Have to agree with the others here, her response is not OK, after dealing w/surgery you should not have to deal with this. She can talk to her friends or a therapist or whomever or look at this list etc. if she thinks it's gross, but she shouldn't be saying it to you when it clearly bothers you so much and you are at a time when you need a lot of support. Did she see you when you were sick? Are you a lot better now? Is she grateful for that?
Do you have other people in your life who help you feel good about yourself in light of the surgery? Some therapy can be a good idea too, as others have mentioned -- it's a huge change.
Are you getting some of the benefits of surgery yet? Can you do more things, eat more foods, go more places etc? Is she included in those things? Can you focus a bit more on that?
I am fortunate that my partner has been great. When I was having insecurity, particularly around intimacy, she reminded me of how much our intimacy had been affected by my illness -- the bag is so trivial compared to being exhausted, having to run to the bathroom, having painful skin issues, being on prednisone, etc.
I am also wondering how old you are. I think it can be so much harder for younger people dealing with illness/surgery because most younger people are healthy. By the time you get to my age, most people have seen peers die of illnesses, have various kinds of disfiguring surgery, go through chemo, etc. Just offers some perspective that might be hard for you and your wife if the rest of your peers aren't dealing with serious illness, major surgery, etc.
Hope you can get through this, hope you can accept yourself, no matter what others think. Sorry it's so hard...
48 years old, female.
2004 dx indeterminate colitis. Back and forth between Crohn's and UC dx. Many drugs, minimal success.
2010-11 Crazy skin and eye complications, high fevers, bad flaring. Out of good drug options, tired of scary drugs.
Feb 2011 -- proctocolectomy with permanent ileolostomy; abscess, blood clot. Still healing, still glad for the surgery