In my opinion you have every right to feel the way that you do. You are not a baby. You are quite reasonably worried sick and pissed off. Nobody blames you. At least I don't. So far it seems that I am more fortunate than you. I have done nothing to deserve being so lucky. I am not Mr. Wonderful. Just dumb a++ lucky.
I wish I had words to help. Words to warm your heart. Words to comfort you in your sorrow. Words to give you hope. Words to ease your fear.
I don't hang around here much anymore. I can't stand the emotion, but your post has touched my heart and I feel for you Brother. I too, can barely see the screen.
August of 2006, PSA up to 4.2 from 2.7 one year ago.
October free and total PSA 12% free and 5.0 total.
A month, or so later, 4.7.
Late in the year decide on Image Guided IMRT.
Begin 43 treatments on January 23, 2007 and finish on March 23.
Wow, almost two years behind. I had a typical radiation bounce that
scared me, but it seems to be ok. PSA is about 1.0 which is ok for
a rad guy at this stage of the game.
Got my FAA medical certificate back four months after starting my
treatment. It's still a First Class, just jumping through a few hoops.