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mrs. c
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 8/30/2008 4:39 AM (GMT -6)   
My hubby had rp performed a few days ago and I find that I am sinking fast into some serious form of depression.  I am normally a person who stays in control but this is really bothering me.  This will sound really selfish or stupid but I feel such overwhelming grief about the loss of the sexual aspect of our relationship.  My hubby is 56 and I am 43.  I did not see this one coming at all.  I am wondering if there are some type of support group or something out there for wives who are dealing with this awful disease.
 
My hubby has no idea what I am going through.  I think the biggest part of it is that over the 25 years we've been together we have always been able to work through anything because we had each other and all of that is threatened right now.  For me, one of the main ways I dealt with situations was to let hubby deal with the actual situation and then I would just fall into those big protective arms and all the problems of the world seemed to go away and of course this would end in love making.  Now I am just lost!  I have done nothing but cry and wollow in the lowest form of self pity and depression I have ever faced (and we have been through some stuff!), but this has rocked the very foundation of our existance. 
 
Can someone please point me in the right direction to get this turned around so that I find some help to heal myself so that I can be there for him through his healing process.  I don't like how things are right now.  Like I said he has no idea how I am feeling.  I cry alone.  I try to lay next to him and just start to cry and feel so overwhelming sad that I make up some excuse and get up.  I don't have the heart to let him know that I really having a hard time dealing with all of this.
 
My hubby needs me now more than ever and I have got to get a grip on the situation.  I love him so dearly.  He has been my knight in shining armour and the love of my life for a quarter century (most of my life) and now he needs me more than ever and the last thing I want to do is let him know that I am suffering like this because I know him his reaction will be to run save wifey and fix what is wrong with her.  But right now he needs to concentrate on first of all healing himself and I need to help him with that.  We have never kept secrets from each other before and I fear this thing that I am keeping to myself will possibly become a big rift in our relationship leading us down a really bad road or to say the least a very rocky one.  I need help.  Wives truly have prostate cancer too, we don't deal with it in the same manner i.e. treatments etc., but we do deal with a lot of emotional stuff.  We have been shaken hard and everything seems in jeopardy.  I just want to feel better and love and care for my man.
 
Help!

Navy corpsman
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 8/30/2008 7:43 AM (GMT -6)   

mrs. c -

Everything you are feeling is normal and you are not alone in this journey.  There are a lot of wives, who are very informed and supportive, who post on this site, so ask a lot of questions and stay in touch.

communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship and I believe your husband would want to know what you are feeling and worried about.

A couple does'nt lose a sexual relationship when a man has his prostate removed.  A side effect of surgery, in most cases, is a temporary loss of ability to have an erection.  There are many, many things a loving couple can do to maintain sexual intimacy, just use your imagination.  For me personally it has been fun and exciting to try new and different things.

I hope this information is helpful and not offensive.
 
- John
Age:  44
We have a family history of PCa.  My Dad and uncle died from it at 65 and 53. My PSA velocity increased in the last 2 years and I had to talk my GP into refering me to a urologist.
Biopsy results:  5 of 11 cores positive, all 30%. Gleason 6. T1c. PSA 2.53  Date of biopsy 15MAY08.
Open RRP at Johns Hopkins with Dr. Partin on 09JUL08.
Pathology report:  Gleason 6, pT2, neg. margins, 0 lymph node and seminal vessical, organ confined, I lost 1 nerve bundle and 22 lymph nodes.
As of today, about a month after surgery, I feel at about 80%. Urinary control seems to be improving. Little Elvis has taken a nap and has not awakened yet. I hope when he wakes up he is well rested because he is going to get one heck of a workout.
 
 


GreenAcres
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 474
   Posted 8/30/2008 8:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Mrs C - you're not alone at all - everyone on this forum is tuned in and listening. The whole cancer journey is a rollercoaster - sometimes you fall apart, then you pull it back together. For some, those times may require professional assistance (medication, just talking it out, etc.). There's nothing wrong in that - we all handle these dire situations differently.

You have to take care of you - in order to help you husband heal. You're not selfish or stupid in how you're feeling. The sexual aspect will return, perhaps not as you knew it - but give it time. Each day will get better.
Husband: Age 67
PSA had doubled in 14 mos to 4.3/Gleason 6
da Vinci 8/06 in Austin with Dr. Randy Fagin
Post surgical path shows encapsular penetration; possible bladder neck involvement.
PSAs remain undetectable; no further treatment at this time.
Next PSA: April 08


Tim G
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2332
   Posted 8/30/2008 10:38 AM (GMT -6)   
This is difficult, no doubt about it, Mrs.C.  For starters, you're at a website where there are many wonderful women members who post here and have been thru the same kinds of things you are going thru when their husband, father or loved one has been diagnosed with prostate cancer.   
 
