my partner (rob) has passed

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lifeline
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 3/5/2009 7:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello everyone: I'm sorry i haven't posted in quite awhile. It's been a really rough past few months. Rob lost his fight with this blank cancer on January 8 2009. Rob's cancer took the use of his hands and the last month his eyes which were progressively getting worse for the last few months before his passing. I guess i never really excepted that he was losing his battle because the last 2 days of his life i kept talking like he would still be here in the end. Now when i look back at pictures of him at Xmas, i see how sick he really was. I think when he lost the use of his eyes that he gave up. Looking at the pictures i see how sad he looked. I was just so focused on keeping him here that i became selfish in my quest. I have lost all faith after all my prayers for him to win this war failed.  I don't know how to understand why he lost and i don't know how to believe that he is okay and not alone now. I wanted so much to believe that he would make it and and I want to believe that when i pass we will be together again.  Right now i don't believe in anything. My believes are shattered.  This home is so empty without him and this pain is unbearable. I don't mean to bring anyone down with how i feel, i just wanted to let all of you know about his passing. I hope everyone keeps fighting and wins their own battles. Right now the tears will barely let me see the computer anymore so i will go for now.  I will post again when i can. Thank you all for your ongoing support and words of encouragment. Lifeline

Purgatory
Elite Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25380
   Posted 3/5/2009 7:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Good evening, Lifeline

You are not selfish, you are loving and giving. You are grieving, upset, and even angry. You have lost the one you love. I share in your grief and pain even though I didn't know Rob or you. Cancer is a cruel master and it took what you cherished the most. I wish you peace in your heart and in your mind, and may you find comfort over time. My heart goes out to you.

David in SC
Age 56, 56 at DX, PSA 7/7 5.8, 7/8 12.3,9/8 14.5
3rd Biopsy Sept 08: Positive 7 of 7 cores, 40-90%, Gleason 7, 4+3
Open RP surgery 11/14/8, Right nerves spared, 4 days hospital, staples out 11/24/8, 5th cath out on 1/19/9
Post-surgery Pathlogy Report:Gleason 3+4=7, pT2c, 42 grm, tumor 20%, Contained in capsular, clear margins, clear lymph nodes 
First PSA Post Surgery   2/9 .05, 6 month on 5/9
 
 


sandstorm
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 194
   Posted 3/5/2009 8:19 PM (GMT -6)   
lifeline

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I carried the casket of a great human being, who touched mine and many other lives in my community just 8 days ago. I know your pain but I can only offer my wishes for your inner peace and my prayers. (no offense) Life renews itself and you shall too.
Age at DX 57
5-18-07 PSA 7.7
5-06-08 PSA 4.6  8% free psa, but stable
10-23-08 PSA 5.65 4% free psa
11-04-08 biopsy
11-11-08 2 of 12 cores positive
Gleason 3+3  6  stage t1c / post-op 3+4  7  stage t2c
CT and Bone scan negative
Da Vinci RRP 01-09-09
Catheter removed 1-15-09
Pathology Report says it's gone!
First Post-op PSA 2-17-09   0.00


Tony Crispino
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 8128
   Posted 3/5/2009 9:59 PM (GMT -6)   
lifeline,
My tears flow with yours. I hate this stupid disease. I just don't have much to say except that my heart is broken too. We all get to be friends here and it is unbearable to lose a friend or their loved one. Your prayers did not heal Robs body. I always view prayer as for our souls not just what we see. I lost my mother one year ago tomorrow. I still feel that pain. I prayed that she would not suffer and that she would be received in heaven. I knew she was dying. I knew it was just part of the plan. We all will at some point, our stay here is brief. For me, my faith is in the unseen. It's kinda complicated but I did not lose my faith one year ago, I lost my mother here on Earth. And with the grace of God I will see her again. And if it's ok, I will pray for your reunion with Rob when it is time.

I am so very sorry for your loss. May you find peace...I do believe that Rob has again.

Always your friend.

Tony
Age 46 (44 when Dx)
Pre-op PSA was 19.8 : Surgery at The City of Hope on February 16, 2007
Geason 4+3=7, Stage pT3b, N0, Mx
Positive Margins (PM), Extra Prostatic Extension (EPE) : Bilateral Seminal vesicle invasion (SVI)
HT began in May, '07 with Lupron and Casodex 50mg (2 Year ADT)
IMRT radiation for 38 Treatments ending August 3, '07
Current PSA (January 13, 2009): <0.1
 
My Journal is at Tony's Blog  
 
STAY POSITIVE!


