What does it mean when a spouse says IT DOESN'T MATTER to ED?

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 103
   Posted 9/17/2008 10:58 AM (GMT -6)   
When a spouse or a loved one says that it doesn't matter whether or not you have ED?
Are they being careing?  Does it mean that IC is not that important?
Seems like perhaps it is somewhat insensitive to the male and a let down as now he feels what he has been doing in the past was only for himself and not needed by female partner.
Is IC not that important to females?  There are many females that do not receive orgasms via IC and perhaps is this the reason for saying it doesn't matter?  It somewhat hurts to hear that comment.  I think there should be some other way to state what is really meant.  My spouse was one to state that it doesn't matter and this sure does not help one's libido.
Females and males, what is your take on this please?
64 years old 100307; healthy; active,
married 41 years, good strong erections before surgery.
DaVinci Prostate Removal February 5, 2007
2/12 samples malignant.
Catheter removal 2/13.
Viagra 25mg every other day from 2/14 to 5/12.
Tried Viagra 100mg on occasion-no erections.
Incontinence almost gone after three months.
No pads, occasional  dribble.
Lavitra every other day 5/12 to 7/22.
Muse 1000mcg - no help (50% at best).
Cialis twice a week 7/25 to 11/6/07.
Vacuum pump daily/twice a day 8/2 and going - no help.
Begin Trimix injections, two low dose per week, 11/05/07.
Currently, vacuum pump and low dose Trimix twice per week each.
Trimix in office - 0.10cc.  Low dose set at 0.05cc
First drug induced erection 10/8/07....Wow!
Natural erections - 0 as of 10/25/07.
PSA's, three to date undetectable.  Thank God!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 966
   Posted 9/17/2008 11:21 AM (GMT -6)   
Geon...from the male side of the family....Yeah, I agree with you when my wife said the same thing. I was a little taken back and thought some of the same things you do. But, I am a lucky man in that I have a very personal and close relationship with my wife and therefore we were able to talk about this openly. While she expressed that the loss of intercourse is not desired, it was the fact that I would still be around that meant the most to her. We have found in our marriage that love and intimacy didn't focus around intercourse in the first place. Intercourse was a part of it...that is a fact...but not the sole basis either. And as she put it...would it matter if she was the one that couldn't have intercourse from now on...what would be my take...just like hers...it wouldn't matter. Love and intimacy goes much deeper than the physical aspect in our opinions.

Will be interested in others take on this subject as well.
Age 58 at Diagnosis
Oct 2006 - PSA 2.6 - DRE Normal
May 2008 - PSA 4.6 - DRE Normal / TRUS normal-Gland 38 cc
July 2008 - Biopsy 4 of 12 Positive 5 - 30% Involved Bilateral (Perineural Invasion present at base)
Gleason (3+3) 6  Stage T1C
August 23 - Bone Scan - Hips, Spine and ribs marked uptake - X-Ray showed clear -Hooray
Sept 9 2nd DRE - questionable - TRUS...shadow in base - Gland now 41 cc
Robotic Surgery scheduled Sept 18, 2008

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 78
   Posted 9/17/2008 12:18 PM (GMT -6)   
I think LV-TX has a point. Perhaps in the big scheme of things, being alive, it isn't that important. It doesn't negate all the great times you had before. It's just a new reality now.
I hope things work out for you.
Just my $ .02

Rising PSA 12/06=1.6 12/07=2.1 5/08=2.6
Biopsy 6/4/08 Positive
Diagnose @ Age 51 Gleason 3+3=6
Bone & Cat Scans Normal
Lapro Surgery 8/18/08 at Memorial Sloan Kettering
Catheter removed 8/26 - reinserted 8/29 - removed 9/2

Steve n Dallas
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 4840
   Posted 9/17/2008 1:54 PM (GMT -6)   
"When a spouse or a loved one says that it doesn't matter whether or not you have ED?"
What else are they going to say?
"Oh shucks - time to get a new man - a real man?"
All the ADULT women I've talked to keep reminding me that there is more then one way to do things. And they weren't talking about renting the pool guy shocked

Age 53   - 5'11'   205lbs
Overall Heath Condition - Good
PSA - July 07 & Jan 08 -> 1.3
Gleason - 6
(biopsy done March 4, 2008-> 2 of 12)
06/25/08 - Da Vinci robotic laparoscopy

