dating advise, help...

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akchic
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/2/2010 6:36 PM (GMT -6)   
ok so I have had a perm colostomy for 2 yrs now. shortly after i got the colostomy my then husband rejected me said he never wanted to see it etc etc. needless to say we r divorced and I pretty much vowed off men and came to the conclusion I would be single the rest of my life... until 5 weeks ago when I met this man that is head over heels for me and I him... we have been on 6 of the most passionate wonderful dates I have ever could have imagined... we are both in agreement that we want to take things slow because we have both been in dead end relationships that started out pretty quickly so we want to do something different in hopes that it'll last. we see eachother as someone we could spend lots of time together in the future. I keep telling him I have to tell him something about myself that has to do with medical and he says when I am ready he will listen not to feel like I need to tell him if I am not ready... I am so afraid to tell him in fear of more rejection. i really like spending time with him and if I tell him am afraid it will end, if I dont tell him I am afraid when I do it will then end and my emotions will really be caught up.. I am so afraid... we r going on an overnight camping trip in 2 weeks and i am sure I can hide it since we have both agreed to take things slow but am still really nervous.. I really dont even know how to date have been out of the dating scene for years i am still trying to figure out if I can call him or not. is a girl supposed to call the guy or not? lOL... please help me untie this big web I have weaved.. thank you...

RobinByrd
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 511
   Posted 5/3/2010 12:24 AM (GMT -6)   

First off...congrats on finding a new love interest!  : )  Very exciting!!!!

Secondly, it does sound like you are both in a good place in the relationship and you are starting to move onto another level emotionally.  I would see this being the best time to talk about your medical history and what it has led up to.  I fully understand your fear of being rejected considering that is what your history tells you will happen.  However, it seems that fate has given you a shot at experiencing what possibly could be a very accepting, loving, and nurturing relationship. 

If you have a difficult time bringing up the subject of your medical history you could always start by asking him if he has ever been ill, had surgeries, hospitalizations, etc.  You can then start at the beginning of your experiences, and work way up to the surgery and the positives you've experienced since being healthy.

Good luck to you!!

smurf
: )  Robin
 
29 year old Mommy of an amazing 2 year old and Wife for 3 years!
Dx-May 2007 Moderate/Severe Pancolitis - failed all medications
Proctocolectomy w/ permanent ileostomy on 02/06/09!!!
 
"Your mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open."  -Unknown


Equestrian Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3115
   Posted 5/3/2010 5:59 AM (GMT -6)   
akchic~welcome to the forum!

RobinByrd has some great suggestions :-) Our ostomies are a GREAT detectors of true 'friends'!!!

Love alway finds us when we least expect it. You are doing the right thing and enjoy your camping trip smilewinkgrin
Crohn’s dx 1989
some terrible years before my
Proctocolectomy in 2008


snugglesaurus
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 206
   Posted 5/3/2010 11:49 AM (GMT -6)   
I talked to my ex boyfriend who we are still on good terms with each other (he moved for his residency and we broke up). Since he's a doctor I asked what he would have done if we had met and I had an ostomy. He said his concern would be about long term things (such as having kids and how my overall health would be).

For me - I haven't had the surgery and I'm in pain on a daily basis. I went on a few dates with someone a few months ago and I realized he wasn't someone who I could confide in. I think that what makes your situation a lot better. He seems compassionate :)

If he runs the other direction you certainly don't need to be with him.

I've had other medical problems/childhood events that I have always waited awhile to disclose. It definitely wasn't easy, but once they understood it made a lot of my relationships stronger.

Girls can call guys in this day in age. Let us know how it turns out. Good luck!

honestwoman50
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 833
   Posted 5/3/2010 4:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, well I do not have a appliance but did have the total colectomy in Feb 19 of this year and they re-connected me.  I too have the same concerns as you.  I have had countless surgeries and have plenty of scars and the latest surgery has me cut from below the breast bone to the pubic area, and it is a ugly looking scar and mess as the skin hangs as I have lost over a hundred lbs since I have been sick.
 