Gordy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 528
   Posted 3/5/2009 10:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Lifeline-

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

Your early posts about Rob touched something very deep inside me and myman and I e-mailed each other many times, trying to come up with viable suggestions to pass on to you for Rob's care.

While I'm crying right now, over the last several months I've essentially become numbed by thoughts of prostate and all the other cancers which have attacked my wife, taken my parents, my relatives and my friends, some of whom like Rob, I've never met but about whom I've cared very much. I've been lauded on this site many times in the past for my supposed courage. Whether I had courage back then or not is a moot point, I have very little now.

You have my deepest condolences.

-Les

Steve n Dallas
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 4834
   Posted 3/6/2009 6:45 AM (GMT -6)   
So very sorry to hear about your loss. Our thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family
Age 54   - 5'11"   205lbs
Overall Heath Condition - Good
PSA - July 2007 & Jan 2008 -> 1.3
Biopsy - 03/04/08 -> Gleason 6 
 
06/25/08 - Da Vinci robotic laparoscopy
Catheter in for five weeks.
Dry after 3 months.
 
10/03/08 - 1st Quarter PSA -> less then .01
01/16/09 - 2nd Quarter PSA -> less then .01
Surgeon - Keith A. Waguespack, M.D.
 


zufus
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3149
   Posted 3/6/2009 6:59 AM (GMT -6)   
You might want to contact the organization www.ustoo.org national support group, I believe they have groups within groups for widows and family members, coping, supporting one another etc.
Do not lose all faith in the face of this terrible loss to you, that will not help you get through this or heal your wounds.

Sorry about your loss.


 

Post Edited (zufus) : 3/6/2009 9:26:04 AM (GMT-7)


Ripandburn
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 3/6/2009 7:18 AM (GMT -6)   
Lifeline,

I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. Even though I don't know you personally, I have read many posts that you have been a part of. This is a horrible thing that damages families. It's just not fair. So many good people. It does seem tough to keep your faith at times like these, but God will never give us more than we can bear. I know that it seems like the world has come to an end for you, but God has a plan for all of us and we all need to keep the faith.

All my prayers are with you!

Jerry
53 years - 5' 11" 202 lbs.
T1c 3+3=6
DaVinci July 16, 2007
Bladder Sling installed during prostate removal
nerve sparing with both nerve bundles intact
all cancer contained within prostate nothing near margins
11 weeks post-op - no more pads
all PSA's since removal < .1 - Undetectable


Magaboo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 1210
   Posted 3/6/2009 3:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Lifeline,

Please accept my deepest condolences on the passing of your beloved partner. I have lost my partner many years ago and feel your pain. Life goes on. Perhaps better memories from past times will help you to ease the pain. It has helped me.
My thoughts are with you.

Magaboo
Born Sept 1936
PSA 7.9
-ve DRE
Gleason's Score 3+4=7, 2 of 8 positive
open RP 28 Nov 06, Post op staging T3a
Gleasons still 3+4=7
Seminal vesicles and lymph nodes clear
Catheter out 15 Dec 06, Dry since 11 Feb 07
All PSA tests in 2007 (4) <.04
PSA tests in 2008: Mar.=.04; Jun.=.05; Sept.=.08; 3 days before Rad Start=0.1
Salvage RT completed (33 sessions - 66 Grays) on the 19th Dec., 08.
PSA on the 26 Jan., 09, =0.05. PSA tests now every 6 month


JustJulie
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 3/6/2009 3:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Please accept my heartfelt condolances - my heart goes out to you.  You are a caring individual and I truly feel your pain - may you find some solace in knowing we share your grief.
 
Regards,
 
JustJulie
Husband diagnosed in December 2005
PSA of 3.74
Gleason 6
Brachytherapy (91 stranded seeds) April 2006
PSA of 0.39 - November 2008 - whoo hooo!
 


myman
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1219
   Posted 3/6/2009 3:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Kathy,
I'm so very sorry for your loss, the pain of which I cannot fantom.
I think we talked before about the place that you were in...having to walk where none of us want to go. Your love for Rob was just as obvious as the anguish you felt at seeing him fail. Yes, Rob suffered greatly - but no longer and I know for that, you are grateful. Selfish? I don't think so...afraid, angry and at a loss as to what you could do to help Rob? Yes! You spoke to us from your heart and gave us a window into the pain this disease brings. Somehow you made me feel stronger for sharing with all of us in such an honest and open way.
I know you have family who love and support you...that doesn't take the place of Rob but they are a part of your lives together. In that way you can see him.

Losing faith at this time is normal and that's okay. It will be there waiting for you.

