m really just hanging on. I keep picking myself up. I stay dreaming. I don’t know if it’s right. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. I could start declining rapidly tomorrow, I guess. I’m just here, one foot in front of the other.
Disability, assistance programs of some type, that might work out for you. If not, I’m sure you’ll find a way. People give up on trying to get better. Most come back. Some can’t afford the best, so they do the best they can. Is it enough to get better? Sometimes, I don’t know. I’m not here as much as I should be. I hope so. But, some are probably more like me, scraping by. Point is, we’re still alive. Life’s still life. I’d rather be here, working with what I’ve got, than dead. Astroman mentioned survivors.
I’m gonna have my little dreams. I’m gonna do my best to keep everything in order, simultaneously falling to pieces, praying I eventually fall into a system that works. Some days, I wonder. Ask my girlfriend how much I beat myself to hell. No compliment is good enough, no accomplishment, nothing good I do, because it’s not enough to live up to standards I’ve got from a time when I wasn’t sick. Is it normal to think about killing yourself on a daily basis? Am I weak? Do I exaggerate? Is it normal to pull a 180 every morning, tell myself to smile, how beautiful life is, how grateful I am to be here, and get out there to be something? Reach into a dark hollow and turn myself inside out, every day. I wish it were constant, but it’s probably the infections. I don’t really want to die. There are sides of me that would have the world believing otherwise.
We’re at two different points in life, I’ve realized. You’re talking about struggling with a profession you’ve been in longer than I’ve been alive. I don’t really know how to give you advice. I’m fighting to get to that point. I’m just trying to make my contribution, see a bit of the world, experience, be a human being. I don’t know what I am, why I’m here, if anything I’ve said means anything to anyone but myself. I don’t know.
I just wake up and do what I feel I need to do in order to keep breathing and moving forward. I **** up a lot, but... I guess that means I’m trying. If I weren’t, every day would be a **** up, and I’d probably not know the difference.
Just ignore me. My intentions are good. My heart goes out to you.
You’re in pain, but you all get to share the experience of another day with me. Keep doing your best.
Do the work, be the prize.