Mark,
You bring up some really valid points about
your feelings. It is a perfect example of how easy it is to "know" something (like I had cancer, I am now cancer free) and "feel" something. Your feelings are very valid and must be felt and allowed to flow in order to go on. I am reminded of hearing platitudes by well-meaning people who heard that I had PCa and the feeling of anger that swept over me when they assured me I had nothing to worry about
. Being told that you should just be happy that you don't have cancer anymore can feel as if your feelings of grief, anger, betrayal and envy are not what they should be. We each have our own healing journey - physical as well as emotional. The grieving process can be helped by places like this board, but even here, well-intentioned people can tell you what you should be thinking or feeling. Whatever you are feeling is ok. The grief process is different for us all. Because you are still in a dating situation in life, none of us old married guys can even pretend to know what you are going through in that arena. I can only imagine that all of the normal processes of getting to know someone are even more terrifying and emasculating when compounded with the after affects of this surgery. you have come to a good place. Vent, rage, cry, it's all ok.
I am a HUGE fan of professional help with all these feelings. It is not for kooks or nuts. Personally, I think the vast majority of people need therapy. We live in such a segmented society that the disconnection can be huge. If I could encourage you to seek out a therapist to help sort through this process, I think you will be glad you did. I have often thought that the first thing a Doctor should give you when told you have cancer is a therapist's phone number. So many people and couples are overwhelmed with this event that talking to someone would really help. I started seeing a guy almost two years ago. I was one of those guys who thought losers needed therapy. How wrong I was! I am so much healthier and grounded in every way now. There are no heroics in going through any of this alone. I have been grateful so many times that I had help in dealing with all the crap that comes up in dealing with all this.
OK, enough of my soapbox! This is a great place full of great people to help you. Welcome
Paul
47 at Diagnosis.
Father died of Pca 4/07 at 86.
1/06 PSA 3.15
1/07 PSA 4.6 (Biopsy 3/07 just suspicious)
10/07 PSA 5.06 (Biopsy 11/07 1 of 12 with 8% involvment) (1mm)
Da Vinci surgery Jan 5, '08 at Mt. Sinai Hosp. NYC www.roboticoncology.com
Saved both nerve bundles.
Path Report: Stage T2cNxMx
-Gleason (3+3)6
-totally contained to prostate,
-10% involvement in L & R Mid lobes