Mixed Emotions

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Ken S
Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 120
   Posted 7/10/2008 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
The thoughts of this post has been rattling around in my head the past couple of days and I wasn't quite sure how to express it. Tuesday I saw my Uro and he told me the good news 0.02, down from 0.04 in April. I was convinced that my PSA was ticking up. Relief and elation.

But it lasted only a short time because my thoughts went to Les and Walt and Dutchy's husband and all the other guys who have not received such good news lately. I felt a twinge of guilt and thought life isn't fair sometimes, but then realized that life is neither fair nor unfair, life is indifferent and doesn't play favorites, it just happens.

We're organic beings and every single person alive has something wrong with them. In an odd way we're lucky to know what's wrong with us and it's being treated. Many people have time bombs ticking inside them and don't have a clue.

So my thoughts and well wishes go out to the guys on the front lines who are still fighting the enemy, you're all heroes and you give us strength.
Age 54 (2006)
PSA: 2005 - 3.2, 2006 - 3.7
Biopsy 8/06, Gleason 6 (3+3), T1c
Radical Retropubic Prostatectomy 11/3/06
Memorial Hospital, Pawtucket, RI
Post-Op Biopsy, still Gleason 6 (3+3),
T2c, right apical margin positive
CT Scan 1/07, tumor discovered on right
kidney (unrelated to PCa)
Partial Nephrectomy 3/9/07
R.I. Hospital, Providence, RI
IMRT (37 Treatments) 4/23/07 - 6/14/07
PSA: 11/07 - less then 0.01
4/08 - 0.04

James C.
Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 4462
   Posted 7/10/2008 9:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Ken, you've expressed my thoughts about my relatively standard recovery.  I can't help but feel a little guilty when I read of some others less than good results.  Thank you for that..   I just returned from my 9 mt. PSA blood test draw and will find out the results next Thursday, as coincidence would have it..

James C.
Co-Moderator- Prostate Cancer Forum

Age 61
4/19/07 PSA 7.6, referred to Urologist, recheck 6.7
7/11/07 Biopsy- 16 core samples, size of gland around 76 cc. Staging pT2c
7/17/07 Path report: 3 of 16 PCa, 5% involved, left lobe , GS 3/3:6.
9/24/07 (open) Retropubic Radical Prostatectomy performed
9/26/07 Post-op Path Report: GS 3+3=6 Staging pT2c, 110gms, margins clear
10/15/07 ED- begin 50mg Viagra and Vacurect pump nightly, Fully continent
1/14/08 Caverject started/stopped, aching. 2/24/08 .5ml Bimix started-success
7/4/08 ED- Viagra, pump continues, no response- Trimix .10ml x 2 weekly continues
Post Surgery PSA's:  3 mts-0, 6 mts.-0

Doting Daughter
Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1064
   Posted 7/10/2008 9:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Congrats on your PSA! You deserve it! Everyone deserves it and you are absolutely right about it being unfair that so many amazing men do not get the same good news. However, the good news gives us hope and we are so happy to hear yours!!
Father's Age 62 (now 63)
Original Gleason 3+4=7, Post-Op Gleason- 4+3=7,
DaVinci Surgery Aug 31, 2007
Focally Positive Right Margin, One positive node. T3a N1 M0.
Bone Scan/CT Negative (Sept. 10, 2007)
Oct. 17 PSA 0.07
Nov. 13 PSA 0.05
Casodex adm. Nov 07, Lupron beg. Dec 03, 2007 2 yrs
Radiation March 03-April 22, 2008- 8 weeks 5x a week
July 3, 08 PSA .02
Praying for a cured dad.

Co-Moderator Prostate Cancer Forum

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 528
   Posted 7/10/2008 6:14 PM (GMT -6)   

I'm glad you came to your senses!! There's absolutely no reason to feel guilty. Besides, though my cancer is worse, I'm still as rebarbative, ornery and curmudgeonly (is that even a word?) (how 'bout them apples, myman Susan?) as I was - no change.

I'm about to start chemo shortly and am in the process of trying to decide on conventional Tx or a clinical trial my doc in Houston is leading. It's also being done in a hospital about 70 miles from where I live, so logistics doesn't appear to be a problem.

I'll tell you what is a problem - there's another Les hangin' around here. I was led to believe they wouldn't allow another with the same name, so I'd be unique. Just joking, of course, hi Les and good luck in your decision making. None of these decisions are easy to make - just do your homework and "due diligence".

