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Posted 2/27/2008 12:14 PM (GMT -8)
Hi all! I just need an outlet right now and figured this is the best forum. My dad starts IMRT on Monday. I have been so positive and after a wonderful visit home this past week, I don't know why I am so nervous. Maybe because my visit with my parents was so wonderful. My dad looks amazing and I think for the first time in months, I have began thinking about his cancer. I think I have blocked it out of my mind for the past couple of months because that is what we all needed. He is doing well and continues to work out and look great. He is entering his third month on Lupron and is tolerating it as well as can be expected. So...why the anxiety!?!? I couldn't sleep again last night, which was happening right after the pathology report came back and lasted for months.
I think I read too much online, and while I know that each person is unique and that there are no right answers, I just hope so much that this radiation will get rid of any remaining cancer for good. Call me naive or just plain hopeful...maybe even crazy at times. I try and convince myself that since only one node came back positive and his PSA was .05 post surgery, that maybe there is only a little cancer left near the one positive margin and it can be eliminated with the radiation. I just have so many thoughts racing through my mind....what if the radiation doesn't work...what if the HT doesn't work? I guess I am just scared. I want to bad for my dad to be cured, which I don't know if it is even possible, but I will be praying a lot of the next weeks and appreciate any advice and prayers.

Doting
Posted 2/27/2008 1:13 PM (GMT -8)

Hi Doting,

So glad you were able to express your feelings today as this is all so hard for us to see and understand as those supporting the men we love. Fortunately every single person here will understand and relate to your anxiety and fear as we too have been there (I continue to "Go there" with each PSA looming now, even though my husband was reassurred that his treatment would result in a cure, and all is very well so far at 11 months post Sx).  It is what we all hope and pray for. You will be OK, and will continue to be a major source of strength for your dad I'm sure.

Posting here for advice, and prayer is the way I managed this chilling fear too, and like you, I read ( and continued to read) far too much.... It does make it worse at some times,  as others pointed out to me at the time,  as we then may start anticipating things that may not happen at all. So I suggest, for your strength now, limit the reading about the radiation for the moment, and focus your healing prayers on your dad, and we will focus our healing prayers with you, and for you, in our own ways. Many people advised me that they too had taken a break from reading at certain times. Instead, our collective spirit will help now I hope.  I pray that you will find the peace you need and that your beloved dad will come through with a great recovery as so many others do. As TC_LasVegas reminds us all,  "stay positive" with long, deep breaths. Deep breathing is a really wonderful thing at times!  Good luck next week and keep in touch. Take care. God bless.  Lana

Posted 2/27/2008 3:36 PM (GMT -8)
Thanks Lana! My dad is Australian (I don't know if I told you that), so it means a lot getting your message. I take note of all the little signs :) I really appreciate all your advice and support! Many thanks!

Chayna
Posted 2/27/2008 3:45 PM (GMT -8)

Chayna,

My dear friend, all of us here will pray for you as you have prayed for us. Everything is going to be fine and your father will handle the radiation fine. You are a wonderful daughter who loves and cares so much for him.

I wish that there was one thing that I could say that would relieve these thoughts from your mind. I can only say that trust and faith will bring you through. We all get a little jumpy when testing and treatment time comes around. I had mine today and will not know the results for two more days, so I'm jumpy, too. I know that you will be fine.

You are in our prayers, my friend.

Love and War Eagle,

Walt 

Posted 2/27/2008 4:46 PM (GMT -8)

Dear Chayna, most of us tolerate IMRT quite well.  He will experience some fatigue toward the end of treatment, but that will go away in a few weeks. 

I have always been a person who wanted to control everything and worried about stuff whether I had any control, or not.  My cancer has taught me not to worry about that which I have no control over.  I think I learned to do it simply to make my life happier and easier.  I hope you can get to a similar place.

Best to you and dad,

Bill

Posted 2/27/2008 5:06 PM (GMT -8)
Hi Chayna,
Stay Positive! Where have you heard that before? RT was a breeze for me. And it will be for him too. He is physically very active and will do quite well. You just love your dad enough to care and worry, but I can tell you that this will be easier than HT. I remember talking to him and letting him know that he would do well. HT for me is a bit of a nuisance, and I could do without it, but I still don't regret any of the treatments. I hope he has adapted well to it.

You can vent here anytime. That's why we are here.

God Bless, and many prayers that he does well with all treatments.

Tony
Posted 2/27/2008 10:52 PM (GMT -8)

You guys really are the best!  Thanks to each of you for being so amazing and saying the things I need to hear.  Tony- Did I miss the promotion announcement?  Forum moderator!? Congrats..much deserved. 

Walt-You ALWAYS bring a smile to my face.  You have a way about you.  Thank you. 

God bless you all...

C

Posted 2/27/2008 11:30 PM (GMT -8)
Chayna,
It's more like assistant to the staff.  I am a member who helps and can be like a yes man or a fall guy...:-)  I just wanted to help out.  Bluebird and Idaho do so much for us all here.  Still do.  But if I can help I feel OK about it.  After all, this place helped me so much.  You are so right about Mr. Walter.  He is an uplifting spirit that will always be with us.  A great friend indeed. 

PS, I think that also applies to you too.  Tell Dad I said Hi, too!

Tony

Posted 2/28/2008 11:20 PM (GMT -8)
Hi Chayna,

On behalf of all Aussies reading this board, tell your dad we are ALL behind him!! In spirit here, the prayers of Australia for your dad are coming for his good recovery starting first thing Monday! and continuing...

