I am having some emotional moments - I think my family isn't quite helping other than wife

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schrek-chewbacca hunk
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Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2666
   Posted 5/18/2009 6:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Last night it seems that I took a good cry, as I looked down and saw the way my life will be forever.  My MIL is still here as my rectal wound is slower in healing as I might wish...and my wife had to go back to work.
Sometimes my MIL hurts me with statement like she can not only smell me, but now my room smells, my linens (she bought me my own set of bed linens and bath towels not to be mixed in the hamper with the others.  She told me she would prefer me to us the common washers in the condo complex, even though we have our own in unit.)  She said my life will be an unending life of leaks and sores, smells, and others noticing.  I am not sure I believe that, although I have smelled myself on occasion- and when I change or empty - when she swears she an smell two flights down.
When I did have two leaks - I believe from  ADAPT lubricating deoderant, she came to see and vindicated herself and when on about the smell for a day.
She bought me all this men's cologne that I hate and will not wear, but she has convinced me it is not time to go back to church or see people yet - going on 7 weeks).  I have to start getting my life in order for my charcot surgery.
When yesterday my wife was out and she said to me hadn't I put her daughter through enough.  I know what that means - and I am afraid to tell my wife, as she will hit the ceiling and get her out of our house.  I am sick about being the cause of of a problem with her mother.
So, I am not sure what to do...and maybe a bit of grieving losing what I once had.
I am trying to keep this in perspective.
What do you think.  love to all bob

Equestrian Mom
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Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3115
   Posted 5/18/2009 7:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Bob(((((big hug))))) don't allow that woman to get to you...she is a negative person and should be taken as nonsense...because that is all she is NONSENSE! skull

I am sure, if there was a smell, it was an isolated event...I've had my ileo for longer than I can remember (really, I have to ask my doc each time because I forget the year it was done!!) I don't smell and in fact, she smells worse than us...remind her how stinky she is the next time SHE FARTS shocked ... I know that was low, but really, she needs to get a life!

You are allow to have a pity party...major surgery entitles you...but PLEASE ignore her. Negative people have no place in YOUR LIFE. You are doing great and it sounds like you have figured things out appliance wise. Take care of yourself and clue your wife in on what the MIL is still doing...I am sure she'd want to know (I would if I was her).

Take care(((((hug)))))

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 262
   Posted 5/18/2009 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh Bob..does your MIL really have to still be there??  She is a mean mean woman and sounds horribly neurotic!  Seriously, does she still have to be there?  It's no wonder you are feeling emotional...she is (IMHO) emotionally abusive to you.  You do not smell...you can got to Church...you don't have to keep you linens separate....you don't have to wear smelly cologne (her picks probably)...you WILL have your life back, only it will be  a healthier life!!!!  I had my ileostomy for 6 months and never felt better.  Seriously I would kick your MIL to the curb if I were there!!!  She REALLY needs to leave!  {{{{HUGS}}}....PS:  I love Ohio's comment about your MIL smelling worse...LOL............Cheryl
Hysterectomy 1998
Diagnosed IBS 2000
Vaginal Prolapse Surgery 2001
3 Hernia Repairs, 2004
Repeat Vaginal Prolapse Surgery 2006 (the mesh from previous prolapse surgery had let go and fallen into my bowels)...
Removal of mesh from bowels (it was piercing holes all through my bowels and appendix and cecum, causing 2 fistulas and heavy bleeding vaginally and rectally)...mesh was removed, two pieces of large bowel removed and resectioned with a loop ileostomy. 2008
I have underlying connective tissue disorder (Ehlers Danloss Syndrome) which is the reason for the two failed surgeries)
Ileostomy Reversal March 9/09

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 275
   Posted 5/18/2009 7:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes, Bob, tell your wife! It's been 7 weeks and she needs to go so you can REALLY start healing! Adapt never did work for me though. M9 drops really made a difference. And don't listen to her. If you feel like going to church, or where ever – go! I think you will be surprised that no one will notice! SO get her out of the house and LIVE! Your life TRULY is not over!!!!!!
Crohn's Disease, Colostomy due to cancer and I make darned good dill pickles.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 669
   Posted 5/18/2009 8:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bob,

Saw your post as I was surfing, so thought I'd come visit you for a minute from the Crohn's board.

