Cauliflower Queen said...
I saw there's already been a posting about this, but it's really old, so I thought I would re-open the topic as I need a little bit of advice or even just some validation. I'm wondering how you all deal with the guilt associated with this illness (not the guilt of getting sick, but rather guilt about how you are "healing"). Some ways I feel guilt:
- On "good" days not "getting things done"- like I'll feel guilty on my good days for sitting around and watching tv or even doing something that I enjoy like reading or knitting (things I can do when I'm feeling bad) instead of working on my research (I'm a grad student) or cleaning the house, etc. (things I have more of a hard time doing if I'm feeling bad) those kinds of things. I feel guilty because I'm not doing these things when I could be.
- Eating - this one is a big issue for me. I've cleaned up my diet immensely and am basically trying to eat somewhat lowish carb, mostly veggies and protein. Today I wanted a cup of coffee so badly and so I made myself a coffee (fresh ground beans - yummm) with some cream (I'm also off dairy) and it tasted so good, but then I'm immediately struck with guilt about how I'm "hindering my healing" and I'm going to "pay for this"... you know the narrative... I feel this way too if I have a little treat like some gluten free bread with honey (I have celiac disease) as I'm not supposed to eat simple carbs and I'm technically off sugar. Then the whole narrative plays in my head again about "going to pay" and "sabotaging my healing" - which causes me so much anxiety and guilt.
I know that it's a fine balance between enjoying living and being too hard on one's self - but despite my logical brain telling me that a cup of coffee and a piece of toast is not going to make me worse in the grand scheme of things, and enjoying life is an important part of healing I just can't seem to be able to achieve this peace of mind. It's like I worry and feel guilty if I'm not following what a "proper" person who is trying to heal themselves should be doing.
Does anyone else feel this way and how do you get around it - to find that balance to heal, but still enjoy life?
I definitely struggle with this. Are you a perfectionist too? I am trying to be nicer to myself, but I feel immense guilt over not being able to clean as much as I should (and I'm also not working right now, so there's that guilt). AND I wonder how perfect everyone else is with their diet? I have the constant thoughts of "If I stray from my diet a little will I sabotage everything? Is one chocolate bar during my period going to screw it all up?"
Last week I made "paleo" almond flour chocolate chip
cookies (with maple syrup as sweetener). There is no possible way that is good for me, but compared to how I used to eat I am doing miles better.
I drink coffee every day, so I don't know how that could be bad for you...please no one tell me it's bad. Just don't put dairy or sugar in it. Have you tried coconut milk in your coffee? It's delicious (just buy it in cans, unsweetened, not the processed "coconut beverage.")
I used to have an eating disorder, so trying to be perfect all the time is really bad for me, I know that.