Having “the discussion” with my wife

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 990
   Posted 5/10/2009 9:55 PM (GMT -6)   
I suppose that I am a week or two late, but better late than never. We sat down Sunday morning after breakfast and I outlined what I had learned about ED. First: in the worst case, it might take one or two years or never to return to normal. Second, there were lots of things to try but most of them had a less than a fifty percent chance or working.

Then some general background: I am still leaking urine and any kind of “play” could increase that. (Her: we can put down lots of towels) With the prostate gone any of my organism will be dry or nearly so (Her: Does this mean we can’t have any more children? (hint: this is a joke – we are 66 and 58 and our youngest is 20.)) It may be possible for me to have an orgasm without an erection. (Her: Interest) The prostatectomy is likely to leave me between ½ and 1 inches shorter. (Her: Incredulity – can’t they glue something on? But then: That must be a very hard thing to tell me)

On to possible treatments. ED drugs – no problem. I explain that I am afraid that taking the pills might get our hopes up only to have nothing happen. (Her: we will still be in bed together.) A vacuum pump (Her: Amusement – like the clown who makes balloon animals? But also acceptance – could be fun) Injections (Her: Recoil. Would I have to do it? It freaks me out )(well me too right now.) Penile implant (Her: do we need it? Can’t we have fun without?)

Well, this is only the first step. But we are going into this together and that is the most important thing.
Age at diagnosis 67, PSA 5.5
Biopsy 12/08 12 cores, 8 positive
Gleason 3 + 4 = 7
CAT scan 1/09 negative, Bone scan 1/09 negative

Robotic surgery 03/03/09 Catheter Removed 03/08/09
Post surgical pathology report. Lymph nodes negative, Seminal vesicles negative
Surgical margins positive, Capsular penetration extensive Gleason 4 + 3 = 7

Ed C. (Old67)
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 2460
   Posted 5/10/2009 10:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm the same age as you are. both nerve bundles were removed so ED medication is useless for me. I tried the pump for 2 months but could never maintain the erection long enough for sex even with 2 rings. The pump does seem to improve the gird of your penis. Finally I broke down and got a prescription for Trimix and it worked the first night. The first dosage I used was very small (.1cc) that only gave me half an erection. I gave myself another one 20 minutes later and I had an erection that lasted 2 hours. My wife was making fun of me walking around in my shorts with a tent between my legs.
Age: 67
PSA 9/05 1.15; 8/06 1.45; 12/07 2.41; 8/08 3.9; 11/08 3.5 free PSA 11%
Dx 12/30/08
2 cores out of 12 were positive Gleason (4+4) and (4+5)
Negative CT scan and bone scan done on 1/16
Robotic surgery performed 2/9/09
Surgeon: Dr. Randy Fagin, Austin TX.
Pathology report:
Prostate weighed 57 grams size:5.2 x 5.0 x 4.9 cm
Bilateral 10-20% involved
Gleason 4+4
both nerve bundles removed,
pT3a Nx Mx
Negative margins
seminal vesicles clean
Lymph nodes: not dissected
1st PSA test 4/7/09 result <0.1

Elite Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25382
   Posted 5/11/2009 7:30 AM (GMT -6)   
that was an excellent story of the talk with your wife. this is something all men should do as soon as possible. a good open and honest line of comunications go a long way. sounds like your lovely wife has a good attitude to work with you on the ED, after all, she has a vested interest in a working solution.

David in SC
Age 56, 56 at DX, PSA 7/7 5.8, 7/8 12.3,9/8 14.5
3rd Biopsy Sept 08: Positive 7 of 7 cores, 40-90%, Gleason 7, 4+3
Open RP surgery 11/14/8, Right nerves spared, 4 days hospital, staples out 11/24/8, 5th cath out on 1/19/9
Post-surgery Pathlogy Report:Gleason 3+4=7, pT2c, 42 grm, tumor 20%, Contained in capsular, clear margins, clear lymph nodes 
First PSA Post Surgery   2/9 .05, 6 month on 5/9

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 598
   Posted 5/11/2009 8:44 AM (GMT -6)   
While it all seems unbelievably overwhelming right now, the vast majority of men return to a very fulfilling sex life - a bit different, but very fulfilling. You will mostly likely find an ED treatment which works quite well for you. It is good to look at all the possibilities and the worst case scenarios, but believe it or not, the odds are in your favor.

Your wife sounds like a great person, friend and lover. Mine is as well. Believe it or not, all this stuff matters much more to us than it does to them.

Sex may take more planning and a bit more prep time than before, but let's face it, most of us are past the time when we came through the door and yelled "honey I'm home" and did it on the kitchen floor. But I suppose you could still do even that if you take a pill (or shot, or suppository) on your way home. Meantime, buy some toys and have fun. There is still an awful lot of sex to have - even in the early days.
46 at Diagnosis.
Father died of Pca 4/07 at 86.
1/06 PSA 3.15
1/07 PSA 4.6 (Biopsy 3/07 just suspicious)
10/07 PSA 5.06 (Biopsy 11/07 1 of 12 with 8% involvment) (1mm)
Da Vinci surgery Jan 5, '08 at Mt. Sinai Hosp. NYC www.roboticoncology.com
Saved both nerve bundles.
Path Report: Stage T2cNxMx
-Gleason (3+3)6
-totally contained to prostate,
-10% involvement in L & R Mid lobes
PSA 0 at nine months.
Pad free on March 14 - (10 weeks.) Never a problem since.
ED - Took 100mg viagra every night. for several months
Totally usable erections at 10 weeks, which disappeared over the course of a month or two.
ED bounce is what they call it. Now, at one year, ED is fine with viagra.
One year PSA - undectable!

