Hello Casino Kid,
This is Kitt and I have a history of depression for 26 years. I read your post very carfully and I agree, I would give up the drinking even though that may be a hard thing to do. The affects that alcohol have on the body are consistently predictable regardless of the use pattern. Alcohol is a mood altering depressant drug.
Alcohol is a depressant that slows brain activity down. While one or two drinks makes most people feel relaxed, more alcohol may cause feelings of anxiety, depression, and often aggression.
I know running into an old love can make us feel down and if you already have alcohol on board you are already set up to feel depressed and angry. As you say you can read her thoughts, perhaps she could read yours too and she was frightened by how your body language appeared to her and if you had been drinking and she remembers the past abuse, yes her normal response would be to retreat.
You posted "no joke i had a quarter stick of dynamaite in my hand, actually thought of throwing at him." Would you have felt that way if you had not been drinking?
I would like to suggest that you see your PCP for a good medical screening exam and be truthful, tell him/her how you have been feeling. Depression is a "whole-body" illness, involving your body, mood, and thoughts. It affects the way you eat and sleep, the way you feel about yourself, and the way you think about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood.
I know you are afraid of the meds but there are many new ones on the market and members are having success with the newer meds and less side effects. Please don't count out the meds. Also therapy is working very well and there are many different therapies avaiable.
I truly feel we may be able to help you with your depression if you would like to post in the Depression forum. We seem to have a lot of members whose depression is connected to failed relationships. You would find lots of support.
I don't have any medical history or know what medications you take on a daily basis but if your on meds they may also play a role in how your feelig.
There is something comforting about baring your soul to the members of Depression and still being able to be anonymous so please know you are welcome to post in the Depression forum or any forum that you feel may help you.
Please take care and hope to see you in the Depression Forum.
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression https://www.healingwell.com/donate *~* Not a mental health professional of any kindIt is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~