Posted 1/29/2020 4:18 PM (GMT -6)
Hey all, need some personal advice and perspective.
Today is my birthday. I'm in the middle of a horrible flare, and my gf moved out of the apartment last night, which has devastated me.
We've been living together for 1.5y. I had been sickish since we met 3y ago. In April of last year I got gravely ill with autoimmune SFN. Despite this, we've remained happy together. She's been pretty cool about ignoring my illness and not letting it get to her. She's claimed all along that she loves me, and I had no reason to doubt her. We have a great rapport, and we spend pretty much every day together. I've been supportive of her career, I paid for her school, and I treat her w/ nothing but love and respect. The only downside is that I'm often in too much pain to do things like go to dinner or socialize with her friends, but like I said she usually understands.
3m ago she freaked out and said that we'd been living together for 1y3m and I hadnt made a move to get married. I told her that I had every intention of getting married, but as I was in the middle of the biggest crisis of my life, I could not get married immediately. In order to stop her from moving out, I agreed to get married on my birthday. I was hoping it would bide me some time.
Since then I've only gotten sicker. On the eve of my birthday last night, I told her that I needed some more time. She freaked out, packed a bag and went to her parents.
My friend told me, "if you plan on marrying her why not just do it". I said to him, let me paint you a picture. For the past 4 days I've been in the middle of a flare that has left me writhing in pain. Yesterday I had a 5 hr infusion. Today I had a 5 hr infusion and a blown vein. Tomorrow I have a new rheumatologist. Friday I have the neurologist where we will discuss going on Rituximab, and whether or not I'm going to lose all my hair and maybe die from it. Next week is my LLMD and a biological dentist. Would you want to get married in the middle of that? What is the rush? Not to mention, I literally dont know if I'll ever get better, in which case we could get married and 2y from now she decides that she cant handle this, and then I'm screwed. Why not wait 6m, give me some time to see if I can make improvement.
Her reasoning is that I may think that she's being selfish, but since I've gotten sick, everything has been about my needs. She needs security. She needs to know that I wont sit around for another 2y biding my time and suddenly she's 30 and needs to start over. I offered to go and buy a ring today, and we get married later, but she refused. It was get married this week or you lose your chance.
She does not see that I literally CAN'T get married this week, or even this month. I dont have it in me emotionally or physically, and I will resent her if she forces me to do it like this. I dont want to do it under these circumstances, period. I'm also too stressed and busy w/ drs to be running around talking to lawyers and setting up bank accounts.
Who is right? I mean is this a bad sign that she's pushing me this hard, even when she can see how much I'm suffering? That she left me writhing in agony in my apartment on my birthday? Or is she right? Is her position reasonable? I need to know how others view it, and if I'm off base here in thinking that if she loved me like she claims, that she would stand by me and believe me when I say that I want to marry her, which I 100% do.