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/17/2008 3:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Geon--Yes, I agree, and from a female perspective I would much rather have my husband for years to come than the sex. Not that the sex isn't wonderful at all!! But truly, when you love someone, its not the only thing that matters. When it comes down to it, spending everyday with him is much more important. And like another poster says...there is more than one way to have intimacy.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 847
   Posted 9/17/2008 4:22 PM (GMT -6)   
My wife of 38 years says much the same thing -- but I take it it as reassurance. Although if she never felt erections of any sort again, apart from a few regrets, I don't think she would be too bothered. "Now I can have some peace!" She, like most other wives wants first and foremost for hubby to be alive.
She enjoys IC, and regularly orgasms, but her natural frequency is once per week or less, while mine is more like two or three times per week. Fortunately for me she is easily persuaded that a higher frequency is better -- for therapeutic reasons of course. wink
And lets face it, IC is much more important to men than women. I know there are exceptions, but I've never met one tongue
So Geon, I suggest don't read too much into your wife's comments -- but if you are not attending to her wants, take it as a wake-up call. 
How are your trimix injections going? I'm on bimix, and after an initial learning curve, they are working well. With ED, we find there is no spontaneity, so our hot dates have to be planned. Things are different to what they were, but still good.
Age 63. Other than cancer, in good health; BMI 20
Pre-op: No symptoms; PSA 5.7; Gleason 4+5=9; cancer in 4 of 12 cores
7 March 2008, RRP, non nerve sparing
Two nights in hospital; catheter and staples out after 7 days
Continent, no pads needed from the get-go
Post Op: Stage pT2 M- N-; clear margins and lymph nodes; Gleason 4+4=8; prostate weight: 37gm
6-week PSA: 0 

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 9/17/2008 5:46 PM (GMT -6)   


In 41 years of marriage, do you think that it was only IC that kept your marriage together. A husband to hold, to talk to, to share with, to dream with is what makes a marriage survive and thrive during the hard times. Yes, IC is an important element of the union, but it is not the basis of the relationship--I may venture out to say that it is the same for a man who loves his wife as it is for a woman who loves her husband. Enjoy the time you share--no matter what you are doing.

May you continue to receive zeros for years to come.

Karen eyes

Karen--New York
Husbands Info:
Age of diagnosis--62
2/28/08--PSA 279   DRE--positive/rock hard
Flomax and Casadex started
Biopsy--3/7/08--187cc--Gleason 10--12 of 12 positive--Perineural and LV invasion identified
T4 bone met.--hydroureteronephrosis/right kidney
3/28/08--Lupron Inj. started
4/7/08--Zometa IV started
5/15/08--PSA 12
5/20/08--Tubes placed in kidneys (through back)
5/21/08--diagnosed Neuro Endocrine Prostate carcinoma
5/28-30/08--1st round Chemo
6/18-20/08--2nd round Chemo
7/2/08--blood clot--Coumadin started
7/10/08--Stop chemo--cancer not responding
7/20-24--hospitalized for some type of seizure
7/24--New chemo given-no response
8/20/08--Start Hospice

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 203
   Posted 9/17/2008 5:53 PM (GMT -6)   


I'm the wife of a survivor and I so understand what your wife is saying. I have said it many times to my husband and I mean it with all my heart. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't give a million dollars to be able to make love with my husband like the good ole days. We are a very young couple (despite our ages) and this hasn't been easy to accept. BUT to have him with me to hug me, love on me, tell me he loves me and I can tell him back, means everything.  My life would have been a real b**** without him and I'm sure thats what your wife is trying to say. I also find that I would hold it all in and say what I thought he wanted to hear so he wouldn't get upset about the problem. Then I realized (as your wife will too in her own time) that he needed to know all the feelings I had. Thats when I started opening up and realized he needed to know how I really felt. Made in big difference in communication between us. Maybe you could talk with her about it. Get it in the open. It helped us and I hope it will help you too.


