How long should a wife wait?

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Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 3/22/2009 6:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Don't mean to sound selfish, but when should a wife initiate intimacy? Or should I let him make the first move? Maybe you can give me your point of view with this matter. I can tell my husband would like to try something, but i think he's afraid.
He had RR 3 months ago.. Would apprieciate your advice.. thx.. God Bless

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 3/22/2009 7:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Go for it snuggle up. My wife did at about 8 weeks she said she was tired of waiting. I'm afraid it's still just using our hands though and the vibrator.
I'm to see my specialist soon and we will be discussing things but have learned lots on this forum.
Good luck.

Elite Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25393
   Posted 3/22/2009 7:04 PM (GMT -6)   
My wife waited patiently for me to "return" after my open surgery. Mine was delayed because of being on a catheter for 63 days. Shortly after, we started making up for all the lost time. You two need to do what works best for you. Appreciate you joining us here at HW.

David in SC
Age 56, 56 at DX, PSA 7/7 5.8, 7/8 12.3,9/8 14.5
3rd Biopsy Sept 08: Positive 7 of 7 cores, 40-90%, Gleason 7, 4+3
Open RP surgery 11/14/8, Right nerves spared, 4 days hospital, staples out 11/24/8, 5th cath out on 1/19/9
Post-surgery Pathlogy Report:Gleason 3+4=7, pT2c, 42 grm, tumor 20%, Contained in capsular, clear margins, clear lymph nodes 
First PSA Post Surgery   2/9 .05, 6 month on 5/9

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3149
   Posted 3/22/2009 7:13 PM (GMT -6)   

My guess is that for him (probably like myself and others herein), a great back scratch or foot massage is close enough for us (whom might be lacking otherwise), it is comparable to sex. Well, ok it is maybe the next best thing and you can show intimacy and maybe he will get the hint and do the same for you or better (drop the hint gig after you tell him how wonderful he is). Intimate can be on a different level and with some of us, will have to be as such.  Be totally supportive of him no matter how it goes. cool

That is my .02 today to offer on this, maybe I am in the minority being on adt3 drugs and related PCa control drugs. smilewinkgrin




Ed C. (Old67)
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 2460
   Posted 3/22/2009 7:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Before my surgery, I could get an erection instantly. Now I have permanent ED because all the nerves were severed. I was reluctant to start any sexual advances. I felt like I was damaged goods. I have learned to accept that and my wife is very understanding. We both realize that we can still enjoy intimacy and sex in different ways. Go ahead and make the first move. I he is like me he is probably afraid to go first.
Age: 67
Retired in 2001 and living in Austin TX.
PSA 3.5 free PSA 11%
Dx 12/30/08
2 cores out of 12 were positive Gleason (4+4) and (4+5)
Negative CT scan and bone scan done on 1/16
Robotic surgery performed on Feb 9th
Surgeon: Dr. Randy Fagin, Austin TX.
Post op Pathology report:
Prostate weighed 57 grams
size:5.2 x 5.0 x 4.9 cm
10-20% involved
Gleason 4+4
both nerve bundles removed,
pT3a Nx Mx
Negative margins
Lymph nodes: not dissected
seminal vesicles clean

Ralph Alfalfa
Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 469
   Posted 3/22/2009 8:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Go for it. The worst he can say is, "Not tonight. I have a headache." Hmmm. Where have I heard that before? There is a learning curve to this but, over time, you'll both learn to adjust.

Good luck,
 Dx: October,27(the day after my birthday)
 Psa 14.5
 Gleason:(4+3) 7 T1c
 Bone scan:Negative
 Cat scan: Negative
 Biopsy: 4 of 12 positive, left side, pre-cancerous on the right.
 Confined to prostate.
 DaVinci Jan. 19th, No lymph node involvement, all margins clear.
 8 week PSa <0.01
 Gleason downgraded to (3+4)7

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 3/23/2009 9:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Please forgive me and feel free to remove this if it is too crass:
but honey he has a mouth, tongue, and fingers (and actually academic studies have shown that women have better and longer orgasms with oral and gspot stimlation, rather then with penile penatration, perhaps you can do your own study...and he can add the penile penatration when he feels comfortable) Perhaps a start might be to have him write the alphabet with his tongue...
and if there is always the vibrators (sinclair, passion parties, etc. are good sites on the internet that come in very normal looking packages, I would suggest the one with both clit and gspot stimulation expect to pay about 30-50 bucks)
Ed, you are not damaged goods. Like I said above that women have better orgasms with oral according to the guggenhiem (I know I am misspelling that) institute (they have a marriage and family therapy program that focus on sex therapy with illness especially).
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 3/23/2009 9:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Communicate...communicate....communicate!  Talk with him...there is nothing more intimate than honestly sharing feelings with someone you love about any situation.  I would think he needs to know the two of you are in this together.

