Open main menu ☰
HealingWell
Search Close Search
Health Conditions
Allergies Alzheimer's Disease Anxiety & Panic Disorders Arthritis Breast Cancer Chronic Illness Crohn's Disease Depression Diabetes
Fibromyalgia GERD & Acid Reflux Irritable Bowel Syndrome Lupus Lyme Disease Migraine Headache Multiple Sclerosis Prostate Cancer Ulcerative Colitis

View Conditions A to Z »
Support Forums
Anxiety & Panic Disorders Bipolar Disorder Breast Cancer Chronic Pain Crohn's Disease Depression Diabetes Fibromyalgia GERD & Acid Reflux
Hepatitis Irritable Bowel Syndrome Lupus Lyme Disease Multiple Sclerosis Ostomies Prostate Cancer Rheumatoid Arthritis Ulcerative Colitis

View Forums A to Z »
Log In
Join Us
Close main menu ×
  • Home
  • Health Conditions
    • All Conditions
    • Allergies
    • Alzheimer's Disease
    • Anxiety & Panic Disorders
    • Arthritis
    • Breast Cancer
    • Chronic Illness
    • Crohn's Disease
    • Depression
    • Diabetes
    • Fibromyalgia
    • GERD & Acid Reflux
    • Irritable Bowel Syndrome
    • Lupus
    • Lyme Disease
    • Migraine Headache
    • Multiple Sclerosis
    • Prostate Cancer
    • Ulcerative Colitis
  • Support Forums
    • All Forums
    • Anxiety & Panic Disorders
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • Breast Cancer
    • Chronic Pain
    • Crohn's Disease
    • Depression
    • Diabetes
    • Fibromyalgia
    • GERD & Acid Reflux
    • Hepatitis
    • Irritable Bowel Syndrome
    • Lupus
    • Lyme Disease
    • Multiple Sclerosis
    • Ostomies
    • Prostate Cancer
    • Rheumatoid Arthritis
    • Ulcerative Colitis
  • Log In
  • Join Us
Join Us
☰
Forum Home| Forum Rules| Moderators| Active Topics| Help| Log In

What does it mean when a spouse says IT DOESN'T MATTER to ED?

Support Forums
>
Prostate Cancer
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
profile picture
geon
Regular Member
Joined : Oct 2007
Posts : 103
Posted 9/17/2008 7:58 AM (GMT -8)
All,

When a spouse or a loved one says that it doesn't matter whether or not you have ED?

Are they being careing?  Does it mean that IC is not that important?

Seems like perhaps it is somewhat insensitive to the male and a let down as now he feels what he has been doing in the past was only for himself and not needed by female partner.

Is IC not that important to females?  There are many females that do not receive orgasms via IC and perhaps is this the reason for saying it doesn't matter?  It somewhat hurts to hear that comment.  I think there should be some other way to state what is really meant.  My spouse was one to state that it doesn't matter and this sure does not help one's libido.

Females and males, what is your take on this please?

Geon

profile picture
LV-TX
Veteran Member
Joined : Jul 2008
Posts : 966
Posted 9/17/2008 8:21 AM (GMT -8)
Geon...from the male side of the family....Yeah, I agree with you when my wife said the same thing. I was a little taken back and thought some of the same things you do. But, I am a lucky man in that I have a very personal and close relationship with my wife and therefore we were able to talk about this openly. While she expressed that the loss of intercourse is not desired, it was the fact that I would still be around that meant the most to her. We have found in our marriage that love and intimacy didn't focus around intercourse in the first place. Intercourse was a part of it...that is a fact...but not the sole basis either. And as she put it...would it matter if she was the one that couldn't have intercourse from now on...what would be my take...just like hers...it wouldn't matter. Love and intimacy goes much deeper than the physical aspect in our opinions.

Will be interested in others take on this subject as well.
profile picture
hangin-in
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2008
Posts : 81
Posted 9/17/2008 9:18 AM (GMT -8)

I think LV-TX has a point. Perhaps in the big scheme of things, being alive, it isn't that important. It doesn't negate all the great times you had before. It's just a new reality now.

I hope things work out for you.

Just my $ .02

profile picture
Steve n Dallas
Veteran Member
Joined : Mar 2008
Posts : 5243
Posted 9/17/2008 10:54 AM (GMT -8)
"When a spouse or a loved one says that it doesn't matter whether or not you have ED?"

What else are they going to say?

"Oh shucks - time to get a new man - a real man?"

All the ADULT women I've talked to keep reminding me that there is more then one way to do things. And they weren't talking about renting the pool guy shocked

profile picture
daughterto1
New Member
Joined : Sep 2008
Posts : 7
Posted 9/17/2008 12:19 PM (GMT -8)
Geon--Yes, I agree, and from a female perspective I would much rather have my husband for years to come than the sex. Not that the sex isn't wonderful at all!! But truly, when you love someone, its not the only thing that matters. When it comes down to it, spending everyday with him is much more important. And like another poster says...there is more than one way to have intimacy.
profile picture
Piano
Veteran Member
Joined : Apr 2008
Posts : 847
Posted 9/17/2008 1:22 PM (GMT -8)
My wife of 38 years says much the same thing -- but I take it it as reassurance. Although if she never felt erections of any sort again, apart from a few regrets, I don't think she would be too bothered. "Now I can have some peace!" She, like most other wives wants first and foremost for hubby to be alive.