I am so sorry for what you are having to endure right now. Keep in mind, things do change. Try to see your situation as being "temporary" for now. That sweet and gentle spirit of yours will work wonders for you if you don't give in to the negatives that come along with being ill or from what others might insensitively blurt out.

I have watched your posts over the past couple of years. It was always touching the way you told your stories of the beautiful realtionship you and your wife share. Don't let ANYTHING get in the way of that.

I know you are so much more diplomatic than I am. But if I was in your position and wasn't up to snuff to deal with it myself...yes, I would tell my wife what her mother said. And let the chips fall where they may. Why would you hold on to so much hurt that someone else pushes in your face without regard to your feelings? All it does for you is to make you wonder if you are too burdensome on your wife....and you know better. You know what you share with your wife. Don't start hiding things or stop sharing with her.

You know how your wife will react. Well??? Who are you married to? Your wife, or your MIL? If my mother ever said something like that to my spouse (expecially if he was trying to recover from an illness) she would never say it twice and still be in my home. And I'm very close to my mother.

Right now things seem very sad to you. Keep in mind that you just as vital a being as anybody else in this world. What you have to offer is of extreme importance whether your body is, or isn't, functioning optimally right now. I know you've touched my heart in many ways with your gentle and optimistic spirit. I can only imagine the love your wife must feel for you. Don't be dwelling on stupid things that your MIL is throwing at you. And please don't start holding back from your wife. You have enough to handle emotionally. Your wife is there for you, and supports you.

Love and hugs,

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 5/18/2009 9:24 AM (GMT -7)   
I wish i lived close enough to come help you! Cause i really would just to get that woman away from you!
MIL's can be bad enough without all this added stuff going on.

you should go to church, it may help you to get out and see other people! No matter what she says, unless you tell someone or pull the bag out and wave it around in public NOONE will know! And you wont smell, unless you wear that awful cologne, lol. I used to work with a woman, and she had an ostomy and she had the worst smell about her, and i was terrified thinkign that was what i was going to smell like, until i discovered that the awful smell was her trying to cover up what she thought was a smell from her bag!

Ask you MIL where she washed your wifes diapers when she was a baby, and where her mother washed hers. Ask her how the bathroom smells after she poos.
And yes definetly tell your wife how she is treating you! Being treated liek that is not helping you heal, in fact its probaby hindering your recovery. I dont think people realize how much mental health affects your physical health

I will be thinking about you and sending you bunches of hugs!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 5/18/2009 10:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Never have I asked this question before and I know what your answer will be.....but boy do I ever want to ask for your phone number Bob so we can all call your MIL and give her a piece of our minds!

How about sending her down to a pay phone nearby and give us that #......

Grrrrrrrr, someday she will need someone taking care of her and know what this feels like (or another medical crisis).....

Hang in there, you are having to deal with so much, it's just not right that she is treating you this way.
Marsky/Mary's story.....
- Diagnosed with rectal cancer, April 1999 - Stage I, no treatment necessary
(5 hour colon resection: 90% sigmoid removed, 15 inches of colon removed, gall bladder removed, given temporary colostomy)
- Colostomy reversal, June 1999
- Left with IBS/D symptoms, multiple bm's every day
- On a low residue diet at least 75% of the time
- Takes Colace 50 mg each evening

All in all I do okay, I just use the bathroom A LOT! But I survived and beat cancer!