So I just got asked out for a date and he is a policeman.....so cuff me and lock me up cuz I need a vacation...LOL  So since we have not met my mind always goes further, and I need to just be concerned with meeting him first and just have to go from there.  I have it in my head that no man could ever want this hot mess under these clothes...he he  turn    I have not dated since 1997 and figured that I would never date again.  I am so use to being by myself and dealing with illness that I hope I know how to act. 
 
So I guess you being further along in your relationship, I can feel your fear but I am sure that a man who loves you for you will be accepting of your situation.  So best of luck girl and I hope that I dont back out of my date....
 
Leslie
Leslie King
 
  1984 Tubligation  1992 Diagnosed with Thyroid tumor    
1993 Gallbladder Removed  1997 Hysterectomy  1998 Carpol Tunnel 
 1999 Spinal Cord Surgery for a Anacroid Syst
2001 Lower Lumbar Fusion L4-5  
2003 Sigmoid Colon Resection
 2006 Right Knee Replacement 2005 Breast Reduction
 2008 RE-did the Lower Lumbar Fusion/ lamanoctomy
2010 DX: colonic Inertia/ Pelvic Floor Disorder
2010 Total Colectomy ABD W/O proctectomy; w/Ileosto
 
  


Allison77
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 421
   Posted 5/3/2010 5:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the forum!!
I just do not understand how people are losing friends or are afraid to date due to their ostomies. I have a wonderful husband who pushed me to have the surgery so he "could have his wife back" and I am always telling EVERYONE about Oscar, even whipping up my shirt in the middle of the grocery store! I haven't lost any friends, I have actually gained MORE by the sheer curiosity of having Oscar. Everyone ask's and wants to know about him.
I could see how dating might be a little nerve racking, but I had this guy hitting on me last week-end, and when I said "I have a colostomy, doesn't that bother you?" his answer...."should it?" And when I said "Im married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" His response..."so?" Grrr. LOL. Oscar has made me feel sexier and do things I never would have in the past. Your building up the fact that you have an ostomy so much in your mind that you think everyone feels the way your ex (dirt bag IMO) does about one. Your in a great relationship, strengthen it by coming clean. Secrets make lonely bed partners.
 
-Allie
RX Crohn's 1999, over 30 surgeries, 3 strokes, permanent colostomy and rectum removal.
 
"The most unfortunate thing that happens to a person who fears failure is that he limits himself by becoming afraid to try anything new."


flchurchlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2765
   Posted 5/3/2010 9:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome and congratulations on your new relationship! wink It sounds like you two are falling in love, so I don't think you don't have a thing to worry about. You'll know when the time is right to share your story with him.

I've told lots of people about my ostomy over the years and have never been rejected. Sorry to say this, but your ex's reaction was immature, self-centered, and definitely not normal. You deserve to be loved just the way you are.

Please keep us posted on how things go, and have a blast camping! :-)

Cecilia
Dx'd Crohn's in '99 at age 28. Proctocolectomy and permanent ileostomy in '06.
Disease-free and medicine-free since surgery and very thankful to be healthy again.


honestwoman50
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 833
   Posted 5/3/2010 9:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Allie  I love you sense of humor...  I dont have a Oscar, but I have faith that everything will be just fine, and if they don't like me because of my scars...I dont care, then they are shallow...
 
Leslie
Leslie King
 
  1984 Tubligation  1992 Diagnosed with Thyroid tumor    
1993 Gallbladder Removed  1997 Hysterectomy  1998 Carpol Tunnel 
 1999 Spinal Cord Surgery for a Anacroid Syst
2001 Lower Lumbar Fusion L4-5  
2003 Sigmoid Colon Resection
 2006 Right Knee Replacement 2005 Breast Reduction
 2008 RE-did the Lower Lumbar Fusion/ lamanoctomy
2010 DX: colonic Inertia/ Pelvic Floor Disorder
2010 Total Colectomy ABD W/O proctectomy; w/Ileosto
 
  


cleo35
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 430
   Posted 5/4/2010 9:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Allison: I think you and I were in a completely different place when this came up for us. With marriage there's a certain expectation that we won't be rejected - your husband and mine stepped up to the plate like men, like we would have if it had been them. Some don't have it in them. I can see the reluctance bringging it up in a dating situation but I think six months is more than enough to test the waters. And if he balks better you know it now than later in my opinion.

