Suicidal thoughts

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BBN!!
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 86
   Posted 5/18/2018 11:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Being a guy I have a hard time opening up about my emotions. Other then this forum I really don't open up to anybody.. not even my doctor.

I believe I've been having a herx from bartonella which I've been treating now for about 4 months.

Since the begging of this illness I have had these suicidal thoughts occasionally but recently they have been really bad. I believe it's the antibiotics I'm on causing some sort of herx from bartonella. I stay mad, hateful, & moody pretty much all day. I'm constantly mad at everybody & feel like nobody cares to understand.

I've lost my dream job. I have no income. I don't even have my train of thought. I basiciallt stare at the wall all day because I can't focus.

My niece is having a birthday party tomorrow which I've already decided on canceling since big crowds give me such anxiety.

I feel like I have lost my mind. Every time I try to ignore my symptoms and have a regular day I reach my limits. I either get tired or I run into a rather simple problem that I would have usually been able to solve but now just run into a dead end.

I wake up not knowing what day of the week it is & have a hard time remembering what year it is!!! Is it 2017 or 2018!? That's just crazy.. I can't stand living like this. It's torture!

It seems like since starting this treatment my emotions have been al over the place and I can't control them. I have these suicidal thoughts and convince myself I should end things. I'm tired of dragging my family through the dirt.

I try to tell myself this is just another symptom & everything is gonna go back to the way it use to be.

The financial problems this disease has caused my family makes things worse.. having my parents sometimes pay for some of my medication because I'm unable to work.

I can see why suicide is the leading cause of death with Lyme disease. I've only been dealing with this for 2.5 years & I don't see how anybody has dealt with this for decades.

I have such a hard time writing these things because I lose my thought so much. I have word limitations.

I know I'm ranting but this is the only place I can rant without getting looked at like I'm a complainer. I post on here quite a bit & I apologize.

So back to my question.. is this a herx from bartonella? Is this normal for treating this awful bs.

doors12
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 717
   Posted 5/18/2018 11:57 PM (GMT -6)   
I just went through something similar, my crisis was precipitated by houttunyia, which while it was effective, it was removing my ability to sleep. I ended up having to not only discontinue it but start azythromycin which really seemed to help me turn the corner.

My problem was i couldn't sleep, even with insane lunesta doses.

If there is anxiety, klonopin from the psych doc helped enormously, but adding 250 mg azithromycin seemed to finally pull me out of what I now believe was a bartonela flare and not a herx.

I need to make a full post about what I went through for anyone who finds themself in a similar situation because it nearly undid me


Don't be afraid to do anti anxiety drugs or see a psych or regular doctor or psychologist of you need to, you're not crazy, it is the disease and if you can work with your doctors it will get better...two months ago I was a goner...klonopin and my own suggestion of adding azithromycin and my faith got me through a spot i couldn't fathom i would ever reach

I hope this helps and make sure to detox, perhaps Epsom baths

Keep posting here for more help and advice

Doors12

10LymeB
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2017
Total Posts : 685
   Posted 5/19/2018 12:12 AM (GMT -6)   
We have all been there. Understand, you're not alone.

Herxing is "normal", but when it starts to get too intense, you need to back off whatever you're taking, give your body a rest and then SLOWLY start again. It's a long process, but that's the way. Make sure you're detoxing: Epsom baths, lemon water, charcoal, modified citrus pectin, lots of water.

Go easy on yourself. THIS crap IS HARD. It's not just hard, it's the hardest thing you will ever go through. But you can do it. All you need to do is not quit. That's all. You don't have to be strong, you don't have to make ANYONE understand.

Take deep breaths. Meditate. Get some oxygen to your lungs and brain. Don't worry what day it is. My career was just taking off and I had to quit. Now I'm back to writing. It's been amazing. Slow, but amazing. Do what you can, that's all. Right now, your "dream job" is getting better. That's your job.

There will be good days and bad days, worse days, and OK days. It changes like the weather. Just be kind to yourself, OK? You can handle this. You've come this far. If you need to vent, we're here.