My hope for you is this: that as you gain strength you'll let us know how you're doing. We need to hear from you (now that's selfish) and I hope that we can help.

Thinking of you,
Susan

Penguins
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/6/2009 4:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh my goodness, I am hugging you as I write this post.  Your sadness is overwhelming and no words have been spoken or written that can help right now.
Try to find some comfort that Rob is well now and out of pain.  He is complete again and waits for you.  When you see him, it will be as if you have never been apart.  For now he would want you to continue your life until that day comes.  He is with you every minute of the day and night, but the physical Rob is missing from you.  There is an empty space in your life, but never in your heart.  Keep his memory close, keep a picture by your bed, talk to him, and the tears will flow for some time to come.  For now put one foot in front of the other each day.  He knows how sad you are and he will try every way to comfort you, but it may be hard to recognize his efforts at this time. 
It is right to feel angry and hurt.  To love someone is to feel those things when you have lost them. 
One last hug before I leave you, my dear.  Have faith that you are being watched over every minute of your life and how much you are loved.

BillyMac
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 1858
   Posted 3/6/2009 5:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Lifeline,
Words cannot help lessen the sadness and grief I know you feel but I am deeply sorry to hear of your loss. But while Rob is no longer at your side he will be with you always. That is a part of the nature of the thing we call love. We carry those we love within us always and our precious shared memories are the ties will always bond us together.
Bill
1/05 PSA----2.9 3/06-----3.2 3/07-------4.1 5/07------3.9 All negative DREs
Aged 59 when diagnosed
Biopsy 6/07
4 of 10 cores positive for Adenocarcinoma-------bummer!
Core 1 <5%, core 2----50%, core 3----60%, core 4----50%
Biopsy Pathologist's comment:
Gleason 4+3=7 (80% grade 4) Stage T2c
Neither extracapsular nor perineural invasion is identified
CT scan and Bone scan show no evidence of metastases
Da Vinci RP Aug 10th 2007
Post-op pathology:
Positive for perineural invasion and 1 small focal extension
Negative at surgical margins, negative node and negative vesicle involvement
Some 4+4=8 identified ........upgraded to Gleason 8
PSA Oct 07 <0.1 undetectable
PSA Jan 08 <0.1 undetectable
PSA April 08 <0.001 undetectable (disregarded due to lab "misreporting")
PSA August 08 <0.001 undetectable (disregarded due to lab "misreporting")
Post-op pathology rechecked by new lab:
Gleason downgraded to 4+3=7
Focal extension comprised of grade 3 cells
PSA September 08 <0.01 (new lab)
PSA February 09 <0.01


jetguy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 741
   Posted 3/6/2009 7:07 PM (GMT -6)   

Dear lifeline,

My heart aches for you at this time of such great sorrow.  You are a giving and loving person and loved Rob dearly.  This intensifies your sorrow and misery at this time, but will give you comfort later.  You will come to understand that you did all that you could and gave comfort to Rob during his time of need.  I am in tears as I write this and I can only imagine your grief.  Time is a wonderful healer, but I expect there will always be an empty spot in your heart.  In time you will remember the good times and the joy and love.  You are a better person for having loved so well. 

My very best to you.

Regards,

Bill


August of 2006, PSA up to 4.2 from 2.7 one year ago. 
October free and total PSA 12% free and 5.0 total.
A month, or so later, 4.7.
Late in the year decide on Image Guided IMRT.
Begin 43 treatments on January 23, 2007 and finish on March 23.
 
Wow, almost two years behind.  I had a typical radiation bounce that
scared me, but it seems to be ok.  PSA is about 1.0 which is ok for
a rad guy at this stage of the game.
 
Got my FAA medical certificate back four months after starting my
treatment.  It's still a First Class, just jumping through a few hoops.


biker90
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1464
   Posted 3/6/2009 7:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Lifeline,

You are a lifeline for all of us here on HW. Whether our outcomes are glad or sad we are all stronger for having shared each others lives for a while. Grief, doubt and anger are natural for a while after a tragedy such as you have endured. You will get your serenity back. Please know that MaryLu and I are with you all the way...

