new boyfriend with MS

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Queen of the Colon
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/10/2010 6:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone

I am really happy because I have found a boyfriend I really like. At last - a really wonderful man. Intelligent, funny, gentle.

He is terrific.

And he has MS.

I don't care at all, I think he's the bees knees.

But he might have some fears. I know he doesn't tell many people. It took him a long time to tell me - i knew he had some type of medical issue but didn't know what.

So - does anybody have any advice about what his sensitivities might be?

Like he might be afraid of what I might think in various circumstances.

Also, he has never had a girlfriend before though he is 34. So he might have other fears alongside his MS.

But I want to put it out there for all the people living with MS - what are your main fears if you have a new girlfriend? Do you have special needs?

What are they?

Thanks a lot!
Female, 35. Diagnosed December 2009 after 4 months of pain, blood and mucous.
sulfasalazine prescribed but never taken as my flare went away with small liquid meals, probiotics and vitamins.


dianna30
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 3/12/2010 12:08 AM (GMT -7)   
I am just curious how long the two of you have been dating?  If it has been a few months or more, I would say that the two of you need to have a heart to heart about his condition.  You can't be pushy about it or he will probably shut down on you, but if you just let him know that you are available/interested for him to confide in you, maybe he will start to open up.  The only way for you to learn how to deal with your boyfriend's MS is to find out from him...hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak. 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (Romans 12:12).

http://diannaschnabel.blogspot.com/


Queen of the Colon
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 3/18/2010 4:35 PM (GMT -7)   
hello dianna thanks for replying :-)

only dating for three weeks. he is awesome!!!! Couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend.

he has told me a bit about MS - not much really. I've watched him inject.

and he knows i know a bit about it from reading off the internet, and that it doesn't bother me.

i have ulcerative colitis (immune system attacks the colon)

so we both have haywire immune systems.
Female, 36. Diagnosed December 2009 after 4 months of pain, blood and mucous.
sulfasalazine prescribed but never taken as my flare went away with small liquid meals, probiotics and vitamins.


Stella Marie
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 601
   Posted 3/19/2010 1:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Queen of the Colon,
 
WOW - I am glad you have meet someone that you mesh so well with.  That is wonderful.  I think everyone who suffers froma chronic disease worries about what impact it will have on their loved ones.  We worry will be heathy enough to care for ourselves in the future.  We don't want to saddle our loved ones with chronic care issues.  We also worry about children.  I know this is a new relationship, but there is always a worry about deciding whether to have children and if you will be well enough to see them grow to young adulthood.  We worry about our loved ones seeing us in our worst condition.  We don't want them to pity us, but we also don't want them to have to give up their life because ours may be restricted.
 
With your health issues, I am certain you are much more sensitive and understanding of someone else's.  I have to be honest, my own family sometimes in not very understanding about my limitations.  Since you have "been there" and know what it is like trying to make other happy while you might not feel well yourself - the two of you may be a good match.  You both understand and care of others.  That is half the battle now a days.  SO many people only think about themselves and how everything is going to impact them.  You are obviously a caring person, and your friend is very lucky to have you in his life.
 
Please keep us posted as to how things are going.  I wish the two of you the best.
 

Stella Marie   Chronic Pain Forum Moderator

Progressive neurodegenerative disease called Multiple System Atrophy, muscle spasms, muscle pain, neuropathy, & neuropathic pain, central sleep apnea, osteoarthritis, and 2 pain implants – intrathecal pain medication pump and an SCS (spinal cord stimulator).  Extra fun little toys and gadgets; O2 generator and assorted wheelchairs, walkers, canes, and orthotic braces.  Med - too many too list or even care about!

 

 



Queen of the Colon
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 4/4/2010 5:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Stella Marie,

Thanks so much for replying!!

Well you will never believe what happened. It's not very good.

He suddenly got cold feet and dumped me: we had no argument, nothing bad at all. Just suddenly dumped me and won't talk to me. Just last Sunday.

I think he is scared. I will just have to wait and see if he might come back.