-The First Les
1/2005 Dx PSA 26.5 Gleason 7 (4+3) @Age 61
1/2005 Start Casodex and Zoladex
PSA drops to <0.01
7/2005-8/2005 5 weeks of IMRT and then HDR brachy
1/2007 Rad Oncologist orders CT scan of pelvis
because of complaints of pain in both thighs
MRI confirms pain not caused by cancer BUT
1/2007 CT scan of pelvis picks up a nodule at bottom of left lung
5/2007 CT scan of lungs shows 1/2007 nodule has grown and
there are numerous nodules on both lungs.
6/2007 Thoracic surgeon removes wedge of left lung for biopsy
6/2007 Path report says 95% chance of metastatic PCa, but she's
never seen cells like this before.
8/2007 2nd opinion at M.D. Anderson in Houston.
They confirm: mutated PCa, very rare, but seen there 2 or
3 times. Recommendation: have CT scans every 6 weeks
and watch for change. At that point start chemo and will
survive for 22 - 24 months thereafter.
PSA still undetectable, but get Lupron shot to bring T down from 27
2/2008 Trip to Houston – PSA now 0.5 and nodules larger. Lupron shot.
6/2008 Trip to Houston - Finally got results from doc. A number of lung nodules have grown, but, more important to him, is the fact that the malignant lesion on my pelvis seems to have flared up and he wants me to start chemo. He said I could wait a few months, but I told him I want to start now. He to get me signed up for a clinical trial in nearby NY.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 338
   Posted 7/10/2008 7:03 PM (GMT -6)   

Ken & All

I just came from our standard Thursday nite dinner together here at the UF Proton Institute (Jacksonville).  I am not sure what my emotions are anymore.  I am delighted that my test are coming back good and I am well into my treatment with only 10 left. Tonight most everyone was laughing and joking about all the things to do and the atmosphere was like a vacation or cruise.  A lot of Proton patients refer to their treatment as a Proton vacation.  You would never have known that anyone in our group had cancer if you did not know any of them.  That is where my emotions seem to come into play.  It was all I could do to keep from saying how dang lucky we are as my mind continually goes to guys like Walt, Les (Gordy), Tony, Dave, Dale, Biker and many I know I am leaving out here.  The tears are hard to hold back sometimes.  So life is whatever it is.  I always had a saying that life was choices and we had to live with the choices we made.  Well, how the heck can I say that when it comes to this disease that inflicts us all here.

darn this diease and the Hormone therapy.

I love all you guys and ladies here. 

Even if I am a lucky one and becomes cured I will never again be the same as before.  I know the feelings of fear, frustration, and yes even joy but I can't seem to forget all of those who battle against cancer, whether it be prostate and some other form. 

To me the feelings that may be related to Hormone therapy are a small price to pay for success.   I pray that God does not allow me to ever again sit on the side lines and do nothing but to do whatever little thing I can do to make life a little better for those who dwell in this battle arena. 

Richard aka smilingoldcoot

Retired USAF Richard & Debbie on The Shores of Toledo Bend Lake Louisiana
Biospy 1/10/08 Gleason 10, Stage T1C  8 of 12 samples positive all Less Than 5% 
Jan & Feb & Mar all tests clear
MD Anderson = No surgery and No Proton only Hormone and IMRT
Contacted with Loma Linda and UFPTI in FL
Started Treatment at the U of Florida Proton Therapy Institute in April 2008
May 2, 2008 LUPRON & Casodex
IMRT to started  5/27/2008 Will get 42 treatments 25 IMRT and then 17 Proton
Turn Stumbling Blocks into Steping Stones and Keep Smiling
Our Journey is on WWW.GLEASON10.COM

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 376
   Posted 7/10/2008 7:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Ken S

I could have not said it better myself but don't feel guilty, seeing great results as you just recieved gives us all hope that one day we might all be able to join the undetectable group again. You are correct I could still not know that I have Pca but at least I do know and have taken steps to keep going for many many years. Enjoy the day and live it up!

Age 49, PSA 6.22 on 9-26-06
Biopsy 11-01-06, 2 of 13 cores 10% cancer, 2 other cores abnormal Up-dated 20% prostate cancerous
Gleason score 3+3=6 After Surgery Pathology report 4+3=7 a couple agressive Grade 5 cells found
Da Vinci surgery 01-09-07 UW Madison
Pathology Report- cancer 100 % capsual contained 1-18-07
1st & 2nd Post PSA Blood Test .1 and less - Undetectable
3nd Post PSA Blood Test 01-17-07 .3
March 27th PSA .4 Begin Salvage Radiation April, 14 2008
Incontenence-Pad free since end of May 07 4 1/2 months post surgery 
ED back to 95% prior to surgery - no medication required.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 75
   Posted 7/10/2008 8:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Be happy and grateful for every ZERO PSA. We're happy for you, and we will definitely celebrate every undetectable PSA while it lasts. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty. Nobody has control over his/her life so you deal with whatever curve balls are thrown at you. Good news shall be celebrated, and bad news, well, you cry, figure out your next move and get on with life. Dutchy
Dutchy's husband
Diagnosis: 7/6: PSA 1,946, multiple bone metastases in thoracic, lumbar spine, pelvis, bilateral ribs and proximal left tibia, 2 weeks Casodex (50 mg)

Treatment: 3 monthly Lupron injection (22.5 mg) + Zometa (4 mg IV). Added daily Casodex (50 mg) in September 2007.

