And I was so obviously depressed, she ended up telling me to email her and gave me a hug! (Something she'd never done before) :-/
The nurse was trying to find out which bag I had liked the best, and just thinking about
it stressed me out. I realise I am absolutely no good at dealing with this: I literally hate thinking about
it. I hate any discussion of ostomy supplies; it all does my head in, I don't care about
it. I wish I didn't have the stoma at all, I wish I could have a reversal tomorrow. But since I'm stuck with a stoma, then I wish all the sodding bags worked the same. It does my head in, just thinking about
ostomy supplies and trying to find the "perfect" set-up. I literally have no interest in any of it, I hate it all.
A year on, I don't like having a stoma any more than I did at the beginning. I just don't. I would dearly love to be rid of this thing. That is how I feel and if it hasn't changed after a year, I can't see it ever changing. Having a stoma is just a massive inconvenience to me all round.
I think my stoma nurse truly wants to help, but I think my problem is, at bottom, I don't like the stoma and I don't accept my operation. I feel guilty for choosing it, and I can't overcome that guilt: I just feel terribly, terribly guilty for choosing it and not trying a few more things first, which I *could* have done. My brain tortures me with the wrong choices I have made in my life every single day, and nothing makes me feel any better. Absolutely nothing. It wasn't fair I was even given this choice. Nobody should have to make that decision; they just shouldn't. Crohn's has utterly ruined my life, even more than it was ruined before I ever got Crohn's I mean. And I know nobody here cares, and I know nobody can do anything, I don't care. I regret absolutely everything and I'm tortured with my regrets every single day, and it feels almost like I am being punished by "something" for my mere existence, although that doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. I susppose I am trying to make sense out of a senseleless existence, where there isn't any sense to be found.
Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 3/7/2014 7:59:43 AM (GMT-7)