She enjoys IC, and regularly orgasms, but her natural frequency is once per week or less, while mine is more like two or three times per week. Fortunately for me she is easily persuaded that a higher frequency is better -- for therapeutic reasons of course. wink

And lets face it, IC is much more important to men than women. I know there are exceptions, but I've never met one tongue

So Geon, I suggest don't read too much into your wife's comments -- but if you are not attending to her wants, take it as a wake-up call. 

How are your trimix injections going? I'm on bimix, and after an initial learning curve, they are working well. With ED, we find there is no spontaneity, so our hot dates have to be planned. Things are different to what they were, but still good.

profile picture
hopemylove
Regular Member
Joined : Apr 2008
Posts : 65
Posted 9/17/2008 2:46 PM (GMT -8)

Geon,

In 41 years of marriage, do you think that it was only IC that kept your marriage together. A husband to hold, to talk to, to share with, to dream with is what makes a marriage survive and thrive during the hard times. Yes, IC is an important element of the union, but it is not the basis of the relationship--I may venture out to say that it is the same for a man who loves his wife as it is for a woman who loves her husband. Enjoy the time you share--no matter what you are doing.

May you continue to receive zeros for years to come.

Karen eyes

profile picture
VaFan
Regular Member
Joined : Mar 2008
Posts : 203
Posted 9/17/2008 2:53 PM (GMT -8)

Geon,

I'm the wife of a survivor and I so understand what your wife is saying. I have said it many times to my husband and I mean it with all my heart. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't give a million dollars to be able to make love with my husband like the good ole days. We are a very young couple (despite our ages) and this hasn't been easy to accept. BUT to have him with me to hug me, love on me, tell me he loves me and I can tell him back, means everything.  My life would have been a real b**** without him and I'm sure thats what your wife is trying to say. I also find that I would hold it all in and say what I thought he wanted to hear so he wouldn't get upset about the problem. Then I realized (as your wife will too in her own time) that he needed to know all the feelings I had. Thats when I started opening up and realized he needed to know how I really felt. Made in big difference in communication between us. Maybe you could talk with her about it. Get it in the open. It helped us and I hope it will help you too.

Cindy


profile picture
Tony Crispino
Veteran Member
Joined : Dec 2006
Posts : 8160
Posted 9/17/2008 3:01 PM (GMT -8)
Geon,
What it means is you've been blessed with a wonderful wife! I started out on this board posting that I am half a man without my Ruthie. And for a while I felt less than that because I am completely incapable of IC. Surgery, HT, and RT have done their thing. But my wife has done everything to make me feel whole. And it sounds like you are equally supported.

Tony
profile picture
livinadream
Veteran Member
Joined : Apr 2008
Posts : 1382
Posted 9/17/2008 5:04 PM (GMT -8)
I agree with Tony, going thru radiation, Lupron, and casodex has made it impossible to have intercourse, but I will say this thank God for a loving wife, because we have learned to be intimate in ways we never thought we could. I just wish I had realized how much more to love making there was 25 years ago.

peace to you my friend
Dale
profile picture
R&PK
New Member
Joined : Jan 2008
Posts : 17
Posted 9/18/2008 12:56 PM (GMT -8)

Geon,  You can look at it your way, but as a wife I look at it this way.   Life brings us all kinds of obstacles.  By the grace of god, hopefully we get through them stronger.     I prefer my husband to know that I'd rather him alive and kicking even if it means sans IC or sex (whatever you guys want to call it).   We are a team and my glass will always be half full with my guy.   Go give your wife a big kiss and thank her for the woman she is!!

profile picture
Tony Crispino
Veteran Member
Joined : Dec 2006
Posts : 8160
Posted 9/18/2008 2:17 PM (GMT -8)
This is a great thread.
When I read these posts I ponder about the lives of people like Christopher and Dana Reeves. 9 years he lived as a quadrapalegic! But she stood by his side.

You women here are so wonderful!

Tony
profile picture
Bluenose
Regular Member
Joined : May 2008
Posts : 260
Posted 9/18/2008 2:56 PM (GMT -8)

  yeah you're so right Tony.....what does it mean when someone says that, it means just that I think.....My girlfriend whom I'd been dating for only six months when Dx'd is still here and never left. I told this gal I would understand she didn't sign up for thls....she said, hey, we never know what's going to happen.....she was with me at  all my pre-surg appointments, was with me and my adult children during my surgery. Stayed in my room that night, slept on my couch for four nights while I was in the recliner post surgery......says alot I think....and was there today when I heard the news I was a zero.....man I owe this gal(not in her book)  I've been single for 10 plus years, I think all of that scares me more than the PCa DX did!! :)  I'm just saying I know what you mean Tony...and when we're lucky enough to have someone like that, when they say that.....they mean it......hang in there geon, you're a lucky man.....I believe it means she LOVES you brother......

profile picture
jetguy
Veteran Member
Joined : Sep 2006
Posts : 750
Posted 9/18/2008 3:16 PM (GMT -8)

And all this time I thought she loved me 'cause I was such a stud.  Turns out the poor lass loves me just 'cause she does.  I'm a lucky man.  I think you are too.  I've noticed that there are a bunch of high quality ladies around this place.

