I have found myself scared. Scared with all ive learned as of late. I find myself waking up very alone feeling scared and tremendously in fear. I lay down with what one would liken to a stomach flu. All kinds of pain in the abdomen.
Although i feel pain bilatteraly in both kidney's, my left is the predominant one. I dont know much of what they'd look like upon ultrasound but there was a distinct diff on the left one. Where she pressed, wow. Also a huge dark, egg shaped area that i observed her taking her mouse and measuring the perimeter of.
I feel like i want to do so much , and nothing at all.
I want to do what i can while i can , but i also am eaten up with wanting to just stare off...and wonder the ugly question of why.
Why will get you nowhere.
I've learned from this life that it rains on all. The wicked, the upright in heart, the short, the tall, the pretty, the ugly etc and so on.
It's of no great time spent, asking why.
What<<is a question worthy to be asked. What do i now do with the time i have.
What should i leave, letters for my children, a painting for each?
What should i allow medically as far as intervention. How far and what am i willing to undergo to remain alive to fight MS? (wow never thought id be asking that lol)
This is merely a post that allows me a vent. I hope that you view it as a support type of thing. So that i dont feel so alone in this, i place my words here. :)
Ms, as crazy a disease as it is, is advancing in treatments. Its done so much damage to those who were not fortunate to have these medicines from the beginning. Even now more are in the works and i honetly think , (i really do) that there will be medicines coming out that target alot of the uncomfy's.
As far as embarassment or adjusting to life with disability. Imagine that being totally disease free were the disability. Afterall over half of all americans suffer some form of chronic disease.
Ive leraned some hard ones
1. alot of people really dont care about our limp (or whatever your specific thing is) as much as we care about what they think about it.
2. You can actually utilize your shortcomings to do greater things than can the average man. Most will listen to someone with experience before they will lend an ear to one who had been through nothing.
3. We all have a purpose. Even if you have no clue of what yours is, it makes it no less true. So, allow this life to be much like school. As we sit it the classroom let us learn and as the time draws near for summer break (the end of school) let us wistuflly look out of the windows and toward the sunshine).
4. I know it hurts to hurt. I know its hard to explain to anyone what you feel. thank God though that he's allowed for support chats and the like (such as this) to keep us from isolating ourselves.
5. get out of the house at least 1 time per week, even if it is to feed bread to the squirrels at a local park. Or try visiting a nursing home, i did and its simple. You sign your name as a volunteer and cllip a badge on and begin to make friends. What wonderful companions you meet! Since its a volunteer thing, you can go 1 time per month or 4 days per week. Totally up to you! They are older and have stories that will make you laugh, cry, and envision a life of another time alltogether. Back when they were young.
6.Since MS is day by day and sometimes hour by hour and minute by minute. You really dont have to plan nursing home or squirrel feeding. The nursing home here will be grateful if you stay all day or only 10 minutes! If you wake up and feel up to it, then theres your day! Sunshine around you , even while avoiding heat, can llift the mood wonderfully!!!!
7. Most of all. we see our disabilities but in alot of ways i see these things as strengths that we have to reaize as such before we can utilize them to their fullest. Afterall has it all been in vain? We have indeed been tested and tried. We still remain. Why? (now ill use the word why)......you have a purpose and its up to you to use it.
Many warm wishes to you all. This world can pack many a punch , it doesnt always seem fair, but i trust in God. the great news is that i do not only trust in him while things run smooth, but i know that he's even closer (if possible) when his children are in need. Yes he can fix us all with a wave of his hand. However, only he knows the larger plan. To think outside of the box is a hard thing to do. but pls know this. Even if you do not know him, he knows you!
Every day brings us closer to what we reach for .........in all things.
Post Edited (Kiera) : 3/10/2008 5:15:42 AM (GMT-6)