Meanwhile I found a really interesting article that is relevant to people with MS as well as allergies, UC and diabetes on helminth therapy.

I might post it if that is ok in a new thread :)
Female, 36. Diagnosed December 2009 after 4 months of pain, blood and mucous.
sulfasalazine prescribed but never taken as my flare went away with small liquid meals, probiotics and vitamins.


Jan4you
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 4/12/2010 11:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Well just read all the posts and now I am sad for you.
 
ITs HIS stuff for sure. Probably self esteem..identification and acceptance issues.
Does he work? You know the drill..providing. being the "man"...sexual issues.
 
Still..you have my support.
 
Warmly, Jan
I believe in MIRACLES ~!
 
DX: 02/10 MS and Epillepsy
DX: 10/09 Gitelmans disorder, a rare kidney disease
DX: 02/09 Dysautonomia and SICCA syndrome


Beau2006
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 388
   Posted 4/12/2010 12:26 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi there and good afternoon..quite the interesting and touching post.  I have not posted here for quite some time, and would like to add my comments to this.....on other sites this topic comes up every so often, regarding dating, should I, should I not, friends that were, friends that still are....etc....  here'sy take on this....

Sadly, we live in a culture that pressures us to be 'perfect', what ever perfect really means. We live in a society which values and reinforces artificially created ideas of physical perfection. Look at the clothing industry of today - if you are a female and if u do not wear size zero, then your selection process for picking out clothing is limited to the girls who look like sticks. It is things like this, and many other perfect infused cultural ideas that push us to feeling inferior - like when we are with friends, or a partner for dating purposes. All this eats into our self-esteem and somehow,  we have to find ways of remaining confident in ourselves. 

Before you/we start dating in my opinion, we need to make sure our heads are in the right place. Regardless of disability, starting a relationship when we do not feel good about ourselves may not be the best way to go. Easier said then done, I know.

In my way of thinking, and I do stand to be correctred, if you believe you're inferior, you'll be perceived that way: But if you think about the things that maintain a relationship, it is not the so called "perfect" outer shell that does it, it is things like a  great sense of humor, thoughtfulness, a sense of adventure, honesty and truthfulness. So don't define yourself by your disability; it's only one part of you. It can be all too easy to use your disability as a comfort zone by telling yourself you can't chat someone up, or that someone might have to take care of you, or you just might have to miss a date cause you are not feeling well or because you are in a wheel chair for instance- it may actually be because you, like many people like us feel shy and maybe lacking a bit of self confidence to persue your happiness and dreams. You will and sounds like you have found your dream man, without either of you knowing it, you were both out there looking for each other.  You will take him and he will take you for the beautiful people that you are.  So keep a smile on your face and your head up, as what you have is a wonderful thing to have. 

Anyhow my two cents worth, mind you with all of this verbage, it is likely more like a nickel - ha!!!  Thanks for your time and your ear, and have a fabulous day.

Gary


Queen of the Colon
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 4/14/2010 2:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello, thanks very much Gary and Jan

Yes I have been a bit heartbroken and I am missing him a lot. I sent him a letter to let him know I care and I'm sorry if I scared him off by being too keen, and that I still think he is amazing.

I told him if he changes his mind i will be very happy to welcome him back, but if not then I hope we can still talk to each other and depart as friends.

But he never replied, so I don't know what is going on in his head.

I really think he was my Mr Right but he has just run.

You know he said since he got diagnosed with MS it was a big scare, so he only really trusts his mother.

And she is possessive and doesn't really want him to have a girlfriend. I think she might have interfered.
Female, 36. Diagnosed December 2009 after 4 months of pain, blood and mucous.
sulfasalazine prescribed but never taken as my flare went away with small liquid meals, probiotics and vitamins.

Post Edited (Queen of the Colon) : 4/14/2010 7:01:59 PM (GMT-6)


Jan4you
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 4/14/2010 7:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh my dear.. my heart breaks for you~!
 
He may have been "mr right"..but now he's more like "mr not right now".
 
But.. you just gave a BIG clue.. his mother is possessive. You have no idea how much SHE may influene him.. or he may need her yet.
 