Guess what - another one of those little "sign" things... if you are anywhere in the US this would mean more..... however, last week I found myself in the middle of Sydney, Australia looking at a Map and then, realizing I was next to a road called "John Hopkins drive".. It just so happens that now I will be passing "John Hopkins Drive" for the next 6 or so years on at least a monthy basis!! Prior to learning about Pca I didn't even knew who the man (JH) was, yet now I just thought that was rather amazing last week!! And I thought of all my healing well friends in the US. Thinking of you too wherever you are and ... keep your sunny side up... cheers, Lana
Posted 2/29/2008 3:30 AM (GMT -8)
Hi Chayna.

I think there is a very good chance that cancer is locally confined and that radiation will get it all. Anyway, I will pray towards that end. Since your dad's metrics and mine are similar (and we are doing radiation about the same time) let's both of us be positive on this. Better than being negative I figure.

Oh yes..I too do too much reading sometime for my own good. But in the end there is very little that I can control regarding this cancer. The only thing I really can control is my attitude and response.
Posted 2/29/2008 7:38 AM (GMT -8)
Hey Chayna,

I just started my IMRT this week and I'm still trying to grasp the thought that "I am having radiation". It's weird just to think about it but I know it's what needs to be done and I'm doing it for me but mostly for my wife and kid's. The anxiety is totally normal and I'm sure your dad will be okay because the treatment it self is a breeze, well except for the tattoo marker - that hurt like hell. Only for a minute though. Good Luck and I'll be thinking about you and your Dad.
Posted 3/1/2008 9:20 AM (GMT -8)
Thanks to all of you to posted!  I can't tell you how much it means!  Lana- Thanks for your post.  My dad will be happy to hear the support from Down Under.  Very interesting about your "sign".  Sometimes God works in mysterious ways and other times I have to laugh about how obvious He can be :) 

Mozart & KD- It's hard to believe you both are starting your treatment so close to my dad.  Thank you for your kind words and positivity.  While I wish neither of you were in the present situation, it is nice to have your support and hopefully you will both breeze through the treatment and get rid of this cancer for good.  In a year....we will celebrate the milestone :) Cheers to getting through this together!

Posted 3/1/2008 2:48 PM (GMT -8)
Hi Chayna,

I hope your dad is doing well this weekend - Monday will come soon enough. It's good this is an option for him - so many here have been through this and tolerated it well. Your dad is surrounded by a loving family and that is immensely helpful but of course, He is the one going through this so he probably is feeling some anxiety. Completely normal and once he goes through the procedure at least he'll know what's going on.

I'm hoping your dad does well with his treatments and can imagine those cancer cells being killed off!

All the best,
Susan
Posted 3/2/2008 9:17 AM (GMT -8)
Thoughts and prayers today and always Doting :>)

Swim
Posted 3/2/2008 3:04 PM (GMT -8)
Thanks Swim and Susan! We really need it. On top of tomorrow being a big day, one of my parent's dogs got hit and killed by a car last night sad  .  When it rains it pours. 
Posted 3/2/2008 6:12 PM (GMT -8)
Dang Chayna, that is very sad.
We love our pets here at our house like another family member. Very sorry to hear that.

Again give your dad my best this week.

Tony
Posted 3/3/2008 10:56 AM (GMT -8)

Thanks Tony.  We are big animal people too.  I will pass on the message to my dad.  On a random note...do you know how the nanograms work for people in my dads situation and similar to yours where there isn't technically a recurrence prior to undergoing adjuvant therapy?  I'm not sure if I should even bother looking at the graph.  His last PSA was .05 and that was prior to starting HT....so I don't know if that is considered a recurrence or undetectable.  I would have to believe that if the one lymph node hadn't come back positive they wouldn't even be doing additional treatment at this time.  He had only one focally positive margin and the lymph node that was positive was a pin drop size. It's so frustrating that after so many years there are still no answers. To be honest I don't even believe the graphs anyways....my dad had a 10% chance of having lymph node involvement based on the charts prior to surgery.  Pretty good odds in Vegas...not so much in Seattle. It just appears that the studies lump all the "lymph node positive" patients into one study and it is not representative of my dad's situation.  I guess we just hope and pray. 

Posted 3/3/2008 11:30 AM (GMT -8)

Chayna I was a bit different but not by much. I too went to undetectable by surgery alone but my recurrance factor in the nomagrams indicated a 90% return rate by year 7. Sloan Kettering just added a nomagram for post RP surgery adding radiation but it too is vague and does not reflect those who have surgery get the stage III diagnosis but do not have relapse yet and are being treated adjuvantly. Wow big sentance. But there is not any nomagrams I have found when doing what we are doing. I do believe that we are on the right track to seek No Recurrance as opposed to waiting for recurrance before adding salvage treatments. That stated when I lied to the Sloan Kettering and added a doubling rate at 6 months it said my 7 year recurrance rate was down to 51%. A definite improvement over doing nothing after surgery. I believe we are off protocol now by treating a zero PSA (which is how your dad is classified, undetectale is considered <0.1), but if we are successful and we don't have any recurrance than we will see more and more trying to prevent relapse as opposed to waiting for relapse. I am all for it. So my suggestion? Don't take too much heart is odds in those dang nomagrams. Let's make new ones together. tongue

PS: Considering the huge margins of error in these nomagrams, I doubt any casino would take any odds in them.  In fact next time you are in the area look around at those impressive buildings.  None of those casinos gamble at all.  When they set odds they are measuring their profit margins not gambling risk.  I look at the nomagrams like I look at the weather man.  There is a 40% chance of raing today still means it just might.  I used to live in Seattle for about a year back in 1981.  So even this is a bad analogy.  When you ask is it going to rain today in Seattle, you should be asking "What time will it rain, Today".  LOL


Tony


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