My wife has been thru the wringer with this disease. It has tested our relationship in many ways, but we are getting thru it and learning to love each other even more thru all the trials we have been thru with prostate cancer.
 
It can be so overwhelming, like a tidal wave, but we've found that when we take it one day (or hour or minute) at a time and work thru big issues in smaller chunks, it helps. 
 
We are not alone and have the support and help of others in going thru the prostate cancer journey. Take care and hang in there...Tim
Age 59  PSA quadrupled in 1 yr (0.6 to 2.5) 
DRE neg  1 of 12 biopsies pos (< 5%) 
Open surgery June 2006 
Organ confined pT2a  Gleason 5   
Cancer-free for 2 years  PSA's undetectable 


livinadream
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1382
   Posted 8/30/2008 11:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for writing Mrs C and it makes total sense why you feel the way you feel. You may not think your husband knows how you feel, but I bet he does and he is probably feeling bad for you.
If you would please send me an email so we can talk about this aspect of healing.

peace and love
Dale
My PSA at diagnosis was 16.3
age 46 (current)
My gleason score from prostate was 4+5=9 and from the lymph nodes was 4+4=8
I had 44 IMRT's
Casodex
Currently on Lupron
I go to The Cancer Treatment Center of America
Married with two kids
latest PSA 5-27-08 0.11
PSA July 24th, 2008 is 0.04
cancer in 4 of 6 cores
92%
80%
37%
28%
 


Tony Crispino
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 8128
   Posted 8/30/2008 11:52 AM (GMT -6)   
mrs. c,
My wife is a mrs c, too!.  You can hang here as long as you want and I know you will find the help you need.  I have advanced disease and because of that and the treatment I am unable to perform.  But my Ruthie is my rock.  She is so good to me.  I am certain that your husband will feel the same way.  And he isn't going anywhere.  Sometimes we can't just do things on our own, so we reached out.  If you have to see your doctor and tell him about your concern for depression.  He can present a script for a mild anti-depressant. 
 
We decided to take part in a study that is available to you right now for free.  I highly recommend you contact the study group and see if maybe you might want to take part.   You can click below to see it:
 
 
Also, in addition to being here, there is also another support site that has groups for Wives, religion, or etc.  Here is the link ~ I look forward to seeing you there matbe as well...Click below and take a look at the Wives and Partnets Group...
 
 
Hang in there mrs c...You will get the help you need if you continue to reach out for it...My motto is in my signature below...it's the last couple words of it.  If you would like to talk also ~ My email link is opened.  Click my screen name and send a message.
 
Tony
 
 


Age 46 (44 when Dx)
Pre-op PSA was 19.8
Surgery on Feb 16, 2007 @ The City of Hope
Post-Op Pathology: Gleason 4+3=7, positive margins, Stage pT3b (Stage III)
HT began in May, '07 with Lupron and Casodex 50mg
IMRT radiation for 38 Treatments ending August 3, '07
Current PSA (May 9 '08): <0.1
I will continue HT until May '09. 
Years in Remission (3/23/07): 1
Visit my Journey at:
And at:
 
STAY POSITIVE!
 
 

Post Edited (TC-LasVegas) : 8/30/2008 10:55:13 AM (GMT-6)


divo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 637
   Posted 8/30/2008 1:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Mrs.c,
I am a wife and we have been through this for eight years. I know exactly how you feel.. We had a very loving happy intimate life for thirty years, and neither one of us could believe what happened... .I remember the date of the last time we made love....I also was very depressed and cried almost every night for a month or so...Pete and I did go on antidepressants for six months. I guess it helped a little, but the most important thing for me, was the message forums, and also trying to find out anything I could about helping Pete fight this disease. I learned, as most of us do, who have pca in the family, that it is often ups and downs...The intimacy that you had may be changed and even lapse for awhile...but, no one ever died from lack of sex.
I know you are sad about the change in your life, but you must remain positive and hopeful....As hard as it is, keep telling him that you love him, and that things will get better. You h ave to believe that yourself....and also, try to find things that you can do that are fun... and I would recommend the book ..."The Power of Now" by Eckert Tolle. It has been very helpful to me in learning to be mindful of the moment, and to be aware of my thoughts.... .There is a lesson in everything, and I really feel that though Peter and I would love to never have gone through this, it has been a lesson in life. It has made us both more empathetic toward others, and also more careful of each other's feelings.... Things will get better... Di
Husband Pete
dx Jan 2001 age 67 gleason 4 + 3 PSA 16.5
seed implant and conformal radiation Lupron from Jan 2001 to Jan2002
2005 Dec PSA began to rise from .5 to 8 within 6 months
Salvage surgery at MSK 9/06
Fistula operation 2/07 MSK
Many cystoscopies and ER visits with strictures
catheter for one year....Catheter taken out Sept 07..
Total Incontinence since then....
PSA .52 3/07
AUS Operation at MSK Sept 8. Dr. Sandhu


Swimom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 1732
   Posted 8/30/2008 5:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Mrs. C...if you would like, please shoot me an e-mail.