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 5/18/2009 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
THIS WOMEN IS INSANE!! *** is her problem? man i would hate to see what would happen if the shoe was on the other foot, it sure would be awful tight. does she have a heart? yes ohio is on point you dont need this person in your life if thats how youre treated or anyone like this. this has pissed me off. i cant believe someone could be this heartless. she may have a heart of gold some where ? have to to do a lot of diggin to find. your wife has got one helluva mom? GOD forbid if it was any other type of aliment.
ive said my peace hang in there youre alright with us.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 518
   Posted 5/18/2009 12:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Your wife wouldn't happen to be an only child??? --perhaps you will get some say where this abusive, crazy MIL will get to live out her days (before jaunting off to hell)?!?! I agree with what the others have posted before me. Get that woman out of your house and please do not believe this crap that's spewing from her.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2765
   Posted 5/18/2009 12:53 PM (GMT -7)   
You should tell your wife. She needs to know the truth about what's going on. It's YOUR house, and you don't need to be abused by your MIL anymore. You need to rest and heal in a peaceful environment. I hope your wife does tell her mother that's it's time for her to go live somewhere else, because it is!! The things she says are mean lies.

Good luck! We're all rooting for you! :-)
Dx'd Crohn's in '99 at 28. Proctocolectomy and ileostomy in '06.
Disease-free, medicine-free, and very thankful to be healthy again.

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 5695
   Posted 5/18/2009 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   

Well I think that with what you shared with us about you MIL's attitude before your surgery that we all knew she was going to be problemmatic in your recovery. Do you really need her help at this point? Can you and your wife get along without her? If possible I would just give her the "thank you for time but it's now okay for you to leave" speech. She has not been good for your recovery and has proven that she doesn't intend to see things any other way than she what she believes to be right. She also takes adavantage of you because she knows she can get away with it. If you told your wife of every incident where the MIL has mistreated you I promise the MIL would change. But it might be time just to cut the strings and move on without a confrontation. It's your choice but I think you know the less time you spend with her now and in the future the better off you are.

dx proctitis in 1987
dx UC in 1991, was stable until 1998

1998 started prednisone, asacol, pentasa, nortriptylene, ativan, 6MP, rowasa enemas and suppositories, hydrocortisone enemas, tried the SCD diet, being a vegetarian, omega 3s, flax, pranic healing, yoga, acupuncture, probiotics

2000 lost all my B-12 stores and became anemic

2001 opted for j-pouch surgery- now living life med-free

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 5/18/2009 1:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, here's a comical approach, for my second 2 cents of the day. I've tried it with my own mother (I was lucky, my MIL, may she rest in peace, was a saint! Oh how I miss her......).

Ask your MIL if she's ever watched a TV show called Everybody Loves Raymond.

If so, start calling her Marie. Right now. (unless of course her name is actually Marie, if it is, start calling her Marie Barone!)

That usually shuts my mom right up!
Marsky/Mary's story.....
- Diagnosed with rectal cancer, April 1999 - Stage I, no treatment necessary
(5 hour colon resection: 90% sigmoid removed, 15 inches of colon removed, gall bladder removed, given temporary colostomy)
- Colostomy reversal, June 1999
- Left with IBS/D symptoms, multiple bm's every day
- On a low residue diet at least 75% of the time
- Takes Colace 50 mg each evening

All in all I do okay, I just use the bathroom A LOT! But I survived and beat cancer!

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 5/18/2009 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
i know realize that life is too short especially all of what WE'VE (our club) been through. but this one the mil is more of a challenge than THE BAG (no pun intended) is. WOW! 50%optomist 50%realist
i think a child in fact i know a child would treat someone better than this. what makes this women tick?

