Thank you all; these replies have been very helpful!
Sorry I disappeared for a few days, by the way - I started getting cold feet again >_<. Every time the subject crossed my mind, it would instantly block it out, in true ostrich-burying-head-in-sand fashion. I had to make myself return to thinking about
it. I'm glad I did, as I don't feel as panicked now.
One poster (RiddleMeThis) hit the spot about
me wanting emergency surgency because it took the decision out of my hands. I felt I couldn't handle the responsibility for such a decision and that I would be beating myself up if things went wrong afterwards. To be honest, a certain amount of self-reproach in such a situation would probably be normal, but I'm worried I would take it to extremes. My confidence in myself is at zero and I get into anxiety-ridden states where I feel like I am being 'punished' or that I somehow caused my disease to worsen. It tends to happen most often when I am fatigued and/or running a fever, both of which lower my resistance to guilt and depression.
But I did have a moment of clarity a day or two ago. I'm trying to recapture it >_>. It was basically that if I didn't mind having an ileostomy if it was forced upon me through circumstances beyond my control, then in effect I was saying that I didn't mind having an ileostomy full stop - and if that was the case, what was so wrong with me choosing it?
To be honest, I still have some work to do in making my own free choice. It's hard to drop the thought of surgery as a 'had to have', as the last poster put it, even knowing
that emergency surgery is a lot riskier than elective surgery. But I'm getting there. My own 'gut' feeling is that I'll eventually end up having the surgery: I'm just not quite ready to make the decision. It hopefully will be easier after I've spoken to my consultant and the stoma nurse next week.
I will make a pro/con list (hadn't thought of that).
Oh yeah, and to killcolitis: you mentioned some alternative therapies. I think I will mention them to my consultant (anti-MAP, LDN, dunno about
stem cell treatment; no idea what it involves...) I'm not optimistic about
his positive reaction to them, however. But if he did
agree to let me try a non-conventional treatment, well then, I'd have to stop and think about
it. I've become very pessimistic about
the prospect of any
treatment working; it's become a dim and distant prospect, much like winning the lottery. I hate being so pessimistic, I'm afraid, but it would involve brain rewiring of a dauntingly tall order to change that.
At any rate, depending on what options my consultant offers, I will have to decide whether I want to carry on with medical treatment or opt for surgery.
Finally... Thanks to those who reassured me about
food and eating. Appreciated! :p
Edit: Sorry to make a long post even longer! But EquestrianMum mentioned a temp. ileostomy. Originally I thought temp ileostomies were only for those who were going on to have an internal pouch, but as far as I can make out that's not the case, so I will ask about
it. (I've been having to learn a whole new lingo on the trot, but I now know what an 'ileorectal anastomosis' is and the difference between a subtotal colectomy and a panprotocolectomy :p)
Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 3/26/2012 5:32:11 PM (GMT-6)