Swim
 


Piano
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 847
   Posted 8/30/2008 5:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Mrs c, you seem to be jumping to the conclusion that your sex life is gone forever. It isn't!
 
I had non-nerve sparing surgery, and as a result of that have no natural erections at all -- but I live in hope :-) With the aid of injections, my wife of 38 years and I find that sex is every bit as good as before -- in some aspects better, because I last a lot longer.  Of course, if we could wind the clock back we would, but what we have now is a very good second best.
 
Even if the worst happened and your hubby can no longer have erections, there are many alternatives for a happy sex-life. There are new fun things to learn -- for example we discovered the "g-spot" -- something neither of us knew about before.
 
If all else fails, there is a penile implant -- which from all accounts is very effective.
 
The chances good that your hubby will still be able to have erections one way or another, but there will be a learning curve with the new techniques. So I suggest as soon as hubby is able, get involved in gentle sexual activity -- you'll both feel a lot better. We were fooling around before the catheter came out, and first full intercourse was exactly one month after surgery.
 
So it's not the end of everything, just a detour -- enjoy the journey :-)

Age 63. Other than cancer, in good health; BMI 20
Pre-op: No symptoms; PSA 5.7; Gleason 4+5=9; cancer in 4 of 12 cores
7 March 2008, RRP, non nerve sparing
Two nights in hospital; catheter and staples out after 7 days
Continent, no pads needed from the get-go
Post Op: Stage pT2 M- N-; clear margins and lymph nodes; Gleason 4+4=8; prostate weight: 37gm
6-week PSA: 0 


divo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 637
   Posted 8/30/2008 6:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Piano....interesting... dare I ask???? .exactly what is the "g-spot"? Maybe it would be too difficult to describe....in that case,,,just let it go..!! Di
Husband Pete
dx Jan 2001 age 67 gleason 4 + 3 PSA 16.5
seed implant and conformal radiation Lupron from Jan 2001 to Jan2002
2005 Dec PSA began to rise from .5 to 8 within 6 months
Salvage surgery at MSK 9/06
Fistula operation 2/07 MSK
Many cystoscopies and ER visits with strictures
catheter for one year....Catheter taken out Sept 07..
Total Incontinence since then....
PSA .52 3/07
AUS Operation at MSK Sept 8. Dr. Sandhu


jetguy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 741
   Posted 8/30/2008 6:24 PM (GMT -6)   

Dear mrs. c,

If I were your husband and read your post I would know that you well and truly loved me.  I would want to help and protect you.  I would want us to work together to heal and recover and continue to love.  If he's half the guy that you are the gal, I think you should show him your post.  If you think otherwise, it's because you know your situation better than I.  If I read about me, what you said about him, I would be proud to be thought so well of.

Regards,

Bill


August of 2006, PSA up to 4.2 from 2.7 one year ago. 
October free and total PSA 12% free and 5.0 total.
A month, or so later, 4.7.
Late in the year decide on Image Guided IMRT.
Begin 43 treatments on January 23, 2007 and finish on March 23.
 


Piano
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 847
   Posted 8/30/2008 6:40 PM (GMT -6)   
divo said...
Piano....interesting... dare I ask???? .exactly what is the "g-spot"? Maybe it would be too difficult to describe....in that case,,,just let it go..!! Di

Not difficult to describe, but probably too explicit for this forum. I suggest Google it -- others are not so reticent!
Age 63. Other than cancer, in good health; BMI 20
Pre-op: No symptoms; PSA 5.7; Gleason 4+5=9; cancer in 4 of 12 cores
7 March 2008, RRP, non nerve sparing
Two nights in hospital; catheter and staples out after 7 days
Continent, no pads needed from the get-go
Post Op: Stage pT2 M- N-; clear margins and lymph nodes; Gleason 4+4=8; prostate weight: 37gm
6-week PSA: 0 


Bob D
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 8/30/2008 8:48 PM (GMT -6)   

This is a great group for LADIES ONLY.

http://www.ladies-prostate-forum.org/ladies/index.php


Age 59, psa 4.7 in Jan. 08. Biopsy: one positive sample out of 13. 1% of one sample cancer. Prostate removed on 3/5/08. Open Surgery. Northeast Georgia Medical Center, Gainesville Ga. Nerves spared. Cath out 12 days later. Continence good. No pads needed since 6/10/08. First PSA: Less than 0.1 on 6/17/08. First erection five days post op and have been improving well since then. Full erection now possible (less than four months post op) with the assistance of Cialis. I am pleased with the progress so far. Married to same wonderful woman for 39 years.
She is still beautiful and sexy as ever. A great help in my recovery !!


