that's it, i've had it with these people!!! OT rant

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summerstorm
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Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 4/22/2010 10:41 PM (GMT -6)   
So some of you know about my inlaws and how the treat us but its gotten worse.
As you start to read this may seem like none of my business,but as it effects my child and my husband greatly, it def is!
So, my MIL and FIL live about 45 minutes from us and about 35 minutes from SIL, so they would have to drive ten more minutes to see us. But yet they do not do that anymore at all. And when we go see them, they ignore us in favor of SIL and her kids, and just fuss at my kid because of how he plays.

Ok, well we had gotten used to that, but now its gotten even worse!
Right after SIL's first kid was born, she quit work. She was a teacher, so at this time, she had no job, and her husband was working for 10 an hour about 14 hours a week! Now that was dumb,lol. Anyway, after she quit she started hanging out with MIL more and more, until basically MIL was down there all the time, keep in mind this was 10 minutes from me! And i had just had surgery when this started so obviously couldnt drive to see them, and DH worked nights so he couldnt either. Never once did they offer to keep my son so my family could have a break!
So anyway, about 6 or 7 months ago, BIL got a job (finally after about a year and half) driving a truck so he is gone during the week and sometimes the weekend. Now here is where it gets just plain disturbing.
SIL has never slept in the bed alone, up until she got married at like 29 or so she slept in the bed with her Mom, yes thats right they slept in the bed together. Ok, well when BIL started driving a truck, MIL moved in with her! They switch houses, sun-wed they stay at MIL's house, SIL, MIL and oldest sleep in the bed with the youngest next to them, then the rest of the week they stay at SIL's house.
So now, they have completly forgotten about us, we dont exsist at all! My son was supposed to go to spend the night at MIL's house, and he was so excited he packed his own bags and everything, well MIL called and said that the oldest kid had a sore throat my son couldnt come. Ok well, he has his OWN house that he can go to so that my kid can still come. and he has a mom to take care of him! So my husband called and said, our kid is coming, i dont care what happens, he is coming. So they let him, and the oldests stayed there because SIL cant stay by herself, she cant take care of her two kids alone. Ok, i know its not easy, but DH is gone alot on business so i am here alot alone. now, if one of her kids was seriously ill or she was seriously ill then i would have no problem with this, thats fine. But you know, grown people can take care of their own kids, it even got to the point where MIL was staying with them when BIL came home! And MIL and SIL were sleepign in the bed together and BIL was sleeping in the other room!
Ok, well here is where my kid comes in, recently he asked if connor (the oldest) could come over and spend the night, and i said, well SIL doesnt let him go places without her so he cant. Ok she doesnt trust me with her kid, i have an almost 5 year old, hes still alive! other people trust me with their kids, i have lots of kids over here from different families, and i manage just fine all alone.
Well my son said, why wont she let him stay here, and i said, well she loves him and wants to keep him safe, and he says, oh well dont you love me and want to keep me safe. and i said, of course! And he says, well then why do you let me go places and spend the night? (So this is clear, he goes to my parents and my grandmas and my sisters and with a babysitter, not with random people, lol. And all those people love him very much. and he wants to go to these places and i think its good for him to be away from me some, she never lets the kids away from her, at all) Ok, so i said, well i only let you go wtih people that love you and that i know will keep you safe, so he says, so SIL doesnt think we love connor or trust us? So how am i getting out of this one! So i give him a toy and change the subject, lol. A little while later he says, why does connor get to spend the night with MIL so much? and i said, well because he and SIL stay wtih MIL when BIL is gone, to help take care of them. So then he says, well why doesnt nana (my mom) stay with us when daddy is gone, doesnt she want to take care of us? Ok, so i cant say of course, but im capable of this on my own and SIL is nuts, lol. So again, i change the subject.
So a few weeks ago at Easter we went to this easter party wtih them, and they totally ignored my son, all BIL and FIL did was fuss at him for getting near connor, so i finally just had him come sit niext to me and tell him to just not go over there, that it wasnt his fault but that they were just gonna fuss at him, so he did.
Well Monday, he saw a toy that i had bought for connors bday, and he says can he play with it and i said, well thats for connor and i dont know if they will set it up (its ablow up toy) and its for connors house. he says, well can connor come live with us? And i said, well he has his own house. And he says, well i dont like those people he lives with (meaning his grandparents and aunt) and i said, dont you know who they are and he said, yes but i dont like them they treat me different. Ok so that just breaks my heart and he says it in this really sad voice. So i just tell him well alot of people love you and rattle off this huge list of names of people who care about him. DH didnt hear this. Tuesday night he says, Daddy, why doesnt MIL like me? And DH says, she likes you, and he says, No she fusses at me everytime i play with connor, and before DH can answer my son says, She treats me different and im just not gonna like her anymore since she doesnt like me.
So DH is very hurt by this and wont talk about it, i try to tell him im sorry and he just tells me its not my fault and doesnt want to talk about it. But after we got home DH talked to him about it, but i wasnt out here and am not sure exactly what was said.
So this morning, my son asks me again why MIL doesnt like him, and why she treats him different, and i said, well its her loss that she doesnt know you that well because you are wonderful and all these people love you, then i said, lets not say anything to daddy about this casue i think it really hurts his feelings, and he says, ok ill just ask MIL then! And i just said, well lets not do that either,because it wont make a difference it will just make things hard on DH. because all MIL will do is say, well you know where we live and you can come here and blah blah blah.
And we ask them to do stuff, we invite them places, we invited them to the beach with us, it would have only cost them 150.00 for 5 days, but they said they couldnt afford it. THEN they informed us that they were going to the beach, we were coming home on Monday, they were leaving on tuesday. They had to pay of course the whole amount they could afford it now, they just didnt want to go with us. although even if they had they wouldnt have done anything with us, we went wtih them another time and we saw them like twice the whole time.
I invited them to go to chuckee cheese and they went but they wouldnt let connor go with me, even though he wanted to, and they just stayed away from us and wouldnt do anything with my son.
Ok so i also feel really bad for SIL's two kids, because its not actually about them, its all abotu SIL and MIL they dont even want the kids around i dont think i think they just get in the way. FIL is staying by himself half the week, MIL wouldnt even come up to check on the sick dog today.
And the kids never get to do anything wtihout SIL, she doesnt let them go anywhere, and they absolutley love me and my son, i have no idea why but they just think i am awesome, lol.
And i was dealing with it and just kind of putting it back until my son told me, almost in tears that he knew they didnt treat him the same and that he didnt like them!
I mean, how do i even handle that? DH and i are at a loss! We just keep telling our son that he is awesome and great and its not his fault. And we dont want MIL and them to do anything with us because DH makes them, we want them to want to see our son,because even though he is only five he is extremely smart (not being a braggy mom the kid can multiply) so he picks up on everything, but isnt emotionally mature enough to understand it!
Now, personally i could care less if i ever see them, but if its hurting my husband and most of all my child, then its my problem and i need to figure out something to do!!!
Ok long rant over, sorry!
UC for 8 years, before finally kicking its butt and having a permanent ileostomy April 17 2007! 
-I have gone to find myself, if i get back before i return, keep me here-


flchurchlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2765
   Posted 4/23/2010 5:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh, Leah, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with more drama from your in-laws! (((BIG HUG))) This kind of behavior is so frustrating and unnecessary. You can can get away from mean co-workers, neighbors, and 'friends', but it's really difficult to get away from mean family members! (however, it can be done, if necessary)

If you choose to continue to try to have a good relationship with your hubby's mom and sister, you're going to have to forgive them and give the whole situation over to God. I think one of the most difficult things to do as a believer is to love and forgive mean people and pray for those who hurt you. But, when you pray for someone who has hurt you, it melts away your anger and turns your pain into compassion for them, because hurting people hurt people. When you stop and think about how much we've been forgiven for, we can extend that grace and mercy onto others and forgive them, too. It's SO much easier said than done, but it's a really good way to diffuse this situation, so you can heal and not stress over this anymore.

Love you bunches,
Cece
Dx'd Crohn's in '99 at age 28. Proctocolectomy and permanent ileostomy in '06.
Disease-free and medicine-free since surgery and very thankful to be healthy again.


summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 4/24/2010 12:14 AM (GMT -6)   
thanks guys for reading through all that, i didnt realize how long it really was!

and thanks for the advice, i just dont know what to do, i just want michael to forget about them so we dont have to keep getting his feelings hurt.
UC for 8 years, before finally kicking its butt and having a permanent ileostomy April 17 2007! 
-I have gone to find myself, if i get back before i return, keep me here-


Equestrian Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3115
   Posted 4/26/2010 7:29 AM (GMT -6)   
I am SO SORRY Michael has to go through that...I CAN understand dysfunctional families.