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 194
   Posted 3/23/2009 3:50 PM (GMT -6)   
It's time to give it a try snuggleup. Give it a go.
Age at DX 57
5-18-07 PSA 7.7
5-06-08 PSA 4.6  8% free psa, but stable
10-23-08 PSA 5.65 4% free psa
11-04-08 biopsy
11-11-08 2 of 12 cores positive
Gleason 3+3  6  stage t1c / post-op 3+4  7  stage t2c
CT and Bone scan negative
Da Vinci RRP 01-09-09
Catheter removed 1-15-09
Pathology Report says it's gone!
First Post-op PSA 2-17-09   0.00

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 270
   Posted 3/23/2009 11:07 PM (GMT -6)   
This is a somewhat sensitive subject for most of us men who are not use to being sensitive. Having ED for the first time has a tendency to make the playing field a little more challenging. I am sure your husband wants more than anything to please you, but may have some feelings of not really knowing how you feel or what to do. From my perspective, I would tell you to encourage him, be honest and upfront with him, show affection in every manner possible, but with some low initial expectations.

As time goes on, most of us have found injections or other ways to happiness, but for some of us there must be the recognition that things will never be exactly the same. That is not to say they are still not good - there must be some adaption. That is life. Regardless, the love affair continues.

Age 61 (now 62)
Original data - pre-operation
PSA: 5.1
T1C clinical diagnosis, Needle biopsy - 10 cores, Gleason 7 = 3+4 in 1 core (40%), 7 cores Gleason 6 = 3+3 ranging from 5% to 12%
All scans negative
Lupron administered 4/9/2008 for 4 months (with idea I would undergo external beam radiation followed by seed implants - then I changed my mind).
Robotic DiVinci surgery - Dr. Fagin (Austin) May 19th
Post operative - pathology
pT2c NX MX
Gleason 3+4
Margins - negative
Extraprostatic extension - negative
seminal vesicle invasion - uninvolved
1st Post PSA <.04
2nd Post PSA <.01 10/30/2008

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 3/25/2009 8:38 AM (GMT -6)   

Its a little more than "communicatiion" X 3.  Maybe more like: "open, honest, communication".  After my cath was removed, I remember ********** for over a week every night after she went to bed.  It was like playing with a wet noodle.  Don't remember how we got started back, but it was probably her.

Things arn't doing all that well even now, and over the past three years, I even told her if she needed to step out on me, it was okay.


Diagnosed: Sep/Oct 05 with PSA 6.1

Biopsy: Nov 05  4+2   (first was scheduled in Oct, but I walked out on the doctor.)

Surgery May 06  PSA < 0 ever since  Lathroscopic: prostate was so small, he had difficulty saving nerves on left side
This erection thing has been a roller coaster.  Sometimes Viagra seemed to work, sometimes (3) time I made penetration without it.  Had a couple of near misses with morning erections too.  Tried the injectons (bimix) after the vacume device....wrong answer again.  Doc changed me to trimix.....painful erections.
Went back to the vacume device until recently.  Back on Viagra and bimix.  Improved.  Just wish I could get harder.
Hope this helps.  Good luck. wink

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1382
   Posted 4/10/2009 10:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Love is an amazing thing. Take your time and allow him to heal physically and emotionally. Love him with all your heart and I believe when the time is right the magic will be there.

peace and love
My PSA at diagnosis was 16.3
age 46 (current)
My gleason score from prostate was 4+5=9 and from the lymph nodes was 4+4=8
I had 44 IMRT's
Currently on Lupron
I go to The Cancer Treatment Center of America
Married with two kids
latest PSA 5-27-08 0.11
PSA July 24th, 2008 is 0.04
PSA Dec 16th, 2008 is .016
PSA Mar 30th, 2009 is .02
Testosterone keeps rising, the current number is 156, up from 57 in May
T level dropped to 37 Mar 30th, 2009
cancer in 4 of 6 cores

Roger G
Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 4/13/2009 11:24 AM (GMT -6)   
My wife has waited for me to return to form for over 18 months now. We have snuggled, and we have used many alternative means but it not the same. Both never bundle were supposedly sparred but Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra do nothing other than the side effects.