25/06: PSA 407
20/08: PSA 3,7
29/09: PSA 0.7
14/10: PSA 0.17
18/12: PSA < 0.003
15/03: PSA <0.003
15/05: PSA <0.003

May 2008: diagnosed with advanced colon cancer

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 823
   Posted 7/11/2008 6:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Ken S.

It is not unusual to have those quilty feelings. I have them too from time to time.

age at dx 54 now 56
psa at dx 4.3
got the bad news 1/29/07
open surgery Duke Medical Center 5-29-07
never more than 2 pads
Tossed the pads this spring
ED still a problem
first year PSA less than zero

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1464
   Posted 7/11/2008 7:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Ken,

We all deal with whatever life throws at us. I am very fortunate in that both prostate cancer and lung cancer were detected in their early stages. I have an excellent chance of out living both.

Early detection through early testing followed by agressive action is the best way to beat cancer, IMHO. That is what I speak for on this forum, the lung cancer forum and anywhere else I can get a podium.

On this forum, the majority of members seem to be stage 1 or 2 and we do grieve for the pain our brothers in higher stages endure. On the lung cancer forums, stage 1 and 2 is a small minority. I think this is because testing is non-existent or at least inconsistent. By the time a person has symptoms of either prostate cancer or lung cancer, it usually is in an advanced stage.

So my friend, relish your good PSAs then spread the word for early testing so more of us can be in earlier stages...

Age 74. Diagnosed 11/03/06. PSA 7.05. Stage T2C Gleason 3+3.
RRP 12/7/06. Nerves and nodes okay.
Catheter out on 12/13/06.  Dry on 12/14/06.
Pathological stage: T2C N0 MX. Gleason 3+4.
50 mg Viagra + 1000 mg L-Arginine + .03 cc Trimix = Excellent Results
PSAs from  1/3/07 - 1/17/08 0.00. 
Next PSA test on 7/17/08
Lung cancer dxed on 5/16/08.  Surgery on 6/25/08  T1N1M0 - Stage IIA
"Patience is essential, attitude is everything."

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1382
   Posted 7/11/2008 8:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the post Ken, and for me a stage 4 cancer fighter it is encouraging to see you guys pumped up and excited about the great news. It truly does inspire me to stay active mentally, spirtually, and emotionally. Life is what we make of it, and I still chose to make something good of mine. Everyone on this forum has their own battles, and honestly I think we are all doing a pretty darn good job lifting each other up.

peace and love
My PSA at diagnosis was 16.3
age 46 (current)
My gleason score from prostate was 4+5=9 and from the lymph nodes was 4+4=8
I had 44 IMRT's
Currently on Lupron
I go to The Cancer Treatment Center of America
Married with two kids
latest PSA 5-27-08 0.11
cancer in 4 of 6 cores

Tony Crispino
Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 8128
   Posted 7/11/2008 8:40 PM (GMT -6)   
This is a good thread.
Biker you nailed it. But I expound on it. Jim you were here when I first arrived. You remember the way I sounded? Do you remember the way I was scared? Every time I see a new member, yet to be even treated, I feel terrible. It brings back those memories. So when I see a guy, like you Ken, have a good report, it relieves me. I see no reason for anyone to feel guilty by bringing good news, and hope, to this forum. I know these men, you mention and I know that they all find solace in the good news. That hope is what I have left. Bring it on.

Age 46 (44 when Dx)
Pre-op PSA was 19.8
Surgery on Feb 16, 2007 @ The City of Hope
Post-Op Pathology: Gleason 4+3=7, positive margins, Stage pT3b (Stage III)
HT began in May, '07 with Lupron and Casodex 50mg
IMRT radiation for 38 Treatments ending August 3, '07
Current PSA (May 9 '08): <0.1
I will continue HT until May '09. 
Years in Remission (3/23/07): 1
Visit my Journey at:
And at:

Tim G
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2336
   Posted 7/11/2008 9:50 PM (GMT -6)   
I get a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I read a piece of bad news here and happiness when someone has good news.  It's almost as if it were happening to me.  If I had not been diagnosed with prostate cancer myself and joined the fellowship of those with this disease, I would not feel these emotions as deeply.
I'm a lucky unlucky man, having been diagnosed at an early stage, surgically removed, and  so far without recurrence.  I did not ask for this disease and did not deserve it any more than anyone who gets cancer does. But I've learned things because of it that I might not have learned otherwise.
I understand the numb, shocked feelings of those who are new to a prostate cancer diagnosis or those who are anxiously waiting biopsy results or who are trying to decide how to get rid of the time bomb that ticks deep in the interior of their bodies.
There are wonderful people at this forum, all touched profoundly by prostate cancer: those new to prostate cancer and those not; early stage and advanced stage; different treatments chosen; men and women.  At bottom we are all human beings doing the best we can to cope with life on life's terms.
I deal with pain and suffering through prayer. I have done so since the Vietnam War, so it is--bad or good--an established habit that I would find impossible to abandon. I pray for strength and hope and love in the midst of everything.  
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