Hello, friend. While I know my words will be of little comfort, I'm truly am sorry for your many losses and your profound suffering. Of course, my being sorry and feeling bad for your situation doesn't help a ďamn bit...because that's what I often think, when people say the same thing to me.
I want to say: "Well, that's great that you're sorry, but I can't take that to the bank and cash it. Try not to let my suffering interfere with your family's summer vacation to that expensive cabin you'll be renting for an absurd amount of money without so much as a second thought."
Then, I have to remind myself, if the tables were turned, I'd almost certainly respond the way as others. Unless one has walked this path, they'll never be able to understand it. Not truly. Many people are sympathetic and empathetic, but they still don't "get it." No amount of explaining is likely to change that fact. It's like trying to describe to someone what water feels like. There's no substitute for direct experience. And, I'd never wish Lyme/Co-Infections on anyone.
Is harming yourself the answer? No.
Of course, you might expect me to say that, because it's what we're "supposed" to say. While that's also true, I actually do believe what I'm writing. I've had those thoughts, too. That doesn't mean I know the depths of your pain and suffering. No one can. But, I think many of us have some close approximations.
Similar to what bluelyme wrote, I've witnesses two instances where sudden death shattered friends and family members. Those people will never be able to make sense of it and they will always carry pain, suffering, and, probably, guilt...though they had no reason to feel guilty, as both cases were sudden and unexpected.
It's because of witnessing these two events (different families, cities, states, and a decade apart) that convinced me not to harm myself. I still care more about
how my premature departure would affect others, even though those people are unable to offer me any meaningful support. That's either real love...or, insanity. I'm not sure which. Maybe both.
Now, back to your situation.
Obviously, none of what I've written changes the facts you presented:
* No money
* No family
* No friends
* No home
* No energy
* Too sick
* Unable to work
Again, I have some small sense of what some of these things are like. I don't know what they're like for you, but I know they're hurtful, demoralizing, sad, and very scary for me. Some of them make me really angry and bitter.
If you go to an Emergency Room and tell them you're having bad thoughts, you're likely to get an overnight stay and a really crappy meal. But, with any luck, maybe a couple of extra days with a few more terrible meals. That's better than being on the street.
Though I don't know for sure, my guess is that someone on the hospital staff will probably know something about
public resources that are available, such as homeless shelters, food banks, non-emergency medical/dental services, and so forth. I live in a fairly small city and I'm peripherally aware that some of these services exist here, due to a growing homeless population. So, maybe those things exist in your area, too -- especially if you're in/near a large city.
If you call or chat with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
, they will likely have some better resources for you to leverage.
There are various pockets of monies and services for a variety of things in most communities. We've helped fund these things, whether through taxes or donations. Yet, most people are unaware these various services exist, because it's like they're being kept secret. And, even when people qualify for them, the government being what it is, they make people jump through hoops, wait for long periods, attend meetings, fill out more forms, deny them, and force people to appeal or contact their elected representatives. These are often people the least able to ensure such horse hockey, because they're sick -- which is why they're trying to get assistance in the first place. Yet, the sickest and most needy people are abused the most. It irritates me beyond words.
Another thing to look into is disability. I've read this can be a long, slow process and will likely (though, not always) require the assistance of a disability attorney. I believe a person can get a free consultation with many disability attorneys, and, if they accept your case, they will work on contingency -- meaning they only get paid if you win your disability case. So, they will be motivated and incentivized to do everything they can to help.
Unfortunately, I'm speculating on a lot of this stuff, but I think I'm more correct than not.
If things don't improve for me soon, I'll need to be looking into this stuff, too. I've now been unemployed for 18 months and I'll soon be out of money, too. I've no parents, no siblings, and I'm not sure what I'll do, if I lose this apartment. In the coming week or so, I have an interview in a city where I don't want to live...for a job I don't want...and one I'm not even sure I'll be able to do, because of ongoing fatigue, neurological/cognitive issues, dizziness, headaches, etc.
Even if I'm offered and accept the job, I worry I may get fired or have to quit, due to my health. Then, I'll be trapped in a city I never wanted to live in the first place and I'll be even more alone.
My former girlfriend is watching everything unravel for me, and, while she feels bad, I'm still on my own. That's been tough for me to mentally reconcile. I know she cares about
me, but I also know I'm not her responsibility. Sometimes, I wonder if that's why she broke up with me. Then again, at this point, I guess it's irrelevant. I can't change the past.
Lastly, please don't harm yourself. While it may sound contrived, I really do care about
you. As much as people irritate me, frustrate me, and disappoint me, I still care about
my fellow humans. I hate knowing they're suffering. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or chat with them at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
, even if you think it's pointless. (It's not pointless.) Or, if you'd like to speak with me, let me know and I'll enable my e-mail and you can send me your phone number. I'll be happy to call and chat with you. There are many of us that do care.
Post Edited By Moderator (Sherrine) : 7/10/2019 8:36:34 AM (GMT-6)