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I am my father's daughter
New Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted Yesterday 7:05 AM (GMT -6)   
I need some advice.  My father is going to Calif. to visit his long time lady friend.  In 12 years that he has never gone this time of year due to work.  He always goes in January.  He wanted  to leave his ticket open ended, no return date. Expedia had to have a return date so we made it for 3 weeks from when he leaves. He also told me last night he has a cd to renew and wants to put my name on it. thoughts are turning negative. I guess no matter how much I plea, his doc won't speak to me without his consent.  I am thinking of going to the office this afternoon.  Thanks.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 1858
   Posted Yesterday 7:36 AM (GMT -6)   
I would forget the doc. There is no way he is going to discuss your father's case without his permission. I would concentrate on getting him to sit with you and read the posts on this forum. Kind of ease him into the concept of sharing. If he has access to a computer leave the Healingwell page open on the screen. Once he begins to see that there are plenty of others like himself, with all stages of the disease, openly discussing how they overcome or cope the problems it presents, he may just begin to open up and share a little. A little feminine sneakiness is called for.
1/05 PSA----2.9 3/06-----3.2 3/07-------4.1 5/07------3.9 All negative DREs
Aged 59 when diagnosed
Biopsy 6/07----4 of 10 cores positive for Adenocarcinoma-------bummer!
Core 1 <5%, core 2----50%, core 3----60%, core 4----50%
Biopsy Pathologist's comment:
Gleason 4+3=7 (80% grade 4) Stage T2c
Neither extracapsular nor perineural invasion is identified
CT scan and Bone scan show no evidence of metastases
Da Vinci RP Aug 10th 2007
Post-op pathology:
Positive for perineural invasion and 1 small focal extension
Negative at surgical margins, negative node and negative vesicle involvement
Some 4+4=8 identified ........upgraded to Gleason 8
PSA Oct 07 <0.1 undetectable
PSA Jan 08 <0.1 undetectable
PSA April 08 <0.001 undetectable
PSA August 08 <.001 undetectable

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle I no longer despair for the human race.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 966
   Posted Yesterday 7:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Fathers Daughter...I hesitated somewhat to say anything...but you don't have the complete picture of your fathers level of cancer yet and that is causing you way more problems. As far as the other things...leaving to visit a close friend, taking care of financial business is something that he wants to do right now and I would encourage him if that is what he wants to do. Your father maybe voiding involving you as he doesn't want to have any pressure put on him to make any sort of decisions regarding treatment just yet. The best thing in my opinion is to offer your support in whatever decisions he wants to make, but at the same time tell him how important it is for you to have the complete picture of what is going on with him. Men like to keep their health issues private for the most part...I know I am that way, but it makes it very hard on others if I don't share. Let him know that you love him and are truly concerned for his health and his decisions in life with his disease.

Best of luck and hoping for the best for you two.
Age 58 at Diagnosis
Oct 2006 - PSA 2.6 - DRE Normal
May 2008 - PSA 4.6 - DRE Normal / TRUS normal-Gland 38 cc
July 2008 - Biopsy 4 of 12 Positive 5 - 30% Involved Bilateral (Perineural Invasion present at base)
Gleason (3+3) 6  Stage T1C
Robotic Surgery scheduled Sept 18, 2008

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 13
   Posted Yesterday 7:55 AM (GMT -6)   
While I agree with the others, that men like to keep there health issues private, it is important that you let him know that you love him and are concerned for his health. A lot of it has to do with not having you worry about them. However, that being said, the patient needs another person in the room, when the doctor is explaining all the options. There are articles about bringing someone with you so you do not miss anything that the doctor is saying. You just have to keep on trying to have your father understand - I like the feminine sneakness idea and make sure he knows that it will always be his decision Mrs D

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 981
   Posted Yesterday 10:45 AM (GMT -6)   
If he wants to keep his medical condition to himself you should respect his wishes. It's his life and his choice. For those who advocate so called feminine sneakiness let me remind you the father is the victim here not the daughter. Maybe he will open up when he's ready to maybe he won't. It's his choice. Not all men are as willing to share their fears, feelings etc about cancer. You can see that here with all the absent men with PCa who don't post here but whose wives do. Also and I'll get more hell about this some men rather share with a son or another man about his PCa than a daughter or a woman whose husband has it. In that case the feminine sneakiness about leaving this forum on the computer may produce the opposite reaction some here think it may. Leave this man alone to make his own decisions about sharing. For all we know maybe confiding in his daughter and her reaction to it may be the last thing he wants. We really don't know him or her or their relationship. The fact that she planned to see his doctor knowingly without his consent may attest to that. Let the poor guy enjoy his trip he seems to have some kind of plan he's going by.
Diagnosed 10/08/07
Age: 58
3 of 12 @5%
Psa: 2.3
Size: 34g
3D Mapping Saturation Biopsy
1 of 45 @2%
28g after taking Avodart
Catheter for 1 day
Good Candidate for TFT
(Targeted Focal Therapy)
Cryosurgery(Ice Balls)
Clinical Research Study
TFT performed at University of Colorado
Medical Center at Denver Fitzsimmons Campus
Catheter for 4 days
Slight soreness for 2 weeks but afterward
life returns as normal
Psa: .32 

I am my father's daughter
New Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted Yesterday 12:11 PM (GMT -6)   

I appreciate everyones "thoughts".  My father does not do computers very well.  Leaving the forum up for him to see by chance didn't seem "sneaky".  I can think of alot of other actions that I would consider such.  As for "running" off to the doc's.  I respect my father's wishes  and know him very well.  I am the only child and we have a very close relationship.  I had no intention to gain " "personal information." My intention was to let the doc know that he has support when he is needs it. 