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 552
   Posted 5/18/2009 2:39 PM (GMT -7)   

Bob, ((hugs))! I'm sure in her own crazy way, your MIL thinks she is being helpful. In reality, she is hindering your emotional healing (which is a big part of major surgery).
You mentioned that she said you shouldn't go back to church or see people. I say look to your church and friends to find some support! If possible, see if they can help set up some visitation to you if you can't get to them. I know many churches will do this with the homebound. Or maybe you and your wife can get out to see a friend or two even if it is for an hour. Any real friend will understand you are still recovering from major surgery.
I think for your sanity you need to see other people. Your MIL is poisoning your mind. You are a wonderful man with a terrific wife. You have a great future ahead of you. Find other alternatives to having someone help you if necessary (be creative if you have to) but send your MIL home ASAP. I agree that you need to tell your wife. She has supported you and sided with you all along. I am sure she loves her mother (I guess I hope she does) but she chooses to be in love with you and chooses to be with you!

Feel better (both physically and emotionally) soon. Like many have said, I wish I lived closer.  I would take a turn helping you out. You are very special. Remember that!

--Mom of bratcat (18 years old) and nonamejames (20 years old)--
Daughter bratcat was diagnosed with pancolitis October 2006
Flared Fall 2006, Fall 2007, Spring 2008
Asacol, Rowasa, hydrocortisone enemas, prednisone, 6-mp, Remicade
7/3/08-Step 1 j-pouch surgery and no more meds!
11/10/08-Step 2 reconnect! Living and loving life as a teenager should!
Son nonamejames was diagnosed with Crohns in Spring 2008
Asacol, Pentasa, 6-mp

schrek-chewbacca hunk
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2666
   Posted 5/18/2009 2:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry to you all, I guess I have made this woman out to be a real demon.  She isn't a demon at all and just says perhaps what we all think in the beginning.  She only has one child - my wife.  She thinks she got the short end of the stick because of my UC and my mobility issues with charcot disease.  She thinks my wife has lost 10 years of her life being with me and she thinks she would be better off without this albatross round her shoulders.
Yes, my wife has not had the carefree life that a 40 something wife should have, now in our 50's, I am trying every surgery, everything I can do to change that.
My MIL doesn't see that.  She doesn't see the gentle times we have just reading to each other on the couch.  Or the Netflix movies we rent and watch and then discuss like school kids.  Yes, we haven't been out as much as we should have.  I should have never let it get to this point before...but I am making that up know...and I am not going to let my MIL try to convince me to move into one of my studio apartments I rent out, or leave my beautiful fiona after 17 years.
Yes, it kills me to have to watch my wife clean my wound back there and reset my wound vac - no woman should have to do that for a man (although my terrible chauvanism permits me to think the reverse).
I decided to have my minister friend of many years to see me today...the first time to see anybody but my wife and MIL.  I point blank asked him to smell me, my bathroom, linens (I stopped at the hamper).  I have known him for 20 years - and he would not lie to protect my feelings.  I am a man of good hygiene, so he was baffled by the question. 
With him in the room, I asked her to leave on her own accord.  I said that it should be her decision and if she raised a note on anything with my wife, I would tell her by God that she told me to leave her.
I thankied her for her help but recommended that she get back to her own husband. 
My minister, a saintly single man, asked her why she felt the need to accentuate the negative.  She responded in a blink to him and said that she only tells the truth.
She will be back for my leg surgery in August.  I told her that I would appreciate if she would help me to heal faster by being a more god-like person.  I told her I loved her and asked my minister to help her if he could.
He was a bit testy with me for not calling him in earlier.  He said he always like to play interference in divinity school ball!
I am so terribly sorry to burden you all with my slightest of problems...when you read all the suffering that goes on here.  But as my minister says that suffering of the heart is the worst of all.
He is a good friend, and when he left, he promised to tell me if I ever did have and odor - and warned me not to wear that nasty man perfume she bought at the department store. 
With love to all, and apologies for sharing this woman's demons with you,

