Hi again, I'm glad to hear from you! I can so relate, plz know you are not alone. My surgery was elective and initially had anastamosis of the ileum-rectum. I was thrilled that surgery was a success and I didn't need an ileostomy! But, it was shortlived and disconnected caused a blood clot, blood infection, was in ICU and was told I might not make it. Coming home alone, couldn't walk, 105lbs (was 140), as you w/open incision wound, ileostomy, I was devistated. I couldn't sleep, my appliance broke every 4 hours, it was torcher. But, I pushed to get stronger. Had to, I have 2 small children that need me and I needed them more than ever. 2 weeks later, I broke down and mourned. I cried for hours a day, day & night for weeks. Didn't help that 2 months prior to surgery, my dad died, I was his caregiver, we lived together, and dispite my disease took care of him. He was hospitalized for 3 months, numerous issues, until his death. I recall when I was discharged & came home, how unfar it was, when my father was alive he always came home from being hospitalized, he was never alone because of me, but now I was. What lesson was this? Why? Maybe I should've asked for help, Xanax or support group. To be honest, I was in a support group years ago, family members of addicts. I felt it was too much of a pitty party, didn't feel uplifted or help me find solutions to move forward. I attended the meetings after I separated from my husband. We've been 6 years divorced.
4 months post op, I found this website. I too, would read and cry. Sometimes I didn't want to go on at all because it was so emotional for me. But this site had definately helped. It's 10 months now, I'm much better. But, I still let it consume me more than I should. I'm unemployed (lost my job due to my diverticulitis) and have all day while my kids in school to let my mind wonder. So, I've joined the gym, I go bikeriding now that the weather has changed, and try to get my mind busy. Read books, sit in the library, volunteer at the kids school & at church, something because if I stay home, I think and cry. Personally, I've let go friends that either weren't there for me in the hospital or when I came home. Friends I had for years that made excuses and ignored me, I wish them the best but to hell with them. I'm expecting to return for surgery soon and I'm somewhat OK with it now. I've taken the time to get me back and lead a good healthy life before feeling weak and struggling again. Told 1 friend couple of months ago my angst regarding my flashbacks and my going in again. She flat out said 'you need to f/?/?/?g get over it'. I hung up on her and that's that.
It will make a world of difference for you emotionally that you don't have this appliance problem. Everyones advise is right on and get samples from everywhere, try. It will provide you confidence as you will be able to leave the house and feel normal again. Again, keep your mind busy, set small goals for yourself, get rid of the negativity, and you will be on a healing path.
Wishing you all the best!! Christine