Regards,

Bill

profile picture
Lungman
Regular Member
Joined : Jan 2008
Posts : 276
Posted 9/18/2008 4:31 PM (GMT -8)
In my case, it was my wonderful wifes way of saying that I meant more to her than sex. I think that us men already put enough pressure on ourselves, and that was her way of taking away as much worry and anxiety as she possibly could. Sure, making love was and is wonderful, but these women who love us care much more deeply than we can ever know. JMHO.
Randy
profile picture
geon
Regular Member
Joined : Oct 2007
Posts : 103
Posted 9/18/2008 6:22 PM (GMT -8)
Thank you all for your heartfelt, sincere, meaningful amd practical responses. The core of the matter is love. I knew from the bottom of my heart what my wife meant and I am indebted to her and I would do the same for her. We are in this together for better and for worse and you are all correct. There is much more to marriage than the physical as I knew before we got married. I am very blessed to have such a woman by my side. I am delighted to see the responses in support and committment to each of your spouses and friends. And yes, I totally agree, spouse and not partner. Thanks for the encouragement as we all need a lift from time to time. I am committed, my wonderful wife means well and we just need to make the most of the situation....and we will. God bless and again many thanks for your honest and forthwright responses.
Geon
profile picture
AngelBeliever
New Member
Joined : Oct 2008
Posts : 7
Posted 10/21/2008 9:24 PM (GMT -8)
Geon,
Your post did me good as well. I'm a wife and i say that all the time to my husband (he's only been Dx'd for 2 and 1/2 months and we are awaiting surgery). I never realized that my husband might take that wrong. I will be sure to ask him tomorrow if he knows what I mean. Here's what I mean...having my husband's arms around me and lying next to me in bed, having him to share my life with, not ever wanting him to think he was less of a man or less loved because he got a darn awful disease that took away IC from our lives, is and always will be more important to me than IC. Do I love our intimate life...heck yeah. Do I have earth shaking O's..heck yeah. Do I want this taken away...heck no. But if it means I will have him around for many more years, without IC, but no cancer, I chose my husband's life without blinking an eye. Far more to lose than IC. Besides, we'll just have to learn some new tricks, and after all that can be a lot of fun.
If that doesn't explain it, may I ask this...if she were to be Dx'd with breast cancer and had to have a radical double mastectomy...would it matter to you? Would you love her less? Wouldn't you tell her that it doesn't matter? And when you say that, does it mean you never really cared for her breasts? I bet not. You've got a woman who loves you and will always be beside your side and it doesn't matter to her because you the person are far more important. Hope this helps.
profile picture
RBinCountry
Regular Member
Joined : Apr 2008
Posts : 270
Posted 10/22/2008 4:51 AM (GMT -8)
This is such a fantastic post. I too am dealing with the harsh reality of ED. I can follow all the same thread of reasoning that everyone here has interjected in their own way. Love covers it all! There is one reality that has hit me about my relationship with my spouse since my surgery - I have found myself much more appreciative of her, and I pay her more attention & compliments etc.. She is more precious to me now than before, and she has always been precious to me. It is as though my deadness down south, has given me more focus of attention up north. I know that seems odd but it is real - in that odd sense, blessings come out of adversity.

Thanks again for the post.

RB

Age 61
Original data - pre-operation
PSA: 5.1
T1C clinical diagnosis, Needle biopsy - 10 cores, Gleason 7 = 3+4 in 1 core (40%), 7 cores Gleason 6 = 3+3 ranging from 5% to 12%
All scans negative
Lupron administered 4/9/2008 for 4 months (with idea I would undergo external beam radiation followed by seed implants - then I changed my mind).
Robotic DiVinci surgery - Dr. Fagin (Austin) May 19th
Post operative - pathology
pT2c NX MX
Gleason 3+4
Margins - negative
Extraprostatic extension - negative
seminal vesicle invasion - uninvolved
1st Post PSA <.04
profile picture
M. Kat
Veteran Member
Joined : Jul 2006
Posts : 715
Posted 10/24/2008 3:46 AM (GMT -8)
AMEN to what everyone is saying!!! :) kat
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply


More On Prostate Cancer

Positive For Prostate Cancer

Positive For Prostate Cancer

7 Ways To Stay In Control And Reduce Stress While Battling Cancer

7 Ways To Stay In Control And Reduce Stress While Battling Cancer


HealingWell

About Us  |   Advertise  |   Subscribe  |   Privacy & Disclaimer
Connect With Us
Facebook Twitter Instagram Pinterest LinkedIn
© 1997-2023 HealingWell.com LLC All Rights Reserved. Our website is for informational purposes only. HealingWell.com LLC does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.