Wisco woman said...
I haven't posted in a while but I have been checking the forum quite regularly. At this point I'm done asking for advice on treatments because I feel i have tried so much with little results. I have been treating lyme, babesia and bartonella for a year and 10 months. I have very few good days and most of the time I think about what a relief death would be. I have read about members who have been treating for much longer than me, who are still very sick. What keeps you guys motivated to live. The way I feel, i just cant find any reason to sit through this miserable life any longer. I have family and friends who love me but I hurt so bad that I selfishly would just rather die. I'm at such a low place and dont feel strong enough to get through this. Any advice on how to get myself through this long journey would be greatly appreciated.
Wisco woman - i'm so sorry you're going through a bad time now. I understand...I really do.
I've been treating for 4 years.
The majority of my symptoms have gone/resolved...but I still have my worst one..so I generally don't feel that well...unfortunately.
What gives me hope is when I look at my list of symptoms I used to have and see how bad it used to be.
Have you had any resolution in symptoms since you started treatment almost two years ago?
I have to admit that at 2 years in I was having some of the same feelings as you - now and then.
When I was feeling really bad ie herxing or flaring (I sometimes can't tell the difference - my symptoms are and have always been all over the map from day to day - on treatment/off treatment) I would go upstairs lay on the bed and cry. Sometimes my husband would notice (if hockey wasn't on) and come and talk to me. I would (through tears) say that I don't want to live like this anymore...if this is how it's going to be - I'd rather be dead.
He didn't like to hear that...and I usually regretted saying it to him once my herx/flare resolved.
I have not said those words for many months now. Not because I have finally decided to 'protect' my husband from my misery...but because I DO see the light at the end of the tunnel now - (except for the odd really bad herxing)
What keeps me going sometimes is some of the stories of people who treated for a long time (+ 2 years) and got better - the Ranger in Under Our Skin for example. What if he had given up at 3 years...he'd still be suffering today.
Although my husband is supportive...(as well as friends and some family members) - they really don't 'get it'.
I find myself not even wanting to talk to my friends about
it...because I picture them rolling their eyes. (even though they don't)
There's a stigma attached to lyme disease...and that is so unfortunate.
Moderator, Lyme Forum
Symp started April/2013; Buhner's Lyme May 15-July24/14; Igenex pos. July 3/14
Doxy: July 4-Aug.24/14;Zithro July26-Aug24/14; Amox + Proben. Aug. 29/14;
added biaxin Sept. 26/14
Disc. amox,added Ceftin Nov. 20th.;
Disc. biaxin added Buhner bart herbs Dec/14;Jan/15 pulsing Tinda (w/ Ceftin);
Abx/herb break Apr-July/15; July-mino; Aug. added Rif;
Nov./15 mino - to biaxi