He is still in a form of shock, which occurs in any injury. Obviously, men aren't always hard, and since we were 1 or 2, we didn't wet our pants. But waking up with a tube where it aint supposed to be, holes in your belly with a drain in one of them, and the other effects of surgery, puts us in a state of shock.
Most usually it wears off fairly quickly, I would say 2 weeks or so. The second shock to his system is the lack of command that he was used to having, especially when a pretty woman is paying close attention to him.
For most men that I read on this forum, a lot of this identity crisis goes away when we figure out that we really aren't any different. Once we get the leaking stopped, and hopefully the ED subsides, things get back to normal.
I think the lack of sponteneity is a little disconcerting for men as well if the ED requires pills, pumps, pricks, etc. Most of us are used to being able to roll over and go.
Time is a big healer, a good partner, spouse, other is extremely important, and a man's survival instinct also kicks in. Most of us just say it is, what it is, I 'm glad to be alive, and deal with it. I am sure you have seen some recent posts of guys who haven't been able to do this. It eats them up. They become bitter and angry.
It sound to me like your husband has exactly what you go by, a soulmate. Without my soulmate, who reassures me daily that I am a man, sex is what we make it, and she is so glad to have me with her.
Sorry I rambled, but I too have had to go through some of these emotions as well.
Good luck on your journey !
Age 58, PSA 4.47 Biopsy - 2/12 cores , Gleason 4 + 5 = 9
Da Vinci, Cleveland Clinic 4/14/09 Nerves spared, but carved up a little.
0/23 lymph nodes involved pT3a NO MX
Catheter and 2 stints in ureters for 2 weeks .
Neg Margins, bladder neck negative
Living the Good Life, cancer free 6 week PSA <.03
3 month PSA <.01 (different lab)
5 month PSA <.03 (undetectable)
6 Month PSA <.01
1 pad a day, no progress on ED. Trimix injection
No pads, 1/1/10