I think it's normal to go through the emotions you are. I know I did!
They recommended me to have the surgery like 5 years ago, and I just recently had it done. I kept thinking, "I'm so young, the bag is gross, I'll be a freak, I'll be unattractive to my husband, what if this happens or that, I don't want those scars, I don't want a bag on my skin constantly-how will I tolerate that, What about going out in public...." I thought of every excuse and vanity issue. But then I had my daughter and I was so sick after having her. I couldn't heal after her birth b/c of pred. and that's a MINOR thing that pred has done to me. I want off that stuff and the only way was surgery. I had a hard time taking care of her b/c I'd have to rush to the bathroom constantly-on GOOD days 10xday. I even tried drug studies and only got sicker. For everyone, it just takes that "last straw." And I even think you have to go through a grieving process-you know denial, anger, acceptance......and the other ones :) If you think anti-depressants will help you, do them. Only you can make that decision, b/c only you know your emotional limits. I remember having the "good days" and thinking "this isn't so bad, I live like this" I'll just have to mess with a bag anyway if I have surgery. I mess with my bag way less than I pooped and medicated my bum and felt aweful. And having to run to the toilet 2-3 x at the grocery store, with a toddler and full cart of groceries......no more!
For me, the best convincer was research. I got all the info I could. From personal experiences (and you'll find soooo many more people who have positive stories than negative ones), and internet research (what happens if I don't do this-i.e. CANCER, toxic megacolon, perforations, constant pred., extraintestinal symptoms, etc.), Dr. consults, and I go to a support group here locally for Crohns and U/C.
You'll have ups and downs post surgery. I've had a few complications, but most people don't. Emotionally, I've handled things WAY better than I thought I would. The bag they put on you after surgery is the worst. So don't judge them all based on that one, b/c you can get tiny ones. And I wear tight clothes and no one can tell. Someone once told me to try to spot the ostomate at the local Walmart-you can't and you know there has to be one. It's me now /He He He).
I even wanted to chicken out the night b4 surgery, but then I thought "HECK NO, I'll never have to do that horrible prep again!" That was a great thought.
I can even still have the reconnect, but I'm not sure I'm unhappy enough with the bag to go through that stuff. I like not pooping. I thought it'd be wierd, but it's GREAT.
Don't rush. You need to be there emotionally. Not that you'll ever be %100 ok with it or even %90, but don't procrasinate either to where you'll be so sick you don't get the choice of where, when, and have a harder time recovering. That was also a big decision maker for me. I've talked to people who had it emergency and I just didn't want that.
Keep us posted.
I hope I was helpful,
28 yrs. old. married with one beautiful daughter (born 11/20/07)
-diagnosed with severe pancolitis u/c 2002 had total colectomy 12/19/08; emergency surgery due to abscess-had to redo ileostomy and switch to left side 12/25/08; 1/29/08 found blood clot in superior mesenteric vein (prob. from inf. and surgery inflammation)
pred. taper, zofran, immodium, lovonox, coumadin, carafate, prenatal vit., and pain meds
(ileostomy temporary....not so sure?)
"Things turn out the best for those who make the best of the way things turn out."