Posted 7/8/2006 7:48 AM (GMT -6)
I have posted my grips here more then once. If you are looking for a pick me up to read this I am sure will not be what you are looking for.
I have been trying to find my balance in life, but obviously have no center. There is no balance. I tried to do what I was "suppose" to do. What my goals dictated and what I had planned for my life. Obviously, MS has gotten in the way of that! But I still tried. Then I tried to go the opposite direction and figure out what was essential in my life, never figured that out. So I am back trying to go back to my daily life that I just don't seem to "fit in." At the beginning of June I had a small exacerbation that really scared me more then anything else. But now that I am back to feeling worse then I did before, I am struggling to maintain status quo. I think those around me think I am doing so much better, but I am not. I tell them I am not, but that doesn't matter. I have been moving through the pain, fatigue and fear, doing everything I "should" be doing and I am miserable! I hope that I will forget how I feel, and life will go back to "normal."
I think it hurts the most when those closest to me are wanting to see that I am ok, and don't realize that it is all I can do to hold it together today, and yet they want me to do MORE! I CAN'T DO MORE WHEN I CAN BARELY HOLD TOGETHER WHAT I GOT!
Maybe I should be posting on the depression forums, but I wouldn't be depressed if I didn't have MS, so here I am... I am struggling for some kind of control, to put to words what I feel. When I was younger, there was a counsler that I had that told me that he saw that I was gonna make a big difference in the world. I was young and naive and wanted to beleive him. His words helped me through the hardest times in my life before MS. No matter how bad the present was, tommorrow was filled with promise. That is how I lived. With MS I have trouble thinking that tommorrow has more potential then today. But that is me.
I HATE that my house is a mess, my cars need to be washed, my mortgage is late for the first time ever...
Diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis September 2003 currently taking Copaxone.