Age 51 Kent Cindy 49
January 08 PSA 5.2 round of antibiotics went to 4.3
February 08 another round of antibiotics went to 4.2
March 17,08 had biopsy, 2 days later told cancer was on
one entire side of prostate.
Gleason 3+3
Doctor thinks its best to get the whole prostate with Perineal  Prostatectomy.
Surgery scheduled for this Thursday April 10th. Only took 1 1/2 hours. In recovery 1 hour.  Both nerves were spared.
Home 4-11. Cath out 4-22. Incision looks completly healed on the outside by 4-25.  Incontinence "a thing of the past" as of 5-28
lst PSA 0.04 June 3. YAY!!!
July 08 (3mths post op) Cialis 10 mg every other day. Right now, things are not looking so good in that department. 
Aug 08 PSA 0.04 Yay Again!!

Tony Crispino
Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 8128
   Posted 9/17/2008 6:01 PM (GMT -6)   
What it means is you've been blessed with a wonderful wife! I started out on this board posting that I am half a man without my Ruthie. And for a while I felt less than that because I am completely incapable of IC. Surgery, HT, and RT have done their thing. But my wife has done everything to make me feel whole. And it sounds like you are equally supported.

Age 46 (44 when Dx)
Pre-op PSA was 19.8
Surgery on Feb 16, 2007 @ The City of Hope
Post-Op Pathology: Gleason 4+3=7, positive margins, Extra Prostatic Extension (EPE)
Bilateral seminal vesicle invasion (SVI); Stage pT3b, N0, Mx
HT began in May, '07 with Lupron and Casodex 50mg (2 Year ADT)
IMRT radiation for 38 Treatments ending August 3, '07
Current PSA (May 9 '08): <0.1 ~ Undetectable!
You can visit my Journey at:

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1382
   Posted 9/17/2008 8:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with Tony, going thru radiation, Lupron, and casodex has made it impossible to have intercourse, but I will say this thank God for a loving wife, because we have learned to be intimate in ways we never thought we could. I just wish I had realized how much more to love making there was 25 years ago.

peace to you my friend
My PSA at diagnosis was 16.3
age 46 (current)
My gleason score from prostate was 4+5=9 and from the lymph nodes was 4+4=8
I had 44 IMRT's
Currently on Lupron
I go to The Cancer Treatment Center of America
Married with two kids
latest PSA 5-27-08 0.11
PSA July 24th, 2008 is 0.04
cancer in 4 of 6 cores

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 9/18/2008 3:56 PM (GMT -6)   

Geon,  You can look at it your way, but as a wife I look at it this way.   Life brings us all kinds of obstacles.  By the grace of god, hopefully we get through them stronger.     I prefer my husband to know that I'd rather him alive and kicking even if it means sans IC or sex (whatever you guys want to call it).   We are a team and my glass will always be half full with my guy.   Go give your wife a big kiss and thank her for the woman she is!!

Age 55
PSA 2005 - 2.5
PSA 2007 - 4.9
Biopsy - Dec. 2007.  1 of 12 cores - 15% cancer
Gleason 3+3
DaVinci - 4/24/08 - Dr. Michael Esposito - Hackensack Univ. Hosp., NJ
Post Op. Gleason 3+4
Both nerves spared

Tony Crispino
Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 8128
   Posted 9/18/2008 5:17 PM (GMT -6)   
This is a great thread.
When I read these posts I ponder about the lives of people like Christopher and Dana Reeves. 9 years he lived as a quadrapalegic! But she stood by his side.

You women here are so wonderful!

Age 46 (44 when Dx)
Pre-op PSA was 19.8
Surgery on Feb 16, 2007 @ The City of Hope
Post-Op Pathology: Gleason 4+3=7, positive margins, Extra Prostatic Extension (EPE)
Bilateral seminal vesicle invasion (SVI); Stage pT3b, N0, Mx
HT began in May, '07 with Lupron and Casodex 50mg (2 Year ADT)
IMRT radiation for 38 Treatments ending August 3, '07
Current PSA (September 17 '08): <0.1 ~ Undetectable!
You can visit my Journey at:

