hi everyone. I just received my ileostomy a few months ago (I HATE Ulcerative Colitis). It was done to save my life. I was refusing surgery and the doctors yelled at me and talked me into it...well they actually didn't give me any other choice. Thank goodness, otherwise I'd be dead. I don't know why I was so against the surgery and how on earth I thought I was going to survive without it.
So, how am I doing? Physically --- amazing! Still weak, tire easily, sore. But I don't think I EVER felt this healthy before! Maybe when I was 12. Emotionally? That's another story. I'm extremely depressed. Sometimes I don't even get out of bed. I lift up my shirt, stare at my scar, my bag. And I feel sick to my stomach. I may not be a candidate for j-pouch. My life has turned upside down. I'm single. 30. With a bag. I've read a lot on here and I feel better knowing how awesome-ly you guys are handling things. Sometimes I think I am doing OK. And I keep telling myself it will get better. But I wake up each day feeling the same. Depressed. I think the few moments that I am happy, I am just putting on an act so my family and friends don't worry. Inside, I'm hollow.
I started therapy and anti-depressants about
a month ago. I feel pretty good in the session. But as soon as I leave, I spiral downward again. Sometimes, I wonder what the point of life is. I quit school and turned down a job offer because I was going through all this. I almost hemorrhaged to death. I know there are tons of worse things that could have happened. So what is my problem? My parents don't like seeing me with a bag. My mom, especially. She wonders how on earth will I ever get married. She brings up ex-boyfriends and says I should have gotten married earlier. Crazy.
I have massive headaches and insomnia. I can't breathe right. My appetite has decreased. I am VERY irritable and snappy. It's not just the bag. It's how the disease royally screwed with my head. I don't see myself when I look in the mirror. I just see the bag. Anyway, sorry I'm rambling. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for listening.
female, 30, ileostomy 2008
Post Edited (bittersweet) : 7/10/2008 1:00:08 PM (GMT-6)