Posted 8/13/2018 10:26 PM (GMT -7)
It’s a rough life.
There are days where I want to give up. All the time. Every day. I threaten suicide. I talk down to myself. It hurts. I know it’s not for the best, because positivity is everything, but it’s what’s in my head, it’s what I feel. They’re evils trying to get out. They break me down to nothing, and it’s all I can do to say, I just want to give up.
Some days, I do, and that’s no better, because there’s a side to myself that hates that I’m so limited by my health, and gives no breaks to the “laziness” within. I hate that I can’t spend every second of my conscious hours working towards bettering myself in some way. I try so hard, but the brain fog often gets the better of me, if it’s not some other physical symptom sprouting up that particular day.
But, you know, I stick around. I don’t know why exactly. I’ve had some successes, made some positive memories, these past few years, and I’ve come to realize that there’s still a life to live, chances to be had, if I just work hard enough.
I can’t tell you how many things I’ve tried, to be met with similar disappointment, that they didn’t work as well as I’d hoped, that I wasn’t cured. Buhner’s, Cowden’s, Better Balance tinctures, essential oils, so many different supplements, and, again, like many others, thousands and thousands of dollars spent. Countless disagreements with family members. Dozens of doctor visits for strange or painful symptoms, weird manifestations (cysts, varicoceles in my testicles, pains related to chronic constipation), only to be told everything is fine, benign, etc.
I could probably get really well, if I had the time, money, and presence of mind to research for myself, but I don’t, and those are just the cards. I just do my best, work with what I’ve got, and just try to stay alive, I guess.
I know the frustration, rather many of us do, of feeling as if the world is passing you by. It’s something people go through when they experience a loss of functionality. It’s only natural for one to ask things like, how can I live like this? You say, I just want my old self back. I want that feeling of freedom, moving through life without restraint. I get it.
Though, like I said, sometimes, there’s no telling what’s to come. Will I ever be right again? Comfortable. Free of the aches, pains, pressures, the haze in my brain. Whatever. All that. Will it ever be okay? A day where I don’t think about shooting myself? One would question how I’m able to trust myself with firearms.
Who knows? I spent four years in my room, trying to get better, feeding off my grandmother. At best, I got rid of a few symptoms and kept my illnesses from getting worse. I never got truly better. I still haven’t.
The years go by fast. Lyme doesn’t care. Time won’t wait.
I beat myself to heck. I feel so stupid, sometimes. I’m so far behind my peers. But, I’m alive, I can walk, I can speak, I’ve got a chance. This could be so much worse. The reason why I haven’t killed myself, because I don’t really want to die. I just try to tell myself I do, because I hurt. I just want to be healthy.
But, yeah. Give your dreams a shot. Try to accomplish something, if possible. You’re just gonna get older and more full of regrets.
I hate to take a negative approach to the idea of getting well enough to where you feel confident in your ability to live a “normal” life, because it is possible, and definitely give it a try - I mean, I haven’t given up - I just think it’s a really complicated thing for some of us and we lack the resources to get better.
For example, I have to work... to provide for myself, I have to go to school... so I don’t have to work so darn hard forever. I don’t have lines of credit to max out for tens of thousands, no rich relatives, etc. I can’t give 100% to trying to get better. Plus, I have dreams. I’m not gonna die without giving them my darnedest.
It helps once you start. Even if you feel like crap, once you’ve, say, signed up for classes at the community college, you feel obligated to go. But, I don’t know. Maybe it’s my age? I’m only 26. I have a lot of life left, I hope. It’s either force myself to be a part of the world and grow or I’m gonna be homeless and miserable, starving, etc. I’d rather suffer and pay bills, buying a minimum as far as meds and supplements than being able to afford nothing at all.
But, all this garbage I’ve set out aside, I get it. Do what you gotta do. God bless the people who get better, log out of Healing Well, and aren’t seen again. But, ten years later, I’m wondering if this is just a permanent part of my biome or whatever. I have so many comorbidities, everything envelopes, it’s like a kaleidoscope. I feel like I’d need thousands in testing, ranging from methylation, genes relative to mold detox, to stool testing, and whatever in between, not to mention meds and supplements, months and years needed in between to take the honored “low and slow” approach necessary to unravel everything.
Maybe I... um, make it more dramatic than it is? Not sure. Nobody wants to be sick for five, ten, twenty years, right? So, why are so many of us still here? It’s hard. I’m not a doctor. I just want to work, have hobbies, go on vacations, have a family, come home after a long day and watch some Netflix, be brain dead for awhile, make run on sentences. I don’t wanna deal with this crap. But, I have to.
Every day is a balancing act.
I’m sorry, if this is unhelpful or inappropriate. I tend not to come here very often, or at least respond, because I don’t have much to offer in the way of medical suggestions or scientific information. I just talk about nothing.