Tony Crispino
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 8128
   Posted 8/30/2008 9:26 PM (GMT -6)   

The site below is from one of the top bloggers on the net.  I know Leah to be compassionate and very attentive to the ladies.  She runs a great blog spot.  I have included her in my Advocates post including Kathy Meade who lost her husband ten years ago to PCa.  There is life after prostate cancer.  And many do quite well. Hang in there and think positively...

Leah ~ Author and Web Master at http://prostatecancerblog.net (Living with prostate cancer | Wives get PC, too)

Tony


Age 46 (44 when Dx)
Pre-op PSA was 19.8
Surgery on Feb 16, 2007 @ The City of Hope
Post-Op Pathology: Gleason 4+3=7, positive margins, Stage pT3b (Stage III)
HT began in May, '07 with Lupron and Casodex 50mg
IMRT radiation for 38 Treatments ending August 3, '07
Current PSA (May 9 '08): <0.1
I will continue HT until May '09. 
Years in Remission (3/23/07): 1
Visit my Journey at:
And at:
 
STAY POSITIVE!
 
 


stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/31/2008 7:10 PM (GMT -6)   

Dear Mrs. C,

Hi, I am Kitt and my hubby had radical prostatectomy on Wednesday 8/27/08.  I know how you feel and please know that it is normal to be frightened.  While my husband was under anesthesia I felt like I was all alone as I could not talk to him or be with him but I knew he would make it as we have been through other major surgeries and I know what to expect. 

You are in my prayers and know that you will find wonderful members in this forum who will help you to make it through.

The websites suggested are excellent so please do check them out and come here and talk.

Let the tears out and know they will help you feel better.  You are just spinning in circles right now but soon you will find you can handle the future and do it well.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Tony Crispino
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 8128
   Posted 8/31/2008 10:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Kitt,
You are a wonderful lady! I knew your hubby was headed to the knife and I am glad you are doing well. Stay with us and, if you don't mind, start a thread with your story. You will receive the PCa support you need, you have my word! :-)

For all to know,
Kitt has moderated here at the PCa forum prior to her husbands joining the ranks. She tried to help at a time that wasn't right, but she has been a compassionate friend to the folks of HW for quite some time and is still moderating other forums here. But now is the time for all you great members to give it back to her knowing she can use a helping hand. She has mine anytime she needs it!

God Bless you, Kitt,

Stay with us!

Tony
Age 46 (44 when Dx)
Pre-op PSA was 19.8
Surgery on Feb 16, 2007 @ The City of Hope
Post-Op Pathology: Gleason 4+3=7, positive margins, Stage pT3b (Stage III)
HT began in May, '07 with Lupron and Casodex 50mg
IMRT radiation for 38 Treatments ending August 3, '07
Current PSA (May 9 '08): <0.1
I will continue HT until May '09. 
Years in Remission (3/23/07): 1
Visit my Journey at:
And at:
 
STAY POSITIVE!
 
 


IdahoSurvivor
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1015
   Posted 8/31/2008 11:43 PM (GMT -6)   
mrs. c.
 
You have had some wonderful suggestions from the good forum members here.  In addition to self-help ideas, may I suggest looking into the possibility of finding a counselor in whom you may confide?  If your husband or you have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at a place of employment, you can usually find a counselor where the first few visits are free or at a greatly reduced cost.
 
I have seen what an understanding, unselfish counselor can do for individuals working through depression or other issues.  A good thing is to "interview" the counselor over the phone for experience, training, and personal comfort with the individual before seeing him or her the first time.   Most good professionals will do a phone visit at no charge.
 
Just a thought.  Your husband is getting good physical care, you may benefit in caring for yourself as well.
 
Kind regards,

Barry ~ (a.k.a. "Idaho")

 

Da Vinci Surgery July 31, 2007… 54 on surgery day
PSA 4.3  Gleason 3+3=6  T2a  Confined to Prostate

1st PSA  09/11/2007  <0.04 (undetectable)

2nd PSA 12/10/2007  <0.04

3rd PSA  03/17/2008  <0.04

4th PSA  06/17/2008  <0.04

My web site: http://pca-info.blogspot.com

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