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 260
   Posted 9/18/2008 5:56 PM (GMT -6)   


  yeah you're so right Tony.....what does it mean when someone says that, it means just that I think.....My girlfriend whom I'd been dating for only six months when Dx'd is still here and never left. I told this gal I would understand she didn't sign up for thls....she said, hey, we never know what's going to happen.....she was with me at  all my pre-surg appointments, was with me and my adult children during my surgery. Stayed in my room that night, slept on my couch for four nights while I was in the recliner post surgery......says alot I think....and was there today when I heard the news I was a zero.....man I owe this gal(not in her book)  I've been single for 10 plus years, I think all of that scares me more than the PCa DX did!! :)  I'm just saying I know what you mean Tony...and when we're lucky enough to have someone like that, when they say that.....they mean it......hang in there geon, you're a lucky man.....I believe it means she LOVES you brother......

   age: 53
   Pre-0p PSA  Feb. 08, 5.0
      4.22.08, 4.1
      PSA  spiked once about 8yrs ago to 5.0 three months later
      back to 2.9...then into the 1.2 range until my re-scheduled 
      "missed" appointment this past Feb.
      Biopsy 5.1.08 
      5 of 15 cores positive
      Da Vinci scheduled..7.29.08..as I read somewhere on this 
      site....."the first show of the day"
       DaVinci completed 7.29.08, Bladder Sling installed, hernia repair 
       completed during surgery.    
        Sent home 30hrs,  JP drain in place 7days,
       Path report "cancer fully contained"....Margins clear
        Cath removed 8.8.08(ten days)...one lightly used pad 24 hours
        ED therapy begins 8.9.08. 100mg viagra three times a week,
        pump everyday and hold for ten minutes.
        8.16.08 switched to Levitra 20mg.......whahoo, got lucky...
        immediate results..... 
        9.15.08 pad free at night, one thin (light) pad during the daytime
        hours. Just because I'm chicken..!
         9.18.08 1st post-0p-PSA-Undetectable...Zero's!  Yes!
           ..."just tryin' to reason with hurricane season"..

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 741
   Posted 9/18/2008 6:16 PM (GMT -6)   

And all this time I thought she loved me 'cause I was such a stud.  Turns out the poor lass loves me just 'cause she does.  I'm a lucky man.  I think you are too.  I've noticed that there are a bunch of high quality ladies around this place.



August of 2006, PSA up to 4.2 from 2.7 one year ago. 
October free and total PSA 12% free and 5.0 total.
A month, or so later, 4.7.
Late in the year decide on Image Guided IMRT.
Begin 43 treatments on January 23, 2007 and finish on March 23.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 276
   Posted 9/18/2008 7:31 PM (GMT -6)   
In my case, it was my wonderful wifes way of saying that I meant more to her than sex. I think that us men already put enough pressure on ourselves, and that was her way of taking away as much worry and anxiety as she possibly could. Sure, making love was and is wonderful, but these women who love us care much more deeply than we can ever know. JMHO.
46 you when diagnosed, now 47
Pre-Op PSA 9.9
1 of 12 cores positive, Gleason 3+3
DaVinci on 9/5/2007
Post-Op Gleason 3+6, Negative Nodes and Margins
Less than 1% of prostate involved with CA
3 Month PSA 0.01, 6 Month PSA 0.01, 9 Month PSA 0.01
Incontinence resolved 9/15/2007, one day after cath removal
ED showing significant improvement.
Cialis 5 mg every night.
Success with BiMix

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 103
   Posted 9/18/2008 9:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for your heartfelt, sincere, meaningful amd practical responses. The core of the matter is love. I knew from the bottom of my heart what my wife meant and I am indebted to her and I would do the same for her. We are in this together for better and for worse and you are all correct. There is much more to marriage than the physical as I knew before we got married. I am very blessed to have such a woman by my side. I am delighted to see the responses in support and committment to each of your spouses and friends. And yes, I totally agree, spouse and not partner. Thanks for the encouragement as we all need a lift from time to time. I am committed, my wonderful wife means well and we just need to make the most of the situation....and we will. God bless and again many thanks for your honest and forthwright responses.
64 years old 100307; healthy; active,
married 41 years, good strong erections before surgery.
DaVinci Prostate Removal February 5, 2007
2/12 samples malignant.
Catheter removal 2/13.
Viagra 25mg every other day from 2/14 to 5/12.
Incontinence almost gone after three months.
No pads, occasional  dribble.
Lavitra every other day 5/12 to 7/22.
Muse 1000mcg - no help (50% at best).
Cialis twice a week 7/25/07 to 11/6/08.
Vacuum pump - no help.
Trimix injections started.  0.09cc is great! 10/08/07.
First drug induced erection 10/8/07....Wow!
Natural erections - 0 as of 10/25/07.
PSA's, three to date undetectable.  Thank God!
Total ED...19 months.  URO took me off oral drugs 11/2008.

New Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/22/2008 12:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Your post did me good as well. I'm a wife and i say that all the time to my husband (he's only been Dx'd for 2 and 1/2 months and we are awaiting surgery). I never realized that my husband might take that wrong. I will be sure to ask him tomorrow if he knows what I mean. Here's what I mean...having my husband's arms around me and lying next to me in bed, having him to share my life with, not ever wanting him to think he was less of a man or less loved because he got a darn awful disease that took away IC from our lives, is and always will be more important to me than IC. Do I love our intimate life...heck yeah. Do I have earth shaking O's..heck yeah. Do I want this taken away...heck no. But if it means I will have him around for many more years, without IC, but no cancer, I chose my husband's life without blinking an eye. Far more to lose than IC. Besides, we'll just have to learn some new tricks, and after all that can be a lot of fun.
If that doesn't explain it, may I ask this...if she were to be Dx'd with breast cancer and had to have a radical double mastectomy...would it matter to you? Would you love her less? Wouldn't you tell her that it doesn't matter? And when you say that, does it mean you never really cared for her breasts? I bet not. You've got a woman who loves you and will always be beside your side and it doesn't matter to her because you the person are far more important. Hope this helps.

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 270
   Posted 10/22/2008 7:51 AM (GMT -6)   
This is such a fantastic post. I too am dealing with the harsh reality of ED. I can follow all the same thread of reasoning that everyone here has interjected in their own way. Love covers it all! There is one reality that has hit me about my relationship with my spouse since my surgery - I have found myself much more appreciative of her, and I pay her more attention & compliments etc.. She is more precious to me now than before, and she has always been precious to me. It is as though my deadness down south, has given me more focus of attention up north. I know that seems odd but it is real - in that odd sense, blessings come out of adversity.

Thanks again for the post.


Age 61
Original data - pre-operation
PSA: 5.1
T1C clinical diagnosis, Needle biopsy - 10 cores, Gleason 7 = 3+4 in 1 core (40%), 7 cores Gleason 6 = 3+3 ranging from 5% to 12%
All scans negative
Lupron administered 4/9/2008 for 4 months (with idea I would undergo external beam radiation followed by seed implants - then I changed my mind).
Robotic DiVinci surgery - Dr. Fagin (Austin) May 19th
Post operative - pathology
pT2c NX MX
Gleason 3+4
Margins - negative
Extraprostatic extension - negative
seminal vesicle invasion - uninvolved
1st Post PSA <.04

M. Kat
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 715
   Posted 10/24/2008 6:46 AM (GMT -6)   
AMEN to what everyone is saying!!! :) kat
Husband Jeff 56 years old diagnosed July 27, 2006
PSA 6.5, 2 positive areas in biopsy, Gleason 3+3=6
Radical Retropubic Prostatectomy August 30, 2006
pathology report - all clear - cancer gone
1st post-surgery PSA test <0.1, 2nd post-surgery PSA test <0.1, 3rd PSA <0.1
no more pads Oct 12, 2006
first "real" erection with use of pump 12/16/06
3/07 - occasional dribbles and erections with Cialis and pump
8/07 - 1 yr PSA <0.1
9/1/07 - achieved erection with Viagra - no pump!
3/08 - 18 mo PSA <0.1
switched to Levitra - works much better than Viagra & Cialis - fewer side affects
summer of 2008 - have had a few erections with no drugs! yeah!!
8/08 - 2 yr PSA <0.1

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, August 18, 2018 7:18 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,994,222 posts in 328,113 threads.
View Active Threads

Who's Online
This forum has 161263 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, teri12345.
270 Guest(s), 12 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Ak123, Zoeyz, Girlie, magoo2, WalkingbyFaith, OriolCarol, T.S. Eliot, Aerose91, borborygmi, straydog, halbert, Steve Smith