It's not going to be easy, but you will find the road to take, for Michael's sake. Hang in there!!!!
Crohn’s dx 1989
some terrible years before my
Proctocolectomy in 2008


flchurchlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2765
   Posted 4/27/2010 6:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Any chance Jason can talk to them and let them know how their behavior is hurting Michael?

summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 4/27/2010 9:58 AM (GMT -6)   
ohio-thanks, we just dont know what to do, it just gets worse everytime we see them

Cece, jason has talked to them, and they either say, well you can come see us, which we have but they ignore michael or are mean to him, or they do ok for a few weeks, then they go right back to the way they were. And honestly, i dont want them seeing michael becaues they feel like they HAVE to, they should do it because they want to. And i think michael would pick up on them doing it as a chore, you cant pull anything over on him!
And its sad for his little cousins too, because SIL wont let them have any friends, or go anywhere, she is planning on home schooling, so they will never have any friends, so michael is all they have. They dont care about that either.
I dont think thereis anything we can do. I hope that as michael gets older he will understand they are just mean and that its not his fault. At the cousins bday party evil grandma (MIL's Mom) didnt speak to michael or me once. And the only thing she said to jason was a smart remark.
Thanks for reading guys, its nice to be able to tell people about it, i dont like to tell jason too much cause it hurts his feelings too.
UC for 8 years, before finally kicking its butt and having a permanent ileostomy April 17 2007! 
-I have gone to find myself, if i get back before i return, keep me here-


summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 5/3/2010 10:05 PM (GMT -6)   
well the grandpa that fell down the steps died on friday. So Jasons family has been nice to us cause they need us to do things. I think his mom might have gotten a slight wake up call, when she found out that some of his children and grandchildren wont bother coming to the funeral because theyjust dont care after the way he treated them.
Two of her sisters had already said they wouldnt come to their mothers (evil grandma) and may not bother coming to their fathers.
And while i obviously dont want anyone to die, noone is really very sad, partly because he was very sick and partly because he had alienated everyone so its not like losing a family member to any of them. In fact, in the funeral program, evil grandma put her hmong adopted familly listed before her real family!
He died on friday and MIL found out that so much of hte family wasnt going to come that day, and so she came to michael's ball game that night, im sure this wont last though.
And we havent told michael that he died, and SIL hasnt told her children, because Michael doesnt even know who he is, and her children barely do. So we dont feel any need to tell them.
So thats the newest in the situation.
I just think its so sad when someone dies and their children and grandchildren have been treated so poorly by them that they dont want to go to the funeral. I think the way people behave when someone dies is a HUGE indicator of how they lived their lives. And i think everyone should think of that on a more regular basis, it made me wonder who would care if i died.
UC for 8 years, before finally kicking its butt and having a permanent ileostomy April 17 2007!
-I have gone to find myself, if i get back before i return, keep me here-
No matter what kind of day you are having, take five minutes to sing loudly and dance like a fool!


summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 5/3/2010 10:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Let me add this, which is totally random, but also somethign to think about.
I scanned in some pics for MIL for his funeral and one of them was of her parents when then got married, and grandma was beautiful like movie star beautiful and he was very handsome, and they looked so sweet and serene. But as i went up through the years i began to see her change, just in her face and she grew more unattractive as she started to radiate the disdain she treats everyone with now.
So i wonder, if i would see that if i looked at me?
UC for 8 years, before finally kicking its butt and having a permanent ileostomy April 17 2007!
-I have gone to find myself, if i get back before i return, keep me here-
No matter what kind of day you are having, take five minutes to sing loudly and dance like a fool!


cleo35
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 430
   Posted 5/4/2010 7:48 AM (GMT -6)   
You know when you're dealing with a chronic disease it's best to eliminate the "toxins" from your life - even if they're relatives. Let your husband deal with his family and tell Michael that you and he will be keeping your distance from them because unhappy people make those around them unhappy and you don't want HIM to be unhappy. Once you've divested yourself of interacting with them you need to put them out of your mind as best you can. They don't live right next door so you'll no longer need to continue to fixate on what they're doing or not doing and can get on with your life. If you have any trouble doing any of this think of your son - you're doing it mostly for him - that's much all us mother's need to remember when doing hard things on behalf of our kids! The icing on the cake is that you'll be better off as well!

summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 5/4/2010 10:26 AM (GMT -6)   
i wish it were that easy to do that, but Michael really loves his cousins and wants to see them, and Jason says he would rather have a horrible relationship with his parents than none at all.
I have told Michael to not expect to see them very often and that they are very busy with other things. he doesnt really seem to care most of the time. But they manage to do just enough that michael remembers them.
The way they act, i would rather us never see them again as our decision, but that wont happen, because my husband wont say that to his mother.
UC for 8 years, before finally kicking its butt and having a permanent ileostomy April 17 2007!
-I have gone to find myself, if i get back before i return, keep me here-
No matter what kind of day you are having, take five minutes to sing loudly and dance like a fool!


Allison77
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 421
   Posted 5/4/2010 10:47 AM (GMT -6)   
cleo is totally right summerstorm, as hard as it is, you need to remove yourself from the situation. I could write a novel about the craziness that are my marriage family but I have chosen to just remove myself from any situation that might mean I have to see them. Oh, Christmas is coming? Let's book my surgery for that time, So and so's birthday is coming up? I have a game that night. I have really just pre-booked myself for times that I think/know I might be required to make an appearance. If they aren't polite enough to me and mine, im going to be rude enough to them.

-Allie
RX Crohn's 1999, over 30 surgeries, 3 strokes, permanent colostomy and rectum removal.
 
"The most unfortunate thing that happens to a person who fears failure is that he limits himself by becoming afraid to try anything new."


cleo35
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 430
   Posted 5/4/2010 10:58 AM (GMT -6)   
"and Jason says he would rather have a horrible relationship with his parents than none at all" - wow, I have no comeback for Jason's insistance on a crappy relationship with his parent's at the expense of his wife's and son's happiness and good health. Anyone? Wait, yes I do ... let Jason have whatever relationship he wants with his parents - it just need not include you and and Michael. I think if Michael realized that these people are making his mother physically ill he might see the benefit of cultivating some new friends to take the place of his cousins. Honestly, I'm always amazed at the crap people will put up with even while dealing with this insidious disease. 30+ years with both crohns and my husband and all I can say is - not me.

summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 5/4/2010 4:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Its not making me ill, im not sure why you thought that.

Michael is 4, and while he is incredibly smart, im not sure he would get the idea of making new friends for someone elses benefit. And part of the problem with that also, is that with this situation, my nephews are suffering also. They don't have anyone at all but michael, as their mother wont let them socialize.
If michael is given the choice to go see the inlaws and the kids arent involved he wont go, he says no. he is already at the point where he doesnt care that much about his grandparents, just his cousins.
Allie-the reason i at times, attempt to make an effort, is because I want to be the better person. I am not going to be the one at fault here, neither in my husbands nor my childs eyes. I will have done my part in this relationship so that when my son gets older and asks questions i will not have to lie to him about it.
Its just really a no win situation, they are just missing out on so much not seeing my pretty little baby! yes, im biased, lol.
thanks for reading guys!
UC for 8 years, before finally kicking its butt and having a permanent ileostomy April 17 2007!
-I have gone to find myself, if i get back before i return, keep me here-
No matter what kind of day you are having, take five minutes to sing loudly and dance like a fool!


Allison77
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 421
   Posted 5/4/2010 8:47 PM (GMT -6)   
summer, your amazing. *hugs*

-Allie
RX Crohn's 1999, over 30 surgeries, 3 strokes, permanent colostomy and rectum removal.
 
"The most unfortunate thing that happens to a person who fears failure is that he limits himself by becoming afraid to try anything new."


summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 5/4/2010 9:26 PM (GMT -6)   
hardly, but thank you!
UC for 8 years, before finally kicking its butt and having a permanent ileostomy April 17 2007!
-I have gone to find myself, if i get back before i return, keep me here-
No matter what kind of day you are having, take five minutes to sing loudly and dance like a fool!


cleo35
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 430
   Posted 5/5/2010 11:52 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm not one for a lot of unnecessary drama in my life. Thank goodness my siblings aren't either. We don't spend any time criticizing each others parenting, marriages, etc. and my parents have never tried to pit one faction against another. Summer I re-read your post and was exhausted by the time I got done. You must be getting something out it to put up with these people. It's not clear to me what that is but apparently you've made the decision it's worth it so I wish you good luck.
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