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Has anyone mate lost interest in sex while trying to recover

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Posted 10/21/2008 6:53 PM (GMT -8)
I am 5 weeks post op and still suffer from ED.  I have been following Doctors orders and pumping and unsing viagra.  Some days are better than others.  Honestly it seemed better three weeks after surgery.

My question is, with all the extra work to have sex has any one elses mate lost interest in the process.  I have tried to be romantic, make it a challenge, hot tub......just not getting her intersted.

any help would be appreciated, even if it means waiting another 6 months and it will all get better.

Posted 10/21/2008 7:51 PM (GMT -8)
Unfortunately, we're all very variable. Often it can be a year or two before a near-full recovery, sometimes more. A very lucky few recover almost immediately. And an unlucky few (maybe me!), never.

I agree that the pump is most unromantic and best used in private. Can you do that and then present your mate with a fait accompi?

Another option is injections. You could inject in private, then indulge in all the foreplay you used to, without fear of losing the erection too soon. I know injections are not for everyone, but if you can get them working, it's just like old times.
Posted 10/22/2008 5:00 AM (GMT -8)

Sebring: Has your wife seen the doc? Mine experienced some troubles a while back that turned out to be hormonal. She now takes hormone shots (estrogen I think?). After the shot, she's ready to go. But as they wear off, so does her desire.

Chas: Your fortunate that everything is at least functional. As for me, I am experiencing equipment trouble. However, I too sometimes feel that my desire is slipping away. After two years of trying, I now have a lot of days where I just don't feel like its even worth trying anymore. I have been on-the-pump for several months now, but I'm getting to the point where I just can't make myself go through it. It depresses me that I feel this way, because part of me remembers when sex was an overwhelming part of my daily thought processes. Now I wonder if I will ever have the desire or the ability to have sex again.

I don't really feel like watching ****, but I guess it might help to wake things up. Assuming your ethically ok with that, do you think it might help?

Smokie

PS: I don't mean to sound so darned depressing...just having a bad morning.

Posted 10/22/2008 5:40 AM (GMT -8)

SbringR and Smokie,

Don't lose hope.  Give her time and give yourself time.  Sometimes I'm afraid we guys try too hard and give our wives the impression that all we want from them is sex, which is a turn-off to lots of wives.  They want to know we love them as a person and as a best friend.  Cuddle with her very, very often.  If she allows you, carress her (in "neutral" places and in those other wonderful places).  Be very, very kind and understanding.  And, if you live in an area where "Fireproof" is being shown in a movie theater, take her to see it.  By all means, avoid **** (p orn).  That will set you up for a big fall in your marriage. 

You are doing very well, it seems, toward regaining potency.  Don't give up.  It's too early. 

Smokie, are you still considering the implant?  Again, don't give up on options. 

Gene214   

Posted 10/22/2008 7:19 AM (GMT -8)

My wife has lost some interest in sex since my surgery.  Most of our sex before surgery was spontaneous and not planned.  Now we have to plan it.  As she says that takes a lot of the excitement out of it for her.  We gotten better at the planning but our frequency is down a lot from before the surgery.  When we do have sex it is as good as before for both of us.  I am glad there has been no change in the quality.

Tamu

Posted 10/22/2008 9:00 AM (GMT -8)
Gene214,
I took a blood test, as requested by the insurance co, a few days ago as part of the approval process for implant surgery. At this point I'm doing the leg work, but still have no immediate plans for surgery. (The approval, if it goes through, is good for at least 6 months). If the insurance co does not agree to pay, I will not be able to have the surgery anyway.
In the meantime, I'm waiting on an appointment with my local urologist to discuss bi/tri mix options. As far as I know, this is my last non-surgical option.
Smokie
Posted 10/22/2008 3:53 PM (GMT -8)
Chas, Have you asked your uro to check your hormone levels? With a sexy young wife who wants sex often and you with the ability to get a firm erection you should have more desire. Bob
Posted 10/23/2008 5:19 AM (GMT -8)

Chas,

I agree with Bob. Get yor testosterone levels checked. I had serious problems after my surgery with Hypogonadizm. I unfortunatly didn't know it for 3 1/2 miserable years. My doctors had no idea either. After much research on sites like this one and some big help from some friends here, I've found that I'm not alone. The trauma to your testicles from the surgery, I had a Radical, can cause them to stop producing T. I've met numerous guys w/ the same problem. Although I feel much more manly now, I still have not regained my presurgery libido. Even after 5 years of zero PSA's my doc will not let my T level go above 400-500. I believe thats my lasting problem with desire. I'm thinking of getting a new doc but I had so much trouble finding this one who was willing to prescribe me TRT (testosterone replacement theropy) after having PC, most will not! It took me a while to find him, most are from the school, your throwing gasoline on the fire! But anyway, it couldn't hurt getting you T checked, if it is low at least you'll know whats causing your low drive!

Your friend,

Pete 

Posted 10/23/2008 7:37 AM (GMT -8)
I know this is a hugely variable issue, but thought I'd share my experience. Once my wife and I got over the shock of the diagnosis we started talking about the implications for our sex life. We realized that things were going to change but that we wanted to stay intimate. We had lots of sex pre surgery (it was like a free pass for sex whenever--not quite worth the price of admission but lots of fun!!) plus we tried to work on ways of being intimate without penetration. Lots of foreplay; we visited adult toy stores and picked out things my wife thought might be fun; we got a tantric board game; lots of talk and practice. I'm not that far out from surgery so I can't speak to the long term benefit but while I'm frustrated with the loss of erections thus far our intimacy if anything is increased--more time spent on loving, more communication, more closeness from dealing with this stuff together.

Paul
Posted 10/24/2008 3:39 AM (GMT -8)
yes, Jeff and I have had times where we just don't want to have sex and anything to do with it. sometimes I'll ask Jeff to take a pill and he just looks at me, other times he's taken a pill and then told me but I've already planned on doing other things. sometimes he takes a pill but doesn't get a good erection but we can still play around and have orgasms. I seem to handle that better than Jeff. He still thinks we both need to have intercourse to have pleasure. it's been an interesting learning experience; we feel emotionally closer and have more foreplay fun than before. and as a wife, I love not having to clean up afterwards. :) yes, we miss the spontaneity but even that has happened a few times. I think it's important to be able to talk about our feelings. take care and I hope it gets better, kat
Posted 10/24/2008 3:50 AM (GMT -8)
Sebring,

It's been a trial of emotions for both of you. Give her the same amount of time you would want for yourself. It takes a bit of time to adjust to recent life changes. Traumatic, highly emotional experiences will affect each person differently. Keep the lines of communication open. It'll get better :>)

Swim
Posted 10/24/2008 6:21 AM (GMT -8)
Chas,
I'm sorry if you misunderstood me, I didn't suggest that you take testosterone, only that it might be a cause of your low sex drive. My T level was down to 150 when I dicovered that it was low and went lower before I started TRT. I would never advise anyone who had PC to use testosterone, I'm not a doctor nor do I want to be. I was just relaying my experiance to you and others. My TRT was a very personal choise I made, I was willing to take the chance of like you and 10 other doctors told me, about the one stray cancer cell in me just waiting to be fed testosterone, to have a descent quality of life again! I was to the point I really did not want to live like that anymore and this one urolagist realized that if he did not help me, I might not be around long evough for anyone to. I may sound dramatic but, it really was that bad. I apologize for bringing it up. I used to post here religously but stopped because I was always having to defend myself and my actions. It will not happen again.
Your friend,
Pete
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