Im in love with Adam, he was my first boyfriend and we kept in touch for 8 years, since we connected again. I just found him again 3 weeks ago and immedialetly took a train to his house. I go there and it was amazing, we finished sentences and so much more came so easy. He told me he has been in love with me for so long, he fills every void every hole in my life, he treats me like a queen. I always knew from the first reunion that he had MS. Im just now learning that he has every type of MS chronic. Now he has brain swelling on top of this. He is in pain all the time, in every part of his body. Just this last two weeks he has hallucinated, in pain so bad I couldnt touch him, sadness, banging into walls hurting himself real bad that he cant feel it because of his daily pain and so on... The only thing I know in my 38 years of life is that I want to be with him take care of him, be behind him every step he takes.
I am doing my best to learn everything about this disease, but books dont tell me about the pain , how its so bad I cant touch him. How when he gets depressed what to say to him to bring him back, how to wake up before him and walk behind him so he doesnt fall into the wall or the door jam.
Im reading alot of these chats and Adam is so different, he wont let this get in way of his life. Tonight Im in NC and he is an Ga and he is real bad, hallucinating, calling the doctors, he can hardly talk, vomiting, he cant move. Im a wreck , so far away from him, helpless. this goes on for 3 hours, IM on the phone with him telling him this will pass, as he is in so much pain he can feel his brain swell, his temples are sore, he is blind in one eye. I dont know what else to do except find his closest friend s number and ask for help. I call his close firend and his friend calls him and all the sudden he is better. It worked, his friend calling snapped him out and now he is playing guitar for hours with his friend. He actually got in his truck and drove to his friends house and played guitar for hours. I am now awaiting his phone call on his ride home. This man is amazing the way he plays guitar OMG, all I can say is if you hear him your heart and eyes will swell with emotion. looking at him you would never know.
But it is here this disease, his prognosis is bad! But I dont care all I can think of is how can I help him? Im only human with human reactions and we have disagreed twice since we have been together and he has become so weak from it that I thought he was alseep. I tried to confront him and he was on the couch, his eyes shut his arm over his head I couldnt budge him. Later to find out that he was coherent and heard me he just couldnt move. Im so sad I didnt know that. I would have held hm in my arms tell him this would pass. To tell him Im not going anywhere hes gonna be fine, tell him to fight.
My reason for writing this is because I need to know how to help him. What do I do? He is on alot of meds but refuses to take to many because of his liver.
BUt his state of mind isnt always the best and some times I cant speak the way Im used to because it offends him and then he becomes weak and it all starts over. I love this man, but i dont know if im helping or hurting. I know I need to be with him, but im taught to submit to the man of my dream s and this is not the case. He needs me strong, but he doesnt and im kinda confused how to be. In the long run I have to submit, then I have to be strong, then I have to walk on ice. I just want to be strong with out making him weak.
PLease i ask for advice,when you are in this state what do you wish someone would tell you? Do you even want some one around when this pain is all over. when do I call the ambulance, when do I panic, when do I hold you, when do I cry.
I really love this man and we plan to marry. this is my life long dream to marry this man and be there for him every second.
I just want to help and not hurt.