Jim
Age 74. Diagnosed 11/03/06. PSA 7.05. Stage T2C Gleason 3+3.
RRP 12/7/06. Nerves and nodes okay.
Catheter out on 12/13/06. Dry on 12/14/06.
Pathological stage: T2C N0 MX. Gleason 3+4.
50 mg Viagra + .04 cc Trimix = Excellent Results
PSAs from 1/3/07 - 7/17/08 0.00.
PSA on 1/28/09 - 0.02
Lung cancer dxed on 5/16/08. Surgery on 6/25/08 T1N1M0 - Stage IIA Finished 4 cycles of chemo on 11/7/08.
CT scans on 12/2/08 & 2/25/09 - in remission!!!
Next scan in May 09.
Biker90's Journey
Jim's Space
"Patience is essential, attitude is everything."


mikey1955
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 673
   Posted 3/6/2009 7:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Lifeline...I am sorry for your loss. There probably isn't anything I could say that would make things better. Life is precious. Cancer is horrible. From what you have written it sounds like you have lived and loved well with Rob. You are in my thoughts. With all my heart, I wish you the best...Mike
Lower left groin hernia: mesh and large scar: surgery early 2006
Nov/Dec 07 and March 08 and now Dec 08: Severe perineal pain (between scrotum and rectum). Septra/Bactrim for 8 months (Nov 07-Jun 08) for diagnosed prostatitis.
PSA start of 2008: 5.3..... PSA June of 2008: 7.3
8 DRE all benign or nothing felt
TRUS Biopsy Nov 08: Got copy of pathology recently (see below).
General Health: pretty good, 5' 10", 180 lbs, slim.
Bone scan Dec 08: Negative
Biopsy Pathology: 5 of 8 cores positive, adenocarinoma in both lobes. 30%-65%. One core perineural invasion. All cores, 3+3 GS 6.
 


Doting Daughter
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1064
   Posted 3/6/2009 8:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Lifeline-
My heart breaks for you and I am angry for you. Cancer sucks. It is absolutely terrifying and I hope and pray that each new day brings strength and peace. You have been so supportive of so many of us during our struggles with PC and we are here for you during this time. You have been such a large part of our family here at HW and Rob's passing is horrible news for all of us. Please know that we mourn with you and will continue to be here. Please keep us close.
Father's Age 62 (now 63)
Original Gleason 3+4=7, Post-Op Gleason- 4+3=7,
DaVinci Surgery Aug 31, 2007
Focally Positive Right Margin, One positive node. T3a N1 M0.
Bone Scan/CT Negative (Sept. 10, 2007)
Oct. 17 PSA 0.07
Nov. 13 PSA 0.05
Casodex adm. Nov 07, Lupron beg. Dec 03, 2007 2 yrs
Radiation March 03-April 22, 2008- 8 weeks 5x a week
July 2, 08 PSA <.02
Oct. 10, 08 PSA <.02
Praying for a cured dad.

Co-Moderator Prostate Cancer Forum


Todd1963
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 3218
   Posted 3/6/2009 8:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Lifeline,
I know at a time like this that words can never take the pain away. Please know that everyone here is grieving with you and you will be in my prayers. Todd
dx:06/03/06
Age at dx: 42 age now 45
Treated for sciatic nerve pain 6 months prior to dx.
Heavy amount of blood in urine Unable to urinate 
Lung x-ray for pnumonia revealed multiple lesions in each lung
P.S.A. at time of dx. 3216.14
Began lupron and casodex
Cat scan showed large mass in the pelvic area affecting the bladder multiple nodules in both lungs and lymph node envolvement.
Bone scan revealed possible bone involvment in the pelvic area
Biopsy 12 of 12 cores positive gleason 3+4=7
P.S.A.s since lupron 2946, 1274, 532, 5.01 1.23, .09
Begining jan 08 psa .o9, .25, .44, .86, .73, 1.34, 1.49. Doubling time is a little over 3 months
Cat Scan 12/12/08 Prostate normal size and shape. No tumors detected. Left lung clear of all nodules right lung showing only benign scar tissue. Lymph nodes normal
Bone Scan 12/24/08. Clean!!! went off casodex January 4 2009
Current psa 2/13/09 .16


strawberry man
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 3/6/2009 8:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Life line -

Saying a prayer for you right now. Someday we may understand why bad things happen to us and ones we love.

Charlie

Dx 4/21/08 psa 9.7  Age 58 OMG

Biopsy results  3 areas of  3+3=6 gleason

Di Vinci surgery 6/3/08

Post op 3 months and 6 months -  all clear

0 psa TYG  (thank you God)


Ralph Alfalfa
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 469
   Posted 3/6/2009 9:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Lifeline,
Take comfort in knowing that you did what you could. Love and comfort are the two things that we can offer , as well as a prayer that peace be forever with the ones we love. I am so sorry for Rob's passing.
All the best,
Bob
 AGE:57
 Dx: October,27(the day after my birthday)
 Psa 14.5
 Gleason:(4+3) 7 T1c
 Bone scan:Negative
 Cat scan: Negative
 Biopsy: 4 of 12 positive, left side, pre-cancerous on the right.
 Confined to prostate.
 DaVinci scheduled for Jan. 19, 2009.Dr. Scott Montgomery, KC Urology,
Shawnee Mission Med. Center. Kansas


