Support for wives

My hubby had rp performed a few days ago and I find that I am sinking fast into some serious form of depression.  I am normally a person who stays in control but this is really bothering me.  This will sound really selfish or stupid but I feel such overwhelming grief about the loss of the sexual aspect of our relationship.  My hubby is 56 and I am 43.  I did not see this one coming at all.  I am wondering if there are some type of support group or something out there for wives who are dealing with this awful disease.

My hubby has no idea what I am going through.  I think the biggest part of it is that over the 25 years we've been together we have always been able to work through anything because we had each other and all of that is threatened right now.  For me, one of the main ways I dealt with situations was to let hubby deal with the actual situation and then I would just fall into those big protective arms and all the problems of the world seemed to go away and of course this would end in love making.  Now I am just lost!  I have done nothing but cry and wollow in the lowest form of self pity and depression I have ever faced (and we have been through some stuff!), but this has rocked the very foundation of our existance. 

Can someone please point me in the right direction to get this turned around so that I find some help to heal myself so that I can be there for him through his healing process.  I don't like how things are right now.  Like I said he has no idea how I am feeling.  I cry alone.  I try to lay next to him and just start to cry and feel so overwhelming sad that I make up some excuse and get up.  I don't have the heart to let him know that I really having a hard time dealing with all of this.

My hubby needs me now more than ever and I have got to get a grip on the situation.  I love him so dearly.  He has been my knight in shining armour and the love of my life for a quarter century (most of my life) and now he needs me more than ever and the last thing I want to do is let him know that I am suffering like this because I know him his reaction will be to run save wifey and fix what is wrong with her.  But right now he needs to concentrate on first of all healing himself and I need to help him with that.  We have never kept secrets from each other before and I fear this thing that I am keeping to myself will possibly become a big rift in our relationship leading us down a really bad road or to say the least a very rocky one.  I need help.  Wives truly have prostate cancer too, we don't deal with it in the same manner i.e. treatments etc., but we do deal with a lot of emotional stuff.  We have been shaken hard and everything seems in jeopardy.  I just want to feel better and love and care for my man.

Help!

Mrs C - you're not alone at all - everyone on this forum is tuned in and listening. The whole cancer journey is a rollercoaster - sometimes you fall apart, then you pull it back together. For some, those times may require professional assistance (medication, just talking it out, etc.). There's nothing wrong in that - we all handle these dire situations differently.

You have to take care of you - in order to help you husband heal. You're not selfish or stupid in how you're feeling. The sexual aspect will return, perhaps not as you knew it - but give it time. Each day will get better.

Thanks for writing Mrs C and it makes total sense why you feel the way you feel. You may not think your husband knows how you feel, but I bet he does and he is probably feeling bad for you.
If you would please send me an email so we can talk about this aspect of healing.

peace and love
Dale

Dear Mrs.c,
I am a wife and we have been through this for eight years. I know exactly how you feel.. We had a very loving happy intimate life for thirty years, and neither one of us could believe what happened... .I remember the date of the last time we made love....I also was very depressed and cried almost every night for a month or so...Pete and I did go on antidepressants for six months. I guess it helped a little, but the most important thing for me, was the message forums, and also trying to find out anything I could about helping Pete fight this disease. I learned, as most of us do, who have pca in the family, that it is often ups and downs...The intimacy that you had may be changed and even lapse for awhile...but, no one ever died from lack of sex.
I know you are sad about the change in your life, but you must remain positive and hopeful....As hard as it is, keep telling him that you love him, and that things will get better. You h ave to believe that yourself....and also, try to find things that you can do that are fun... and I would recommend the book ..."The Power of Now" by Eckert Tolle. It has been very helpful to me in learning to be mindful of the moment, and to be aware of my thoughts.... .There is a lesson in everything, and I really feel that though Peter and I would love to never have gone through this, it has been a lesson in life. It has made us both more empathetic toward others, and also more careful of each other's feelings.... Things will get better... Di

Mrs c, you seem to be jumping to the conclusion that your sex life is gone forever. It isn't!

I had non-nerve sparing surgery, and as a result of that have no natural erections at all -- but I live in hope With the aid of injections, my wife of 38 years and I find that sex is every bit as good as before -- in some aspects better, because I last a lot longer.  Of course, if we could wind the clock back we would, but what we have now is a very good second best.

Even if the worst happened and your hubby can no longer have erections, there are many alternatives for a happy sex-life. There are new fun things to learn -- for example we discovered the "g-spot" -- something neither of us knew about before.

If all else fails, there is a penile implant -- which from all accounts is very effective.

The chances good that your hubby will still be able to have erections one way or another, but there will be a learning curve with the new techniques. So I suggest as soon as hubby is able, get involved in gentle sexual activity -- you'll both feel a lot better. We were fooling around before the catheter came out, and first full intercourse was exactly one month after surgery.

So it's not the end of everything, just a detour -- enjoy the journey

Dear mrs. c,

If I were your husband and read your post I would know that you well and truly loved me.  I would want to help and protect you.  I would want us to work together to heal and recover and continue to love.  If he's half the guy that you are the gal, I think you should show him your post.  If you think otherwise, it's because you know your situation better than I.  If I read about me, what you said about him, I would be proud to be thought so well of.

Regards,

Bill

This is a great group for LADIES ONLY.

http://www.ladies-prostate-forum.org/ladies/index.php

Dear Mrs. C,

Hi, I am Kitt and my hubby had radical prostatectomy on Wednesday 8/27/08.  I know how you feel and please know that it is normal to be frightened.  While my husband was under anesthesia I felt like I was all alone as I could not talk to him or be with him but I knew he would make it as we have been through other major surgeries and I know what to expect. 

You are in my prayers and know that you will find wonderful members in this forum who will help you to make it through.

The websites suggested are excellent so please do check them out and come here and talk.

Let the tears out and know they will help you feel better.  You are just spinning in circles right now but soon you will find you can handle the future and do it well.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

mrs. c.

You have had some wonderful suggestions from the good forum members here.  In addition to self-help ideas, may I suggest looking into the possibility of finding a counselor in whom you may confide?  If your husband or you have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at a place of employment, you can usually find a counselor where the first few visits are free or at a greatly reduced cost.

I have seen what an understanding, unselfish counselor can do for individuals working through depression or other issues.  A good thing is to "interview" the counselor over the phone for experience, training, and personal comfort with the individual before seeing him or her the first time.   Most good professionals will do a phone visit at no charge.

Just a thought.  Your husband is getting good physical care, you may benefit in caring for yourself as well.

Kind regards,