NCOT, once the rectum is removed completely as in the proctocolectomies that UCwhat?, summerstorm, and blueglass have had, there is "NO CHOICE" as you put it. They can never have a j-pouch because the rectal cuff has been removed -- they would be completely incontinent with a j-pouch so a surgeon would never build one.
HealingWell happens to be much more active for UC patients than Crohn's patients. I don't really know why. There are other communities around the internet that are much more active for Crohn's, and there are also the forums on ostomy.org which is overwhelmingly permanent ostomates (and not even that many IBD -- seems to be mostly cancer and accidental bowel perfs there... now THOSE are people who did not have a choice!). There are a few UC patients on HW who have permanent ostomies and did not have the option of a j-pouch (Another UC Wife's husband, if I recall, was told he could not have a j-pouch), but they haven't checked in here yet. Not to mention permanent ostomates who do have UC, and did have a pouch, but ended up with a permanent ileostomy because of pouch failure (ddd45 comes to mind). There are also a lot of Crohn's patients who post here who have permanent ostomies -- I can name some off the top of my head: CrohnieCJ, Larasmom, etc.
But, you know, all of these explanations don't really matter because (pardon the caps but I'm borrowing your tone here) YOU NEED THERAPY. Hearing about
other people who were in your situation isn't going to bring you relief, because right now you see yourself as a victim and you can't escape that mindset. You are (virtually) shouting it: "NO CHOICE" -- that means victim. That's something most people go through when they're diagnosed but I'm not surprised you're feeling it again as a new ostomate. When something like this happens it robs us of our sense of agency. Freud would say it's especially traumatic because we not only do we lose control of so many aspects of life, but you've literally lost control of your excretion, one of the first things we learn to control as children (our own bowels). Whether you buy into that or not (I think I don't... many do), you need help learning to see yourself as someone who is *not a victim* so that you can find happiness again. And you will, I guarantee it. But I also guarantee that posting on and reading HW is making you miserable. We want to hear how you are doing, but you need professional help, not a thread full of strangers on the internet (who, despite good intentions, seem only capable of making you feel worse).
dx'ed UC pancolitis 5/12
past meds: asacol hd, VSL#3, apriso, rowasa, xifaxan, 6mp, cortifoam, pentasa, cimzia, canasa, butyrate, flagyl, cipro, prednisone, remicade, methotrexate, cholestyramine, cortenema
current meds: butyrate
step one: colectomy, end ileo 1/16/13
step two: j-pouch construction, loop ileo 5/1/13