As much as this hurts..and you will do some mighty grieving cuz you GIVE your heart so easily.. this just might be a sign.. or hidden blessing. I am a firm believer.. if its meant to be.. it will be.
 
Learn from this.. once the hurt passes hon..and remember I am here for YOU ~!
 
Gentle Hugs ~!
 
Jan
I believe in MIRACLES ~!
 
DX: 02/10 MS and Epillepsy
DX: 10/09 Gitelmans disorder, a rare kidney disease
DX: 02/09 Dysautonomia and SICCA syndrome


Queen of the Colon
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 4/19/2010 3:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Jan i really appreciate your gentle words and hug

It really helps to talk about it and get feedback :) thank you

Yes, the more i analyse it the more i think it was a combination of his fear and his mother getting in his ear.

She wouldn't like me as I'm bossy and a bit of a rebel. She is conservative jewish mother who is very possesive. He is her only son now as her other son left as a young teenager and cut her off.

So she's hanging on for dear life. 34 and never had a girlfriend. I rest my case. He really liked me too, I don't think he was faking it, he really cared.

He will be back in June and we will work together again. I think it's meant to be and I think it is only a matter of time. Things will go back to normal because you can't fight love and mutual attraction forever.

Sooner or later it will win over fear and a grown man will eventually choose a girlfriend over his mother. It's nature, he must.
Female, 36. Diagnosed December 2009 after 4 months of pain, blood and mucous.
sulfasalazine prescribed but never taken as my flare went away with small liquid meals, probiotics and vitamins.


Jan4you
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 4/19/2010 4:13 PM (GMT -7)   
OH my.. I am sorry and don't mean to be a budinsky...but your wishes just "may" get you in more trouble and heartache.
 
You seem so certain he'll chose you over his mother..ok..but does that really mean his mother won't be influential or interfere??
 
After all.. you are not Jewish right? That is a very strong culture/religion.
 
He very well may have been attracted to you.. after all he is a man..but attraction may not hold as we know.. and not sure he is not passive. Anway.. you'll find out.
 
What do you mean he'll be back in June?? Where did he go?
 
Jan
I believe in MIRACLES ~!
 
DX: 02/10 MS and Epillepsy
DX: 10/09 Gitelmans disorder, a rare kidney disease
DX: 02/09 Dysautonomia and SICCA syndrome


Queen of the Colon
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 4/20/2010 3:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jan, *HUGS*

You are right, I'm not Jewish

But he eats pork, and doesn't go to synagogue so does it matter too much? I'll convert if they care because I'm not religious so whatever mumbo jumbo they want me to do I'll be happy to participate


I will find out in June though. I think he likes me but just got scared.

He is off storm chasing in the USA.

We will see when he gets back if life can go back to normal. I will try not to be angry and to overcome my feelings of hurt at being dumped and just take it easy and let him be free to be friends or not as he chooses.

But in my heart i hope he chooses to come back, and i really believe that is inevitable :)
Female, 36. Diagnosed December 2009 after 4 months of pain, blood and mucous.
sulfasalazine prescribed but never taken as my flare went away with small liquid meals, probiotics and vitamins.

Post Edited (Queen of the Colon) : 4/20/2010 8:18:29 AM (GMT-6)


Beau2006
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 388
   Posted 4/20/2010 9:31 AM (GMT -7)   

After all "he is a man"......what the heck does that mean?

Gary


Queen of the Colon
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 4/21/2010 8:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gary,

I don't know, but in this case it means he is deeply conflicted. He was happy and enjoying a new thing, but his mum interfered, and timing was bad and he became afraid and weighed down with worry - it all got too much so he just tried to make the right decision and he thought that was to dump me.

He might have been worried about his MS issues too as he said he really only trusts his mum since he found out he has MS. So if she doesn't like me... curtains.
Female, 36. Diagnosed December 2009 after 4 months of pain, blood and mucous.
sulfasalazine prescribed but never taken as my flare went away with small liquid meals, probiotics and vitamins.

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