Allison77
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 421
   Posted 5/4/2010 10:38 AM (GMT -6)   
cleo- your absolutely right, we were gifted with amazing husbands, and I agree as well that 6 months into a relationship you SHOULD be telling your partner. However, if the roles were reversed and I was dating someone with an ostomy, i'd be hurt and upset if I wasn't told going into the relationship. Were's the trust? Were's the CHOICE to figure out if this was something I'd want to be getting into? I'd feel duped if I wasn't told immediately about something that could possibly be a deal breaker. I thank my maker every single day for the wonderful man I was given and don't want to think what being back in the dating world would be like *shudder* Again though, i'm upfront with Oscar to everyone and I think something as important as a relationship deserves total truth and honesty.
Leslie - thank you! I love showing and telling people about Oscar because people are always just amazed when I tell them. I am on a personal mission to explain to everyone I can about ostomy's and what they are REALLY all about. In my 32 years life has taken many interesting twists and turns and this is just another.

-Allie
RX Crohn's 1999, over 30 surgeries, 3 strokes, permanent colostomy and rectum removal.
 
"The most unfortunate thing that happens to a person who fears failure is that he limits himself by becoming afraid to try anything new."


cleo35
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 430
   Posted 5/4/2010 11:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Allison: I didn't mean that a person SHOULD wait six months; just that that's where they are in the relationship and it's time to tell. Personally, I would have done it on the third date so as not to waste my time or his but that just me.

Brannah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 5/4/2010 12:12 PM (GMT -6)   
I met my guy online just over a year ago. We chatted online for about 3 weeks before I decided we should meet in person. At this point I never mentioned the ostomy. A few days before we were scheduled to meet we were chatting and I told him that I had Crohns and surgery and he was fine with it . I felt that he did not understand what the surgery was. I told him to check his email .. I had emailed him info about ileostomies and explained that this is what my surgery was and in that same email I gave him the option to run if he wanted to. He emailed me back saying that he wasn't running. We've been seeing each other now for a year and 1 month. Everything is great. I still mention the ostomy once in awhile and he says he doesn't even think about it. I tell him I think about it all the time.
Good luck to you akchic I'm hoping everything works out great for you too.

summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 5/4/2010 4:16 PM (GMT -6)   
They have been together for 5 weeks, and on 6 dates, thats what it said up there. must have forgotten the third date rule, or he would already know :D

Its really hard for me to tell people, because im kind of shy about stuff like that. I never wanted anyone to know i had UC either.
So i would have a hard time telling anyone, not because i am embarassed, just cause i am shy about medical stuff. And more than anything, i dont like it when people feel sorry for me! and that just gets on my nerves to no end

But anyway, if ya'll are going camping together, regardless of whether you are going to be in seperate tents, you are probably gonna be using the bathroom outside and all that great stuff, and taking a bag with your supplies, so he is probably gonna see something that way!
I guess it would be best to go ahead and tell him, and if he freaks and acts like a jerk you wont have wasted anymore time on him!
good luck!
UC for 8 years, before finally kicking its butt and having a permanent ileostomy April 17 2007!
-I have gone to find myself, if i get back before i return, keep me here-
No matter what kind of day you are having, take five minutes to sing loudly and dance like a fool!


flchurchlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2765
   Posted 5/4/2010 8:16 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm blessed with a supportive hubby, too, and the ostomy doesn't faze him in the least. He thinks I'm the sexiest woman alive, which is so sweet... smilewinkgrin I wish that for everybody!
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