This is all new to me (writing on a forum) and that is why I am sharing my thoughts. Maybe this is not the place to best support my father.  I only wanted to learn more about his condition and such. And also to understand what emotional toll it may or may not be taking.  We did joke about the price of his meds and I am meeting with SHIIP to enroll him in Medicare D.  A nice weekend to all.


Tony Crispino
Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 8128
   Posted Yesterday 3:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Again,
It is good that your father is at least talking and joking about these things. Perhaps you can see through helping him with his insurance what he is taking beyond the Casodex. You can always come here if you have questions. I personally believe that this is a disease that affects all in the love circle. If a father or husband has it, so too, does a wife, the children, the grandchildren, etc. have the mental challenges that cancer is. I am so glad that I had my caring, loving family and wife around me trying to do things to help. Even at times I didn't want their help I have fully grown to accept that if they feel like helping then I don't stop them. I firnly believe that what a person feels in the first few months of daignosis, isn't what they feel long term. I am nearly two years into this, and my thoughts are not same as they were when I first heard I had advanced disease. But it's my family that keeps me close to reality and that's a good thing. Especially now that I am over a year into hormone therapy which has delivered the most side effects of any treatment I have taken. There will be times your father is depressed while on that treatment, and it may have already begun. At least by looking at his recent actions, he might be over-reacting. But the fact is that he will long outlive that CD. Your father might need the break, so an early trip might be good, and then after he might be more interested in opening up. Stay the course. And stay positive!

Age 46 (44 when Dx)
Pre-op PSA was 19.8
Surgery on Feb 16, 2007 @ The City of Hope
Post-Op Pathology: Gleason 4+3=7, positive margins, Stage pT3b (Stage III)
HT began in May, '07 with Lupron and Casodex 50mg
IMRT radiation for 38 Treatments ending August 3, '07
Current PSA (May 9 '08): <0.1
I will continue HT until May '09. 
Years in Remission (3/23/07): 1
Visit my Journey at:
And at:

James C.
Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 4462
   Posted Yesterday 4:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, daughter.... I understand your concern for your father and wish there were something we could do to bring him around.  You will get a wide range of opinion here, as we are all different, from all over the world, and with different backgrounds and situations.  Lots of times, one or more may not be having a good day.  BUT----I think you won't find the level of support, care, love, concern and compassion at any other site.  I may be wrong, and I may be prejudiced, but this is as good as it comes, and this Forum IS what you and your father needs.  Maybe you more than him right now, since you are the one who is asking for support.  He may come around later, then again he may not.  As people have said, men are strange creatures and aren't well-read by the female side- some would say we are an altogether different species- if judged by how we think and act.... tongue So be patient with Dad, and be patient with us, we do want to help where we can..........Stick around, continue sharing and asking for help.  You may get several variations of 'help', but you will get something usable.... smilewinkgrin
James C.
Co-Moderator- Prostate Cancer Forum

Age 61
4/19/07 PSA 7.6, referred to Urologist, recheck 6.7
7/11/07 Biopsy- 16 core samples, size of gland around 76 cc. Staging pT2c
7/17/07 Path report: 3 of 16 PCa, 5% involved, left lobe , GS 3/3:6.
9/24/07 (open) Retropubic Radical Prostatectomy performed
9/26/07 Post-op Path Report: GS 3+3=6 Staging pT2c, 110gms, margins clear
10/15/07 ED- begin 50mg Viagra and Vacurect pump nightly, Fully continent
1/14/08 Caverject started/stopped, aching. 2/24/08 .5ml Bimix started-success
7/31/08 ED- Viagra, pump continues, no response- Trimix .10ml x 2 weekly continues
Post Surgery PSA's:  3 mts-0, 6 mts.-0, 9 mts.-0.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1010
   Posted Yesterday 8:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi FD,

My that man is stubborn. I recognize that trait as it is a familiar one. Sometimes an appeal to logic works on the male of the species. Let him know that his illness effects more than just him and that it would help you to know more about it. (Emphasis on him helping you) Let him know that you will need to know what to expect in order to assist him better should the need arise. (Emphasis on assisting not taking over) Also let him know that sharing a load makes it easier to bear at times. (Return of the concern and compassion that he has shown for you) Above all let him know that you are not asking to take over but only to share the hardship as much as possible. (Let's him know that you are there for him) It sounds like he already knows this but might be good to put it in so many words.

If he is going to visit a lady friend and you have a good relationship with her see if you can get her to get him to include you in the process. I am not suggesting you get her to rat him out but maybe to suggest that you need to know. I have a lady friend myself that I have told more about my situation than I have told my family including my daughter. She probably knows more about how I feel than anyone else. She has been with me at several of the doctor visits including the diagnosis and prognosis meeting. I have not discussed the negative side of my situation with my daughter. Just can't seem to do it and don't want to worry her, so I keep it on the positive side.

FD, I hope that you can eventually get through to your father that it is in his best interest to have you involved and that it ultimately helps you both.

Take care,
Diagnosed 04/10/08
Age 58
PSA 21.5 (first and only test resulted from follow up visit to emergency room for kidney stone. first time for kidney stone too)
Gleason 4 + 3
DRE palpable tumor on left side
100% of 12 cores positive for PCa range 35% to 85%
Bone scan clear
Chest x ray clear
CT scan shows potential lymph node involvement in pelvic region
Started Casodex on May 2 and stopped on June 1, 2008
Lupron injection on May 15 and every four months for next two years
Started IMRT/IGRT on July 10, 2008. 45 treatments scheduled
First 25 to be full pelvic for a total dose of 45 Gray to lymph nodes.
Last 20 to prostate only. Total dose to prostate 81 Gray.

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