Marisa, I am so sorry your having a hard time. You just have to walk through the pain to get past it, its just something you have to do. Then when your tired of letting this man, stop you from moving forward...don't let him win. You need to replace the bad memories with all the good memories, I know that it takes time because I have been their.
What it comes down to really is a choice...Do I want someone else to control my every emotion, my life, with really a loss of time of being in the present and enjoying your life. And celebrating your brothers life and not the death. Having that horriffic memory of your brother like that will just drive you crazy. Please dont let that man take one more life...Meaning yours...don't give him the satisfaction. If you need to talk I am here for you...
Next month is my sons 28th birthday, and he has been gone 10 years, gosh how the years at first never seemed to end and now they fly by way too fast.
On November 7th, I will go to the cross where he was killed and release alot of balloons with messages of love to him and put flowers, and just talk about all the happy times, I break out all the pic's I have of him being so silly and it just makes me feel great . Even though he was killed at 18 years....I remember all the fun we had, and what a wonderful son he was so loving and careing and he just loved life and he really lived it, and had tons of friends...so I hope this helps in some tiny way.
Love ya Lots