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 231
   Posted 5/18/2009 3:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bob,
This woman is my mother!!! That is why when I was sick and having my surgery, I was praying she would not come to be with me her only child, her daughter. Some folks just don't do well with sick people. My mom and I suspect this gal also just don't have a clue what to do and say, so they get a bad attitude and spread it on the sick guy. So I am sorry you have had to deal with this, but don't let her anywhere near you in the future surgeries etc. If you need care, get home health to come or anyway you can do without this woman's help. My hubby was home with me for a couple days and then had to go to work, and I had no family or freinds who stayed with me. I did smell till I found the odor drops, but I used the ostofresh drops and now I use 3% hydrogen peroxide and there is no smell what so ever. I didn't know there was anyway to handle the smell at first and I was depressed about the stench, being that I am a prissy gal and all. Thank God for odor drops, is all I can say. I did try the ones you tried and didn' t tell much difference. I know my hubby was so glad when things freshened up around here. There is a life for you and it is a good one, but you just have to get thru this part ok?
Recently my hubby had prostate cancer and I had to doctor his penis where the catheter tube went up and down and caused irritation. I had to change the bed when his diaper leaked urine, and I didn't ever in a million years think I could do anything like that, but love conquers and you do what you can do to help your spouse. It was very tender and we bonded thru all my surgery and his surgery. If my mom would have been around, she would have told my husband, he was gettting a bum deal having to take care of me, because before she moved away, she did that often, and was always trying to get him to see my illness as a burden to him and my kids. And she was MY mom. Go figure! Well you are going to do fine, just consider the source of this bad vibe giver and show her the door in a loving way.
Leslie in KC
Les and DB from KC(Les is a member of UC and Ostomy forum also)
DB diagnosed 11-01-07
psa high for several years from 4 to 10, but last one before surgery was 8.6
Gleason 3+3
Da Vinci on 12-14-07

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 5/19/2009 4:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Bob - it's okay that you're back peddling now to defend your MIL. That just shows what a great guy you are! I just want to say that until I had 2 major surgeries and extremely painful recoveries, I had no idea well meaning friends and family react in ways that interfere in a patient's recovery. Similar to weddings and funerals, a medical crisis just seems to either bring out the best or worst in a person. For many people they think they know what's best for the patient. They know something that you don't. A new approach, a new food, a new med, whatever it is - they feel compelled to tell you are you doing it all wrong.

After having gone thru all I did 10 years ago, I'd like to think I was this understanding prior to cancer but truthfully I cringe, I hope I was but I really don't believe I was.

Now, when I hear someone is recovering from surgery, a loss, a traumatic event, I simply ask:

What do ~you~ need right now?

And then I listen.

But it took facing cancer, being in the worst pain of my entire life (over labor and delivery!), to become this way.

What I am saying is your MIL probably doesn't have a personal experience to draw upon. She hasn't been in your shoes. When I encounter people like this, I distance myself. If I were in your shoes, I'd fake it, I'd announce I'm so much better and then I'd - send her home. ASAP.
Marsky/Mary's story.....
- Diagnosed with rectal cancer, April 1999 - Stage I, no treatment necessary
(5 hour colon resection: 90% sigmoid removed, 15 inches of colon removed, gall bladder removed, given temporary colostomy)
- Colostomy reversal, June 1999
- Left with IBS/D symptoms, multiple bm's every day
- On a low residue diet at least 75% of the time
- Takes Colace 50 mg each evening

All in all I do okay, I just use the bathroom A LOT! But I survived and beat cancer!

Post Edited (Marsky) : 5/19/2009 5:27:04 AM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 624
   Posted 5/21/2009 10:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen 47 yrs
1997: Diagnosed IBS
2003: Pelvic floor repair surgery (rectocele/cystocele)
2006: STARR surgery for mucosal prolapse/Obstruction
2006: Diagnosed with slow transit constipation
2007: Sigmoid resection because of partial volvulus resulting in immediate colonic inertia
15 JANUARY 2009: scheduled for T/C
12 FEBRUARY 2009 - Re-scheduled T/C- (postponed as the Professor is away)
Loop Ileostomy - Due for reversal around June 2009

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