CBD oil or Happy Campers (found on Amazon) got me through some really dark times.

BBN!!
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 86
   Posted 5/19/2018 12:18 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you!!

Girlie
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2014
Total Posts : 33965
   Posted 5/19/2018 12:52 AM (GMT -6)   
BBN!! - I'm sorry you're having such a rough time...I get it...we get it.

"I wake up not knowing what day of the week it is & have a hard time remembering what year it is!!! Is it 2017 or 2018!? That's just crazy.. I can't stand living like this. It's torture! "


I went for many months not knowing what day of the week it was when I woke up. And the calendar didn't really help me...because before I went to bed I'd cross off the day and then in the morning, I'd wonder if I had done it the night before.

It gets better. I know what day it is every morning now...

One other issue for me was paying bills. For some, I still write cheques and mail them...and just that process was difficult for me. I got a few returned unsigned....

I think my memory/cognitive function is probably about 70-80% of my normal now.
I haven't worked since 2013. My husband and I had plans...and they've been squashed.

Something that did help me was going to a counsellor. I would go there and let it all out. I felt safe to express my feelings there...and I always felt better when I left.
Moderator, Lyme Forum
Symp started April/2013; Buhner's Lyme May 15-July24/14; Igenex pos. July 3/14
Doxy: July 4-Aug.24/14;Zithro July26-Aug24/14; Amox + Proben. Aug. 29/14;
added biaxin Sept. 26/14
Disc. amox,added Ceftin Nov. 20th.;
Disc. biaxin added Buhner bart herbs Dec/14;Jan/15 pulsing Tinda (w/ Ceftin);
Abx/herb break Apr-July/15; July-mino; Aug. added Rif;
Nov./15 mino - to biaxi

mpost
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2015
Total Posts : 1527
   Posted 5/19/2018 2:09 AM (GMT -6)   
we all had some thoughts like that at some time.

but i always think of terminal cancer patients and realize there are ppl much more sick than me that cling to hope.

that makes me look silly if i think to kill myself. yes lyme is not fun, is debilitating but u can get better with treatment, and u most certainly wont die from it.

that is enough for me

gerdy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2018
Total Posts : 110
   Posted 5/19/2018 2:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi BBN!!,

I feel for you. I've been there with the suicidal thoughts when things were bad like you're saying with herxing and simple things were difficult to do. Family was down on me and I was terribly sick.

Even last week, I thought I might be in early alzheimer's stage but those same symptoms can also be from lyme and co infections.

Those symptoms cleared up for me this week when I started on an herbal treatment with "Lymogen" and "Neuro Antitox II" that prevents the herxing problem.

I'ts Friday now, and Monday is when I began taking the Lymogen. I don't take any prescription meds.

I also got on a diet of mostly salads and lightly cooked vegetables just before starting the treatment. Also, I drink lots of spring or purified water.

I didn't cuss out other drivers when I was driving this week. I actually pulled back instead of trying to get ahead. I was able to see when people needed to get in and I allowed them to. This is a big improvement for me.

My metabolism has caught up so that I'm not going slow.

Maybe something that is helping me can also help you.

borrelioburgdorferii
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2017
Total Posts : 246
   Posted 5/19/2018 5:30 AM (GMT -6)   
Sadly and if it is any consolation, I have felt much if not all of what you are talking about, right down to the word loss, not wanting to attend relatives' celebrations, loss of income, intense emotions, rage and irritability that are hard to control. It's hard to imagine how this all adds up and brings one nearer a dark place than usual, until you experience it. On a scale of 1-10 even my teenage angst and problems didnt bring me past a 7 (1 being very happy, 10 being super depressed and wanting to die), but I've seen 8.5s and 9s during the worst herxs.

Here's the thing, while I won't tell you to "snap out of it" you can definitely manage with a few essential things. 1. alka seltzer gold will alkalize your system and should calm you right down 2. glutathione 3. back off some treatments for awhile until you can recover ( I find myself cycling through bad times, and I'll change things up to try to feel different, different diet, sometimes cheat-days, sometimes a string of strict keto/paleo days and intermittent fasting.)

