The following is a vent...
Every day, I don't know which is worse... the physical discomfort or the emotional pain. I feel like every day I'm handed a box full of every negative emotion and feeling of self-loathing/pity wrapped in a pretty bow with a card saying Merry Christmas... And the worst part is, every day is Christmas!
By the day my emotional state is becoming more and more deteriorated and erratic. The constant fatigue makes irritable and tired, the uncomfortable bloatedness makes me want to isolate myself and never be in human contact, the self-consciousness from the weight gain makes me depressed and paranoid. And three years ago, I don't even think I could have explained what any of these feelings felt like.
It's so frustrating that nobody I've met in the last three years has been able to meet the real me, and some of the people that were around before all my CI started don't really hang around me as much because my negativity has gotten to be too much and I always physically feel bad, and no matter how much I try I can't fake the smiles and good moodiness anymore.
When I do genuinely smile, laugh, or have a good time.. I get the comments like, "Oh wow, she can smile." or "Oh look who decided to have fun for a change."
But what people don't understand is that the real me, the me I used to be, ALWAYS smiled, always laughed, and always had a good time. And up until three years ago, I was never depressed and was laid back about everything. The exact opposite of how I feel every day now.
I just wanna be the real me again and be able to show others the true me. That would be a true Christmas to me, the chance to get my life back, the chance to get me back. I just pray that I'm able to have my surgery in December like planned because I think it will be the greatest gift I could EVER get...