I DO FEEL like broken goods… Broken goods that will remain broken for another 40 years.

I'm glad to be alive, I'm glad that my PSAs are coming in at zero, but I feel depressed none the less. This is completely irrational considering some of the VERY serious problem some of our colleagues on this board are facing. I can live with my issues.

I have my 18 month follow up next week in Hamilton, and plan to discuss this with him. I hope he can help.

Age: 44 (42 when diagnosed)
DRE Small Ridge on prostate, PSA 1.5
07/2007: Diagnosed cancer, T2c, Gleason 3+4=7
09/2007: Laparoscopic prostectomy @ Hamilton General, 4 hrs.
01/2008: Still working on ED.

Elite Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25393
   Posted 4/13/2009 12:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Roger, at your current age, 44, I can certainly understand the depression and feelings related to your continued ED issues. From reading everyone stats on HW, I am still not convinced that whether they save both side, left side, right side, or no sides, it makes any consistent difference with ED. There must be other factors at work, i.e. surgical margins, shock to the remaining nerve(s), each man's immune systems, there has to be something else at play, but I have no medical knowledge to back up that feeling. Hope your 18 month goes well for you, as much as we all want the ED to be gone, the single most important thing, especially at your tender age, is to be rid of a cancer that is evil from end to end. My best for you, my brother.

David in SC
Age 56, 56 at DX, PSA 7/7 5.8, 7/8 12.3,9/8 14.5
3rd Biopsy Sept 08: Positive 7 of 7 cores, 40-90%, Gleason 7, 4+3
Open RP surgery 11/14/8, Right nerves spared, 4 days hospital, staples out 11/24/8, 5th cath out on 1/19/9
Post-surgery Pathlogy Report:Gleason 3+4=7, pT2c, 42 grm, tumor 20%, Contained in capsular, clear margins, clear lymph nodes 
First PSA Post Surgery   2/9 .05, 6 month on 5/9

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1464
   Posted 4/13/2009 2:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Snuggle,

Don't give up!!!! Nerve healing takes a long time and there are drugs that can overcome ED in the meantime. My ED PA told us to have sex 4 times in the week after he took out the catheter. Of course that didn't work but it gave us the incentive to try and not be afraid of hurting anything.

After several months of frustration we finally went to Trimix injections. The first ones hurt like the devil because the recommended dosage was way too much. Each guy is different and this is one area where "one size fits all" medicine just doesn't work. We could have sex the good old fashioned way but it was not very pleasant. I experimented with various combinations of Viagra (from ADC) and Trimix for the next few weeks before I hit on the combination that works best for us. It works!!!! Sex is better than ever because we go till we want to quit instead of just quitting when I'm done.

Good luck girl....

Age 74. Diagnosed 11/03/06. PSA 7.05. Stage T2C Gleason 3+3.
RRP 12/7/06. Nerves and nodes okay.
Catheter out on 12/13/06. Dry on 12/14/06.
Pathological stage: T2C N0 MX. Gleason 3+4.
50 mg Viagra + .04 cc Trimix = Excellent Results
PSAs from 1/3/07 - 7/17/08 0.00.
PSA on 1/28/09 - 0.02
Lung cancer dxed on 5/16/08. Surgery on 6/25/08 T1N1M0 - Stage IIA Finished 4 cycles of chemo on 11/7/08.
CT scans on 12/2/08 & 2/25/09 - in remission!!!
Next scan in May 09.
Biker90's Journey
"Patience is essential, attitude is everything."

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 422
   Posted 4/14/2009 10:57 AM (GMT -6)   

Snuggle & others...

I don't think I saw mentioned in this thread the alternative of a penile implant.  It's way too early for your man, Snuggle, but guys & gals, don't forget this alternative.  It is a last alternative, but take it from someone (wife & I) whose got their love-lives back together, it could not be better... except for never needing it in the first place.


