hi everyone and thanks to all of you for your fast response. i'll try to make this short. i don't understand why myself and our kids, grandchildren don't seem to be enough to make rob want to fight. He belongs to a Search and Rescue group here and has been head trainer and very involved for 15 yrs. He amongst others teach the public how to survive if lost and how to help find those who get lost. This past weekend they taught from Fri. evening to Sun. morn. with an overnight outing. He taught Fri. evening didn't get home until 10:00p.m., was up at 5:30 a.m. next morn. and didn't get home until 7:00 p.m that night. Rob takes this course extremely seriously. The group that was taught was nothing but trouble, negativity, and a great source of stress., nothing like the people who normally sign up. He was stressed on Sat. from early a.m. until Sun. noon when it was over. My daughter also helps with this and noticed that as soon as the stress started his pain level increased greatly. He took a lot of his 2mg. morphine throughout the day and by evening didn't feel well enough to drive home. Thank goodness for other members who watch over him. Someone drove him. Sun. I took him to get the truck. We had a fight and when I asked why taking care of himself and trying harder to stay alive to be with me wasn't top priority, he said that his priority is to help others. Fought more. Told him that i quit, i'll put all info. he needs to know in order to survive longer in his lap, if he wants to die than it's time i accept that and quit fighting, if he doesn't care why should i keep trying. He's not even trying to do what he needs to. He uses his lack of testosterone as an excuse for not fighting harder. I feel like i am dealing with a child at times. i fight with him to take his supplements, if i don't make his meals he either skips them or doesn't eat right. I feel my emotions shutting down to nothing or just anger. I look at him and think what right does he have to do this to us. I know he is tired of being in pain and taking pills, but he needs to reach deep inside himself, pull up his socks, and try. I can't stay and watch him slowly die knowing that i'm not enough to make him get a grip on himself and try. It sure doesn't say much for me or our kids and grandchildren. I can't believe that he's doing this. I've ordered Dr. Myers book although I'm starting to wonder why i bothered. Rob was a military man, very proud and used to being in charge and i know how hard it must be to feel like you have no control. After this last round of radiation he told me how much he is embarrassed and feels humiliated when the women who do the radiation have to reach so low to mark him and tape him before the treatment. He feels that he has no privacy of his own body anymore and this really bothers him. He doesn't do any inner visualization techniques, exercise, relaxation techniques, nothing. I've begged, cried, fought, used guilt, just about
everything i know how. I feel more like his nurse than anything else. don't remember the last time we cuddled or reached out to each other. it's just depressing. right now i am so angry, that i'm just holding in so i don't blow up and say things i probably shouldn't say. How do you sit and watch your husband like this just complacently waiting. I never thought he would be like this. i by no means am minimizing what he or other men are going through with this disease so if i sound this way i don't mean to. Just don't know what to do now. i am so scared and i sure miss my old husband. i walk through this house when he is sleeping and realize how alone i am. Weid but i still need hope despite all i've just said. I'm tired and am so!!! close to giving up. is there any other woman in my shoes. not looking for sympathy just any ideas that might work. anyway, i hope everyone is doing good and your partners are doing well. thanks lifeline
Myman: i fixed my e-mail address so there should be no problem getting through. thanks.