Swimom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 1732
   Posted 3/6/2009 11:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Dearest Lifeline,

Paul and I join evryone here in saying our thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones. May you find peace in time.

swim
 


Ken S
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 120
   Posted 3/7/2009 6:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Lifeline,

My words can't possibly express how bad I feel about your loss. I've been a member here for 2 1/2 years and of all the fantastic posts I've read from all these fantastic people your posts have touched me the most. What came through loud and clear from your posts (excuse me I had to get a tissue to wipe the tears) is you are one strong and courageous lady. Life is a journey with hills and valleys, twists and turns - you never know what's around the next bend but know that the sun will shine again and laughter will return. Rob will always be in your heart, memories will pop up and you'll smile - nothing can take that away.

You can get through this and you will get through this. Although I can't offer you prayers because it's not part of my belief system, believe that you are in my thoughts as you have been from your very first post. You've touched a lot of people here and we want to touch back with our heartfelt wishes of peace and happiness.

Ken
Age 54 (2006)
PSA: 2005 - 3.2, 2006 - 3.7
Biopsy 8/06, Gleason 6 (3+3), T1c
Radical Retropubic Prostatectomy 11/3/06
Memorial Hospital, Pawtucket, RI
Post-Op Biopsy, Gleason 6 (3+3), T2c,
right apical margin positive
CT Scan 1/07, tumor discovered on right
kidney (unrelated to PCa)
Partial Nephrectomy 3/9/07
R.I. Hospital, Providence, RI
IMRT (37 Treatments) 4/23/07 - 6/14/07
PSA: 11/08 - 0.03


James C.
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 4462
   Posted 3/7/2009 11:16 AM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the anger, hurt and snese of loss. Know that you have my prayers and that your Forum family is keeping you in our thoughts daily as you go through this difficult time.
James C. Age 62
Co-Moderator- Prostate Cancer Forum
4/07 PSA 7.6, referred to Urologist, recheck 6.7
7/07 Biopsy: 3 of 16 PCa, 5% involved, left lobe, GS 3/3=6
9/07 Nerve sparing open RRP- Path Report: GS 3+3=6 Stg. pT2c, 110gms, margins clear
16 mts: ED- 50 mg Viagra 3X week, pump daily,Trimix .35ml 2X week continues
PSA's: .04 each 3 months


creed_three
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 762
   Posted 3/7/2009 2:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Lifeline, You were a true lifeline to your beloved Rob and that came through so clearly in all your posts. Such a deep love will stay within you, and around you. Our thoughts are with you in your sorrow, and like everyone here we share your great sadness at Rob's passing. Lana & CJ.
Creed_three
Husband 51 yrs (49 years at diagnosis)
PSA (2002) 2.1.  PSA (2006) 3.5.  1 x (5%) core of 12 positive at biopsy. 11 cores negative. Open Radical Prostatectomy with nerve sparing April 2007. Gleeson 3 + 4 = 7.   Undetectable PSA since Surgery (< 0.1) specifically,  
June 2007: 0.01; Oct 2007: 0.02; April 2008: 0.02: October 2008: 0.03: November, 2008 (repeat PSA with instructions to lab to calibrate carefully) = 0.02.
 


LJF
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 3/7/2009 11:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Don't ever be sorry for your grief as the reality of it continues to sink in. Its hard to lose anyone in your life, especially someone so very close to your heart. Its OK to feel the way you do.

If you haven't already done so, now may be the time to think about sharing these feelings with family, friends, a support group or anyone else you feel comfortable with in sharing this tremendous loss in your life and what it means to you.

Its OK to grieve, be sad, be angry, depressed, lonely or all of the above all at once some days. You may be surprised at the little things that bring this up for you again-a song on a radio, a TV show, a movie, anything the 2 of you shared.

Please realize everyone processes a death in their own way and time. Others have moved on and perhaps you feel as if you can't right now. That's OK too.

Be kind to yourself. Do something nice for you. Go for a walk in the sun, touch a flower, if you have a pet share your tears and hugs, enjoy a favorite piece of music, anything safe that helps lighten the load even if its just for a little while.

At night or when you feel it , pick up the phone or turn on your compuer and reach out. Time really does help to heal. Give yourself the time you need to deal with this. It does get better.

Thoughts are with you at this time and know many others, incl me, understand what your are experiencing right now.
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