This was a tough call for me to make, but I have decided to take a total break from HW for awhile. No, I am not mad or upset, nothing like that. Since I started dealing with the possibility of having PC back in 2007, to my dx. in 2008, the surgery, the complications, my recovery, etc, I feel totally overwhelmed on the subject.
I think my wife and a few close to me are right, you can know too much sometimes, and its counterproductive to your overall well being. Now with my latest setback, I feel like all I have been through has failed, and I am now starting at square one again, but perhaps in a worse position, because it appears the surgery failed to contain, as it was hoped, and as my pathology report claimed.
I have always enjoyed my time here, never thought I would be here so much, or to care so much for people I will probably never, ever meet in real life. But then I get really caught up, almost obsessed in my empathy and sympathy for others. I don't know if that is a blessing or a curse sometimes. I feel everyone's hurt around me, hyper sensitive to how they are feeling or might be feeling. I have often gone to bed at night burdened with the hurts and fears of those posting here, it's that real to me.
I know there are some here they will be tickled pink that I won't be around for awhile, well, then I am doing them a good service by not being here. To everyone else, I tried to help, I really do care, and we are a brotherhood dealing with a very unfair and brutal enemy, Prostate Cancer.
Right now, everytime I am here, it just keeps bringing my own situation to the front lines over and over again, I find myself hardly ever being able to have a break from the situation at hand. I don't want to be thinking about PC all the time, it's too hard, and it hurts too much sometimes. I want to think about living and enjoying whatever life there is left to enjoy. My short and recent vacation to Florida showed me something I had forgotten, there is a non-medical world out there, a place where people aren't thinking about cancer and dying and so forth, and it felt good for those 5 short days. Hope that doesn't come across as being selfish.
I will be back to report after 5 1/2 weeks or so, after they do this next crucial PSA test. If it as high or higher, I am certain I will be shuffled off to my former oncologist. I hope I am dead wrong, but I predict the next one will be between 1.3 and 1.6. If my post surgery PSA is really what it is in 6 months from surgery, then it would indicate a distant reaccurance, and I am no fool, I already know that radiation will just be an expensive and aggervating experience (for the 2nd time for me), and that it probably won't work. So what's the point?
I will be checking back today for any last messages, my e-mail is available if anyone really needs to get a hold of me, and then starting tommorow, I will vaporize for awhile, not even lurking, to give my mind and heart a break as I come to terms with what might be lying next for me in this unchosen path in life.
For any new friends that come along during that time, I know in advance that there are many decent men/women here that will welcome you, care for you, and advise you the best they can. That thought allows me to leave with a clear conscious.
I wish only the best for each and every person here. Often we agree, sometimes we have to agree to disagree, but we are all on one team, with one common purpose, to defeat the beast known as Prostate Cancer. May God bless you and keep you.
David in South Carolina