PC diagnosed 12-06 @ age 63
Radical open removal 2-14-07, Gleason 3+3=6
Removal of stricture 6-07, incontinence continues
Scheduled for AUS & IPP 05-08
Surgeon cancelled one day pre-surgery, due to cardiac concerns
Nuclear stress 5/13/08
3 stents 5/27
AUS, IPP implanted 07-16-08
AUS, IPP was activated on 08-18-08.  They both work!
10-20-08 went back to surgeon for a follow-up.  Both devices are working very good and surgeon was very pleased that I am very pleased.

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 5/4/2009 5:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks all for your insight into this sensitive matter. My husband and I are fortunate to have a loving caring relationship where we can talk about anything and everything under the sun.Unfortunately, for some reason I needed to confer with my extened family in knowing that i wouldn't hurt his feelings if things didn't work. Anyhow, tried but he ended up  not getting an erection,and getting an orgasm where urine came out. Is this a normal part of the healing process? Will things get better? Thanks All

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 5/4/2009 6:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, I had it happen the first couple of months. After more healing, the urine went away.
Age 60
PSA 2007 4.1
PSA 2008 10.0
Diagnosed April 2008
Biopsy: 6 of 12 cores positive
Gleason 4 + 5 = 9
CT and Bone Scan negative
Open surgery at Shawnee Mission Medical Center May 21, 2008
Right side nerves spared
Radical prostatectomy and lymph node dissection
Cather removed on June 3rd, totally dry on July 9th
lymph nodes negative
PSA Sept 28, 2008 0.00
PSA Jan 22, 2009 0.00

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 990
   Posted 5/5/2009 10:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Sometimes the right time to talk is at a neutral time -- when there is no expectation that something will happen right now. Make a simple plan in the morning, talk about it during the day. Go back to being young -- you don't have to "hit a home run" on the first date.
Age at diagnosis 67, PSA 5.5
Biopsy 12/08 12 cores, 8 positive
Gleason 3 + 4 = 7
CAT scan 1/09 negative, Bone scan 1/09 negative

Robotic surgery 03/03/09 Catheter Removed 03/08/09
Post surgical pathology report. Lymph nodes negative, Seminal vesicles negative
Surgical margins positive, Capsular penetration extensive Gleason 4 + 3 = 7

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 990
   Posted 5/5/2009 6:30 PM (GMT -6)   
I just remembered, on another thread a member mentioned using a condom for the urine ejaculation issue. This could also help if he has leakage on foreplay. If you get extra-large he can put them on even if not very stiff. Oh, and as someone else noted, urine is sterile even if not much fun.
Age at diagnosis 67, PSA 5.5
Biopsy 12/08 12 cores, 8 positive
Gleason 3 + 4 = 7
CAT scan 1/09 negative, Bone scan 1/09 negative

Robotic surgery 03/03/09 Catheter Removed 03/08/09
Post surgical pathology report. Lymph nodes negative, Seminal vesicles negative
Surgical margins positive, Capsular penetration extensive Gleason 4 + 3 = 7

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 5/7/2009 4:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks all for your input. Unfourtuntely, We tried, but he ended up having a weak orgasm without an erection. A bit of urine seeped out, and that was it. Has this happened to you? Need reassurance..Is there hop? Bless all of you,, TC

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 966
   Posted 5/7/2009 5:11 PM (GMT -6)   
snuggleup....I believe that is the case for most men at first. But yes there is hope and typically your guy will get that under control in the coming months. Best to make sure to empty the bladder as much as possible...and a little bit of limiting the intake of fluids several hours in advance will help too.

Just hang in there and don't loose any hope...that's the main thing.
You are beating back cancer, so hold your head up with dignity
Age 58 at Diagnosis
Oct 2006 - PSA 2.6 - DRE Normal
May 2008 - PSA 4.6 - DRE Normal / TRUS normal
July 2008 - Biopsy 4 of 12 Positive 5 - 30% Involved Bilateral w/PNI - Gleason (3+3)6 Stage T1C
Robotic Surgery Sept 18, 2008
Pathology October 1, 2008 - Gleason 7 (3+4) Staged pT2c NO MX - Gland 50 cc
Seminal Vesicles and Lymph Nodes clear
Positive Margins Right Posterior Lobe
PSA 5 week Oct 2008 <.05
                   3 month Jan 2009 .06
                   6 month April 2009 .06

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