And there is nothing routine or usual about dealing with all the symptoms, but yours sound very familiar, pretty much textbook Lyme and Co, with probably some extra-Co (infections) thrown in.

You just have to give yourself a chance to function with 30% of the spoons you used to have.

Sometimes you get the spoons back. Well we hope so anyway.

And don't be afraid to seek assistance (financial also) to where you can maybe see a psych, counselor, get meds to pull you through those rough patches. I'm glad I have some of these meds to rely on, like trazodone for much needed sleep and hydroxyzine as a sedative anti anxiety. They're not that expensive and you can get help if your income is low or even non-existent.
Tick bite/EM rash +10 years ago
Active, athletic, with past concussions.
1st known bite: tick infested area, flu, chills, fever, neuro symptoms.
Treat with ABX/herbs recently (2-5 years now).
Get symptom free with strict diet: paleo/keto/IM fasting
Have done Buhner's Protocol, Doxycycline, Amoxicillin, Supplements.
IgG via IgeneX 31-IND, 41++, 58+ (Sep-2016)
IgM via IgeneX 31+, 41-IND (Sep-2016)

WalkingbyFaith
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2017
Total Posts : 2041
   Posted 5/19/2018 8:08 AM (GMT -6)   
"So back to my question.. is this a herx from bartonella? Is this normal for treating this awful bs."

Herx: sounds like it
Normal: yes

You're not ranting or complaining. What you are experiencing is very real and, unfortunately for us, pretty common. Many of us, myself included, have bouts with these kinds of symptoms.

If you're on antibiotics, talk to your doctor. You may need to adjust your treatment.

If you are not detoxing regularly, you will need to do that throughout treatment. Their are also herbs and supplements that can help.

goshawk
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2016
Total Posts : 2305
   Posted 5/19/2018 9:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Today...if your feeling down

Feeling like you cant go on , take a deep, slow and cleansing breath

Let that breath of life...the gift of life

Fill you with the understanding

That people here, and in your life... care and love you

We all face times of trouble, heartache and sorrow...

Call on your inner strength and power

and see that human will, is strong and amazing

Hope and faith is powerful

Life so very precious...can be joyful

Reach out, call out, lean on us or others in your time of need

You will overcome and conquer this

I love you fellow warrior, stay strong

acarined
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2015
Total Posts : 231
   Posted 5/19/2018 10:23 AM (GMT -6)   
BBN!! said...
So back to my question.. is this a herx from bartonella? Is this normal for treating this awful bs.

Bart causes neurological and physiological changes that will predispose you to these states of mind, much like drinking a pot of coffee will cause anxiety. If you were in a car accident and were paralyzed, you'd be facing similar challenges as far as the level of disability, but the cause would be crystal clear.

Bart and Lyme, as far as they affect the mind, are completely invisible to ourselves and others. I've had the infections for decades, when my symptoms started to lift with treatment I was overwhelmed by how different my state of mind was. Unlike a physical injury, you can't see the damage these infections cause your mind, except in knowing how you used to feel.

The most important thing you can do to reverse this process is to set realistic goals for yourself and understand what is happening. You can't go to the party, so send a card or participate in another way if you like. Some days a simple task like showering might be a struggle, make the effort, and if you fail be proud that you tried. These infections will rob you of the motivation to protest your condition, you must not identify with these thoughts, know that they are being caused by bart and are not the real you. It's a lot like physical therapy, start small and don't let your recovery be sabotaged by your state of mind.

BBN!!
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 86
   Posted 5/19/2018 11:42 AM (GMT -6)   
You all are extremely helpful & I can't thank you enough. If I didn't have this support group it's hard to tell where I'd be. You've helped me tremendously since beginning this journey & I'll begin to help others when I get better because I now see how important it is.

I feel bette today. Thank you all again!
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