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 407
   Posted 5/13/2009 12:21 PM (GMT -6)   
You're at such an early stage of the post-operative period, maybe you or she is putting too much emphasis on having sex.  Most of the time, I think people are too caught-up with the "sex thing."  There are more important things in life -  such as still living.  Is this ED issue something you're bringing up and focusing on, or is she raising the questions?  Did you talk about the possibiliies of no sex ("normal" penetration) after the surgery - when you discussed the "what if's" the two of you had before you were operated on?  My Urologist puts virtually all of his da Vinci patients on ED meds once the catheter comes out, for at least a couple of reasons:  those meds are believed to stimulate blood flow and they may also help us achieve an erection.  The meds aren't solely for "give me an erection" purposes . . . though that's how we expect them to work.  Have you and the wife discussed the ED issues with your Urologist?  Knowledge is power, the more we know . . . or think we know . . . the better off we tend to be.  Congratulations on what appears to have been a successful procedure, and for a speedy full recovery!

Age:  59 (58 at diagnosis - June, 2008)

April '08 PSA 4.8 ("free PSA" 7.9), up from 3.5 year prior

June '08 had biopsy, 2 days later told results positive but in less than 1% of sample

Gleason's 3+3=6

Developed sepsis 2 days post-biopsy, seriously ill in hospital for 3 days

Dr. recommended robotic removal using da Vinci

Surgery 9/10/08

Northwestern Memorial Hospital, Chicago, IL

Dr. Robert Nadler, Urologist/Surgeon

Post-op Gleason's:  3+3, Tertiary 4

Margins:  Free

Bladder & Urethral:  Free

Seminal vesicles:  Not involved

Lymphatic/Vascular Invasion:  Not involved

Tumor:  T2c; Location:  Bilateral; Volume:  20%

Catheter:  Removed 12-days after surgery

Incontinent:  Yes (1/2 light pads per day)

Combination of Cialis and MUSE (alprostadil) three times weekly started 9-27-08

Returned to work 9-29-08 (18-19 days post-op)

PSA test result, post-op, 10/08: 0.0; 12/08: 0.0; 4/09: 0.0


Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 179
   Posted 5/13/2009 12:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like you have a very intelligent and caring wife. Here is to hoping that you both have a full and satisfying relationship.
Age 62, Sex Male
PSA - 3-20-08 2.7; 4-17-08 3.1; 9-18-08 3.6; 1-22-09 3.8
DRE negative
Ultrasound/biopsy 2-12-09, 50cc
4 of 12 samples positive 3+3=6, Right mid-medial <5%, Right mid-lateral 10-20%, Right base medial 10%, Right base lateral 10% adenocarcinoma

RRP completed 5-5-09
Post surgical pathology report:
Gleason 3+3=6
Lobes involved - left and right
Extraprostatic extension - none
Surgical margins - very small area of margin involvement in right lobe
Seminal vesicles - Free of neoplasm
Vascular/Lymphatic invasion - none
J-P drain and catheter removed on 5-13-09

Remember, don't let the bastages get you down !!!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 655
   Posted 5/13/2009 4:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Greetings, Geezer. Sounds like many of us on this board have something in common and that something is also something we should be very grateful for - and that is we have great wives who are very understanding, love us no matter what and are willing to do whatever they can to help us in our particular situation. A good sense of humor is also indicated in many. I know I'm very grateful for a great wife - I definitely married above myself. David
Age 55
Diagnosed Dec 2007 during annual routine physical
PSA doubled from previous year from 1.5 to 3.2
12 biopsies - 2 positive with 2 marginal
Gleason 3 + 3 = 6
RRP 4 Feb 08
Both nerves spared
Good pathology - no margins - all encapsulated - Gleason 4 + 3 = 7
Catheter out Feb 13 - wore pad for couple of days - pad free Feb 16
Great wife and family who take very good care of me

Elite Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25382
   Posted 5/13/2009 5:20 PM (GMT -6)   
CPA, cheers to that post, I couldn't ask for a better wife, even after 35 years, still my very best friend
Age 56, 56 at DX, PSA 7/7 5.8, 7/8 12.3,9/8 14.5
3rd Biopsy Sept 08: Positive 7 of 7 cores, 40-90%, Gleason 7, 4+3
Open RP surgery 11/14/8, Right nerves spared, 4 days hospital, staples out 11/24/8, 5th cath out on 1/19/9
Post-surgery Pathlogy Report:Gleason 3+4=7, pT2c, 42 grm, tumor 20%, Contained in capsular, clear margins, clear lymph nodes 
First PSA Post Surgery   2/9 .05, 5/9 .10 doubled in 3 months, new test in six weeks, then possibly off for salvage radiation

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Tuesday, August 21, 2018 3:05 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,995,036 posts in 328,206 threads.
View Active Threads

Who's Online
This forum has 161313 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, garyeeee.
199 Guest(s), 4 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Girlie, garyeeee, smosetcrgg, yigedashabi